We get it. It’s tempting to take your ex back. You’ve been stalking him, carefully assessing every move, even stalking his potential romantic interests- but be honest and tell me something- does any of that change what happened? Even after you’ve had time and space to grow apart (and hopefully, grow up too), does that mean you can effortlessly bump into each other and spin back into a chemistry that never quite ticked off? Does the comfort and familiarity of residual feelings warrant giving it another shot? Does the fading pain warrant the fresh wound from the heartbreak that is bound to happen if you take your ex back and allow history to repeat itself?
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I know what you are going to say- I am being negative. I get it. I understand. You are allowed to say that because you are too blinded by love to see much else. But I can see clearly and am allowed to show what I see to you, and other hearts like you. Take a minute. I am not all negative and am all for the sliver of hope where I can genuinely spot a possibility of things working out. But there is no one-size-fits-all rule with the question- ‘should you take your ex back?’
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Most cases that have a partner take an ex back is a gross error of judgment- for the relationship isn’t what they believe it was nor is it going to be. It wouldn’t have ended if it was all good and there is no reason to believe that it shall end any differently now. Coz end it will. The reason I say this is because you don’t walk toward a better, brighter future with hope in your heart by taking some steps backward into your past. The more people draw out their movement into the past, the longer it takes for them to snap out and reach a better future. In all likelihood, this future they want is not possible with an ex. Hence, you never take your ex back. At least not when…
…you are lonely
It is extremely easy to take your ex back when you feel lonely and isolated. You can look back to the past, the familiarity and comfort of togetherness and re-imagine magic even in places that sharply cut through your relationship. This is because the human mind tends to smooth out those memories that provide solace in distressing times. During a period of abject loneliness, you will find it easy to slip back into the comfort of an old routine, the embrace of an old lover and the attachment in an old love- because it takes away from your own misery.
…there is no respect
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Let’s get real honest here. Most people sell themselves short in this department because they feel the romantic relationship is worth it. But let’s admit it- nothing is worth handing out discounts on your self-worth for. If your partner shows blatant disrespect for you, then you are fortunate he’s an ex now. It is unlikely that their disdain and contempt has changed since and even if it has been toned down, it’d be hard to come back from or recover and go from there. There may be plenty of things that can be worked through but a lack of respect isn’t one of them.
…or compatibility
Very often, we rush into relationships deluding ourselves into believing we can iron out our differences or that conflicting personalities can make for an exciting combination. However, it takes time to realize that partners need to complement each other and if you are falling short on the compatibility test, maybe you should heed the reading the meter shows and go your separate ways.
…you can’t move past the past
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If you cannot let go of the reasons that drove you apart, you may simply be hanging in for closure or to defer accepting the reason that killed your relationship in the first place. Remember that this process is an internal one and your ex cannot help you with it. Taking your ex back shall only compound your unstable emotions and make them volatile.
… the reason for your fallout still remains
If you parted ways owing to family reasons, differences in dreams or another incompatibility that still needs to be ironed out, you may want to reconsider your impulse to jump back in. If you dealt with infidelity or betrayal of any kind, you may have to evaluate if you are well past the sting. If you haven’t ironed out your differences or moved beyond the issues that drove a wedge between you, building a bridge is only going to magnify the gap and allow it to emerge in sight again.
…you aren’t really in love
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Many a times our impulse to get back with an ex is only because we don’t wish to accept that we got it all wrong. It is hard to accept that it’s over and when faced with a possibility to rekindle things, we hold onto the hope that things can be better this time. This isn’t because we are really in love but because we are attached to the idea of being in love with someone we built a whole world around. That idea reels us back in and it is easier to use the feelings as a validation for our desire to confirm we couldn’t have done love all wrong. Don’t set yourself up for failure once again. Remember how hard it was to chew on the first time.
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Remember, the desire to think about taking your ex back is reasonable. But it may not always be realistic. If you haven’t pushed past the issues that caused your breakup and aren’t willing to put in the necessary work to make it click, you aren’t ready to get back together. A relationship doesn’t make you happy- you do. When you do the work for yourself and project it outward, you can see the difference. But it takes two to tango. Do not romantically re-engage if you are fooling yourself about where both of you are at.
Your ex is an ex for a reason. Let him stay where he left you or where you left him. You can continue to have *some* emotions for him/her- unsettling, confusing, even tempting- but you cannot reverse how those emotions wrecked you and the relationship you built. What you’ve lived through shall always remain, entrenched in memory and it is next to impossible to escape its grip. So, do not stir them. You shall only invite a storm.
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