“But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us.” – Paulo Coelho
Last night you asked me if I trusted you. I chose to hide inside your embrace because the answer scared me.
Last night you asked me if I dreamt of us, together. I chose to close my eyes lest you see the picture afloat in my eyes.
Last night you asked me if you made me happy. I chose not to allow my heartbeat betray its happy secret, terrified of just how happy you made me.
Last night you asked me if I felt safe with you. I chose only to sink deeper into your chest, so you’d know.
Last night you asked me if I’d give away my heart another time. I chose not to tell you that I’d, if you asked.
Last night you asked me if I’d ever love again, and I was scared to let you know I already was.
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It was a long time ago when I believed in something- this something called love- and it broke my heart.
And I am scared.
Scared to trust again.
Sacred of dreaming again.
Scared of being happy.
Scared of feeling safe.
Scared of giving away my heart.
Scared of love.
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I am scared my trust would meet the same end it always does. I am scared my dreams shall come crumbling down in pieces as I watch. I am scared of being so happy that the thought of losing it is terriying. I am scared of feeling so safe it can turn dangerous. I am scared of giving away my heart so it can be returned broken.
I am scared of loving again. Because I always have to stop.
And I can’t.
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So, even as you come in here, slipping your fingers through my hands, I am scared of taking your hand forever.
What if you do not stay, like all the ones before you?
What if I am left clutching at nothing, as your fingers slip away once again, leaving mine with gaps I can’t fill?
What if I am left alone again to learn not to love this much?
Because I love you.
I really do.
I love you so much it scares me.
I love you so much it makes me want to run away from the intensity of my own feelings.
I know you do not know.
I am scared of letting you know.
I am scared saying it would make it even more real.
Even more real than it is now.
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Saying it would make it real to you- and I would no longer be the only one to know how my heartbeats race when you are around.
I would no longer be the only one to know how you are putting me back together, even as pieces of me are falling apart.
I would no longer be the only one to know how scaringly easy it is becoming to fall into you, when you ask if I can fall in love.
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I would no longer be the only one to know how good it feels to simply make a home in someone and feel the world fit in there.
I would no longer be the only one to know that forever isn’t a measure of time- but a person, in every moment my heart beats.
And that would be real.
Scary real.
But I can’t help wonder if it wouldn’t be terrifyingly beautiful…
…when I choose to love you like I may not get to in the next moment, when I choose to live every moment with you like I may not know when and if we’d be together next, when I choose to be with you regardless of my fears and doubts because I do wish to know what’d happen after ‘we’ll never know…’
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Because in this moment, with you, I am…
I AM….
I am happy…
…and blessed…
…and lucky…
…and loved…
…and safe…
…and I want to trust…
…and dream…
…and be safe…
…and happy…
…and give you my heart, for I am in love.
I love you.
I love you…so much it hurts. It hurts to know it may not be this way someday. That all of this may change, fade or worse, die. That you may no longer need me or want me or choose me. That there are no guarantees. That I am promised nothing- and even if I were, there is no reason they’d be kept.
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Yet no longer can I deny myself the need to say what I feel.
Because it’s the only truth I know. I love you.
And I promise now- because I have stopped counting on forevers.
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Would you slip your fingers through mine and take my hand, as we walk along the road each moment until time turns into forever?
Because you may have had a lot of questions I never answered- a lot more than lot, because with you, the questions never seem to end.
But know this my love, with you, my answer is always YES!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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