Life is hard, we all know it. It’s great, but being human means that you have to deal with your share of stress, unhappiness, and problems. You wish you had a quick fix, or rather, a quick fixer – someone who just walks into your life, and wipes away all the stress, making all your dreams come true. In short, you wish for the perfect partner. However, another fact of life is that nothing is perfect and waiting for that perfect partner to come along is an exercise in futility!
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But it’s not just you!! So many people are still waiting for their perfect someones, overlooking many good potential partners in the process. And Hollywood movies and TV shows don’t help either. We’ve all seen numerous movies that propagate the idea of a perfect ‘one,’ soul mates, Mr. Right, Prince Charming, and so on. Well, you don’t need me to tell you that reel life rarely reflects real life and needs to be taken for what it is – a fantasy.
Suggested read: Why you should stop looking for ‘The One’
Why is everyone waiting for ‘the one’?
One of the biggest reasons behind looking for ‘the one’ is escape – from taking responsibility, from action, and from taking risks. When you want someone else to come and make your life perfect, you’re inwardly accepting that your life is wanting in many aspects, and you are not willing to make that change yourself.
The prospect of finding true love or your soul mate is based on the idea that you’ll find someone who is tailor-made for you and your specific personality strengths and weaknesses. This concept caters to a kind of mentality that encourages putting the blame on others and refusing to take responsibility for one’s own actions. This is also a kind of laziness, where you expect your fixes to be done for you by a person who magically appears in your life, without having to make any actual effort.
Being alone is a scary prospect for most people, and no one wants to stay that way for long. But seeking perfection in a life partner can lead to trouble, as the person keeps waiting for someone to do all the hand-holding in an idealized relationship with an idealized Mr. Right.
Why waiting for ‘the one’ doesn’t make any sense
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There are more than 7 billion people on this planet and each one of these people have different personalities, likes and dislikes. Everyone grows up with their own set of belief systems and core values, and everyone’s unique life experiences and circumstances shape their world views. Even twins, who share their DNA have different dreams and aspirations. In such a scenario, it is obvious that it’s impossible to find someone that complements you completely; even the thought of it is ludicrous!
Then there’s the question of love at first sight, which many people believe to be an actual thing. The sudden locking of eyes, the violins playing in the background, and the feeling that the world has come to a stand still – trust Hollywood to romanticize the play of hormones!! Yes, that’s what it really is, and not your souls speaking to each other!! The feeling of falling head over heels over someone you just met is a leftover from our animal mating days and is triggered by twelve areas of your brain working simultaneously to release all kinds of hormones and chemicals that make you act in a temporarily irrational manner. Please observe that the keyword here is ‘temporary.’ A passionate, sudden attraction is not going to last as long as the moon and stars, but will soon die down once those chemicals lose their effect on you.
Here’s more proof that waiting for the perfect partner is a bad idea. A team at the Michigan State University studied the behavior of early humans and found that they were more focused on progeny as the purpose of mating, and they were more selective about choosing their mates in an attempt to avoid inferior offspring. However, humans have evolved a long way now (at least most of us have!), and nowadays, the wait for ‘the one’ is nothing but a waste of time; time that you could spend being happy and having a great time with a lovely person.
Suggested read: How to make your fantasy of a soul mate into reality
The biggest problems with waiting for ‘the one’
1. You miss out on good people
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When you’re waiting and waiting, with your eyes far out on the horizon watching out for that knight on the white horse, you risk not seeing what’s right in front of you. You meet many different people every day, and there are some really great men and women among them. But while you wait for the ‘soul mate’ bell to ring, you’re most likely missing out on the chance that you could build a happy life with one of them.
2. You end up with frequent heartbreaks
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Waiting for the perfect partner can either leave you not having any relationship at all or it may have you falling for the wrong people repeatedly. When your criteria for choosing a potential partner is based on instant attraction and violins playing in the background, you end up having fiery, passionate but really short term relationships with people who are barely compatible with you. A series of such relationships can leave you feeling defeated and unhappier than ever.
3. You expect too much
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As mentioned earlier, we live in the real world, not a Hollywood movie! Although having a life like a chick flick would be awesome, it’s unlikely that one fine day, a young, intelligent, good looking, rich man (a la Christian Grey) will walk into your life and be madly in love with you from Day 1. No one’s perfect, including you, and having expectations of this kind is a surefire way to ruin any relationship – even with the most perfect person you can find!
4. You never realize your true worth
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When you constantly expect someone to come and just ‘heal’ your life with love, you are accepting that you don’t consider yourself fit to do it. As a result, you never realize your true strengths and how amazing you really are. On the other hand, when you take responsibility for whatever is happening in your life and take action to do something about it, you’ll feel a sense of exhilaration that even a thousand Mr. Rights can’t match!
5. Other aspects of your life suffer
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When you’re constantly on the lookout for Prince Charming, your psyche becomes obsessed with this thought; after all, you don’t want to miss him when he does come along! This can distract you from other aspects of your life that could really use your attention. A sole focus on finding romantic love belittles your other achievements and talents and you may miss out on many wonderful opportunities.
6. You’re never truly happy
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If you think you’re happy, you are. If you don’t, you aren’t. It’s as simple as that. When you always think of your life in terms of lacking something that only someone else can provide, you’ll never enjoy true contentment. Accepting things as they are and expressing gratitude for what you have are among the most common traits of happy people, and lying desolately in wait for your Prince Charming can only lead to unhappiness in the long term.
Suggested read: 7 powerful reasons why looking for your soul mate might leave you unhappy
Why it’s important to focus on yourself and not ‘the one’
Humans aren’t like jigsaw puzzle pieces that fit perfectly into each other’s grooves. Everyone has rough edges and smooth surfaces, and you work together to even it out over the course of time. If you find yourself constantly worrying if you’ll ever meet your soul mate, then it’s time to take a step back and take an objective look at your life. What exactly do you want to fix in your life? What value do you expect your soul mate to bring to your life? Why isn’t this happiness already there? Are you sabotaging your own happiness in some way?
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When you ask yourself these questions, the answers will be very revealing and even surprising. Any kind of improvement in your life requires action from your side, and when you finally accept this fact, you’ll see that you suddenly feel liberated. Your life is in your hands; how wonderful is that? Oh, the possibilities!! Yes, the excitement can barely keep you down as you realize that you had it in you all along.
Life is short, and you don’t want to spend it waiting for someone to come and make it worthwhile for you. As the Dalai Lama says, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” By letting go of the fantasy of the perfect partner, you’ll be more aware of all the beauty around you. And when you do find that special someone who cares about you and whom you care about as well, you’ll realize that despite all their imperfections, life couldn’t be any better or happier.
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