You say you still want to be friends.
FRIENDS, huh?
When you say ‘friends,’ do you mean like friends who learnt about what they were up to on Facebook and returned an approving nod with a ‘like?’ Or like friends who have to look for the real meaning of the scant words in an emoticonned-out whatsapp chat? Or do you want to be like the friends you see once in a blue moon or like the ones you’d still hang out every weekend with, except that you’d now ensure that you steer clear of the after gin-and-tonic conversations we used to have?
FRIENDS, you say, with such confidence! Like the last few years meant nothing.
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Is it that easy? And if it is, then, pray tell me how!
How can I be just friends with you- having known you as I have- naked- and vulnerable- on those lonely nights when philosophy meant more than ‘picture quotes’ you tagged me on?
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How can I be just friends with you when I haven’t just seen and tasted your naked body- but sipped from your frustration over the dead-end job you are at and learnt of things you truly cared about?
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How can I be just friends with you when I know, more than anyone else on Earth, about the dreams you carry locked in your heart?
How can I be just friends with you when I have, in tracing the contours of your body with my fingers, read all the stories breathing on your skin — the syllables that re-arrange to form poetry at the turn of your shoulder, a childhood story playing around the corner of your dimple and the sparkle of a passion you feel so strongly it burns in your eyes?
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How can I be just friends with you when I have stood like a rock with you when you wanted to go back to school to get that degree in what you love by chucking the one that you had because your dad loved it..how can I be just friends with you when I have held you through inconsolable rounds of crying your heart out coz the job you had tore inside you and you simply wished to get on a plane and leave everything behind…how can I be just friends with you when you’d made me a part of your ‘big future picture’ complete with the strollers we shall push our babies in – yeah, we shall have four, you’d said!
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How can I be just friends with you when I’ve known the quick-fix microwave popcorn and the ohh-so-yum omelet you’d whip for me when I’m too darned tired to get up or simply feel lazy…how can I be just friends with you when you know how much I like to have the remote control even if we are watching that lame action flick you love to bits…how can I be just friends with you when you clobber me with kisses even as I kick that big, slobbering, rambunctious dog of yours’ out of bed- which, then, makes me toss his tennis ball and fill his food bowl (yeah, I love you..)..how can I be just friends with you when I’ve known the YOU who’d do anything for me- coz I know I’d do absolutely anything for you!
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How can I be just friends with you, hon, when I have been a lover to you- donning the cloaks of a best friend, a confidante, a companion, a guide, an ally, a teacher, a guide, a teammate, a partner- as and when you needed’em!
I can’t. I just can’t.
While you may think it’d be okay to meet friends over lunch when each of them have lingering questions about our histories floating in their eyes or play video games with each other whilst feeling our hands accidentally bumping into each other in the snack bowl- I don’t think it will be okay. Not with me.
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Because this ‘new friends’ business will always be the reminder of a relationship where you had tasted me in the mornings, known which positions I loved and which didn’t quite do it for me, a reminder of just how well you know what happens after I down seven shots and how I hate to cook or do laundry, a reminder of what kind of goofy grin I bear when I see my favorite pasta and simply, how much I love Ryan Gosling- even if you got jealous!
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You think you’d be okay with not getting that first morning call from me, not having me around to share all the big news, not holding me in your arms every night and not kissing me goodnight- you think you’d be okay with not loving me- and being ‘just friends.’
But I won’t be.
I have been thinking of life and what it’d be like with YOU- all this while! And now that I am supposed to build a whole new picture of the future without you, it seems unlikely it can happen with you around!
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So, I am not going to be friends with you- coz to be honest, I can never pretend that what once was wasn’t there at all- nor act ‘okay’ with the idea of you being with someone else!
I do wish you all the luck and happiness, though!
Love,
Your ex
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