“People confuse ego, lust, insecurity with true love.” – Simon Cowell
Boy turns around and suddenly locks eyes with strange girl. Girl stops everything she’s doing to look at boy. Boy and girl stare into each other’s eyes, as their combined heart rate increases and rationality leaves the scene. Now that’s how you describe love at first sight! Or rather, lust at first sight, because let’s face it; how do you tell the difference between love and lust?
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Oh dear, does that mean that all the chick flicks we’ve seen so far have been lying through their teeth? Well, we hate to break your bubble, but it’s true! The concept of love at first sight is a highly romanticised version of what is, in essence, a dance of chemicals in our brains. That’s not to say that a relationship that begins with lust cannot go on to become a strong, lifelong bond, but it is still one that began with lust, and not love.
Confused? Don’t worry; we were too, at first!! And it isn’t just starry-eyed, hormonal teenagers who get drawn into the confusion; well adjusted and mature grownups also tend to make the same mistake of confusing lust with love. Today, we are making a genuine attempt to decipher the difference between love and lust, once and for all.
What is lust?
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Lust is that heady, intense mix of emotions that strikes like a flash of lightning, temporarily paralyzing most of your faculties. It is something that has its share of negative connotations with religious scriptures warning mankind against it. And with good reason too, since lust can be dangerous, in more ways than one.
But despite being classified among the sins, lust is actually an evolutionary tool for a person to mate with another and hence continue the human race. Of course, we’ve evolved a long way beyond that, but lust is nothing but pure, sexual attraction. There is nothing remotely connected to warmth, companionship or familial bonding with lust. Psychology says that a person is most likely to feel lustful to someone least like him or her, since any similarities evoke familial feelings which reduce sexual attraction. Now you know why good girls go for bad boys!
Suggested read: 11 sure-shot tips of seduction from wild animals
If you look at the definition of lust above, you’ll find the word, ‘temporary,’ which is key. And that is the biggest problem with lust. Sexual attraction is fleeting, and generally dies down either on fulfilling it with the ‘lustee’ or when the person’s lusting shifts to another person. As mentioned above, there are hardly any surface level similarities between the ‘luster’ and the ‘lustee,’ which usually significantly reduces the chances of a long-lasting successful relationship.
What is love?
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Love is a feeling that is just as intense as lust, but in a mellower way. It’s not like fireworks in the sky which disappear within seconds; it’s like the iceberg which appears tiny above the water, but is huge and rock solid beneath the surface. Poems and ballads have been written about love, most of it stressing on its undying and immortal nature.
Despite what all those movies say about falling in love at first sight, it is actually impossible. Love towards a person is generally based on the other person’s personality traits, character, and a sense of companionship that comes from long term bonding. Love can exist in the absence of sexual attraction and a great many love stories begin with common interests between the people involved, rather than an instant overflow of brain chemicals.
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Love, however, is much more difficult to actually define and identify, compared to lust, since more than the genitals are involved here. Love is indeed long-lasting and more worth your while, but it can be harder to find, especially when one’s mind is clouded by lust or the other person has hidden aspects of his personality that end up as deal breakers in the relationship. Without knowing the difference between love and lust, many individuals get trapped in pseudo-relationships that don’t end well.
10 surprising ways love is different from lust
Even though love and lust get mixed up for many people, there are some tell tale signs that can help you clearly identify which one is your current state. Here are 10 ways there is a difference between love and lust.
1. Frequent fireworks
There’s a reason we keep talking about lust like fireworks; they’re so similar! A relationship based on lust is seldom stable, and there is usually a lot of drama and intense scenes involved; most of which end in… intercourse. Love, on the other hand, is quieter, and both parties go to great lengths to minimize drama.
2. Fascination with the external
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When lusting after someone, you’re very focused on what he or she’s wearing, how good that color is on her and so on. The obsession with physical beauty is very high, in contrast to love, where partners have a deeper view into who the person really is, and not just on the outside.
3. Fantasy land
Lustful relationships look like they live in an idealistic, fantasy land. You only need to look at the places they live in to understand the difference between a couple in love and in lust. The lust couple will have a messier home, with clothes strewn everywhere. A couple in love is more likely to work together to keep a cleaner home that radiates warmth.
4. Lack of trust
The temporary nature of a lustful relationship negates the value of trust in it. A person in lust with someone is highly likely to shift his lustful attentions to another object/person, probably someone with better physicality. True lovers value commitment above all else, and can’t imagine hurting the other person by betraying him or her in such a manner.
Suggested read: 12 men reveal their thoughts on being in a monogamous relationship for life
5. Bored without sex
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When you’re lusting after someone, sex is the highest priority, and without it, the relationship seems empty. There is nothing to talk about, and every attempt at a normal conversation takes significant effort. People in love, on the other hand, can talk for hours without realizing how late it is.
6. Possessiveness
There’s a difference between possessiveness and protectiveness. Being possessive is symbolic of lust, with one person treating the other like his or her property, much like animals in heat. But protectiveness stems from a genuine concern for the other person’s wellbeing, as seen in couples in love.
7. No friendship
When lusting after someone, the sex may be good and you may be lovers, but friendship is out of the picture. There are hardly any common interests (beyond sex). When in love, couples share a sense of companionship, which have many threads that bind them together, physical intimacy being just one of them.
8. Irrational deeds
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You’ve seen people in the first heady state of a relationship going bananas over their new found ‘love.’ This can make them do all kinds of things which would horrify a saner person. Couples in love are, however, completely in their senses and are more mindful of the things they do, which means that they don’t have regrets later, only memories.
9. No future plans
A couple in lust will usually think and act on a very short term basis. This is because deep down in their gut, they know that this is not for the long haul. So they avoid making plans that are too far off in the future, unlike couples in love who can’t stop planning a beautiful future together.
10. Blinders on
When in lust, a person will usually act like he has blinders on, with eyes for no one but his partner. They are not at all receptive to advice from friends or family and ignore everyone for their supposed ‘love.’ A couple in love, although trust each other, don’t ignore any telltale signs of trouble and try their best to pick up on them and work them out.
The journey from lust to love
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Now, despite all the bad rap lust is getting, it might not be all bad. Rather than choosing love or lust, you can think about whether a current lustful attraction has the potential to turn into a loving relationship. Many successful relationships have traveled this journey, and they usually follow a set pattern.
1. Stage I – Pure lust
Yes, this is the unadulterated lust part, where all you can think about is how muscular his arms are or how perky her behind is. You have… ahem… more interesting things on your mind than talking about your feelings and don’t really care much about their interests.
2. Stage II – Attraction
By this stage, you’ve moved beyond lust and now know more about their likes and dislikes – and you love everything about them. They are foremost in your thoughts at all times, and all their personality quirks appear cute and adorable. You feel like they’re the most perfect people on earth, and that they can do no wrong.
3. Stage III – True love
By now, the curtains have lifted, the rose-tinted glasses have come off and you get to see the real, raw deal. You have now come to care for the other person, and want them to achieve their dreams, with you supporting them. You accept that there are things about them that annoy you no end, but you learn to live with it. At the end of the day, you’d rather come home to them than anyone else.
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Obviously, not all relationships go as smoothly through these phases; some break off midway, while others may yo-yo a little between I and II before settling into III. Knowing the difference early on can save many broken hearts and failed marriages. By properly analyzing your current situation, you’ll have understood the true difference between love and lust and realized that you’d rather have the lasting warmth of love than the instant fire of lust.
“Lust is temporary, romance can be nice, but love is the most important thing of all. Because without love, lust and romance will always be short lived.” – Danielle Steel
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