Your partner is kind, supportive, loving, and everything else you could ever wish for. But a chance meeting with an old friend brings back some excitement in your life. The novelty of newness suddenly grips you and you find yourself exchanging flirty texts, commenting on his status updates, and following his social media accounts religiously. What’s got you acting so unlike you when you are in love with your partner?
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The new infidelity doing the rounds. It happens when you form deep, passionate connections before realizing you have crossed the line from platonic friendship to romantic love. The only thing that possibly stops you from defecting to the other side is the thought of your partner who you love too! How is that possible, you ask? Well, getting attracted to someone other than your partner is natural. It happens all the time. It is when you take off the ring, cross your fingers and plan to move ahead that it goes terribly amiss.
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Don’t get us wrong- an emotional involvement is just as bad. Only that when you do find temptation, you need to ensure that you keep your attraction in check before straying too far and beyond the ambit of forgiveness. If you, too, are victim to this new infidelity where you have a special confidant, receptive to feelings you won’t discuss with your partner, someone you tell your stories to, someone you cannot keep yourself from talking with, laughing with and feeling an undeniable chemistry with- STOP and think of your existing relationship. The one you said ‘I do’ to, the one you’ve built on a foundation far stronger than a few flimsy moments of fun and flirtation- and say ‘hello’ to your relationship protector- guilt!
Yes, guilt can keep you from indulging this new infidelity and ambling far beyond. Here’s all you need to know to keep yourself from veering into dangerous territory and defecting to the other side when you are in love already:
Switch back focus
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If you find yourself reaching out for the phone constantly just so you can stay in touch with the new man in your life, then it’s time you put some emergency measures in place. For starters, put some distance between you- both physically and emotionally. Stop calling him and channel all your urges for communication toward your partner instead. With a fair degree of willpower, you shall be able to conquer the force of attraction and move forward with your primary relationship. But if you find yourself habitually drawn to other people, you might consider speaking to a counselor or therapist about a compulsive disorder and get help.
Kill your inner flirt
While most people think some light-hearted flirting never did nobody any harm and would even go as far as to aver that it is healthy, you must know that what you view as white might be pitch black to your partner. Even greys are unforgivable. So, think of the unpredictability of emotions, how fragile and delicate they are and how risky it can be to play around with them. When whole areas of growth, intimacy and soulful explorations come to be located outside the locus of your primary relationship, there’s no saying if the wound can fester and become a lethal one. Do not kill your relationship for the illusion or potential of one.
Think about the reality
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The attraction you feel are so far removed from the ground reality that they are as unreal as it gets. It’s almost like the affair exists in a bubble distant from kids, unpaid bills, work issues or marital tensions. But like bubbles, these disintegrate at the threat of slightest pressure. These attractions are fleeting and cannot withstand the pressure of the truths of everyday life. Also, men are typically less emotionally invested in such affairs, so while you may be dreaming of a future with him, he might just be unwrapping the present in the present and unwilling to take things any further than that.
What one needs to understand about this new infidelity is that the greatest damage in this vicious cycle comes from nullifying a partner’s feelings of immense hurt by justifying the relationship as ‘harmless.’ Whose reality gets respected in a cycle that is nourishing a nascent bond but corroding one that has already braved the vagaries of time?
Of course, self examination on either end can reveal a variety of things- the hurt partner will feel compelled to suffer in silence until his saturation point is crossed while the partner who is transgressing will feel the powerful allure of a deep understanding, the novelty of a fresh romance, the filling up of a void during a time of transition. But here’s the sad part of it all- this uncanny self-delusion will not be countered until you overwhelm the relentless pursuit of ‘an alive and kicking romance’ with the strong and consistent push of a real relationship. Your guilt can help you channel your feelings toward your partner and snap out of the negative cycle of ‘attachment’ with someone else.
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Decide whether you value your existing relationship above all else. If so, stop invalidating your partner’s hurt by calling this friendship harmless. Acknowledge your partner’s hurt and tell them you understand that it is natural for them to feel threatened in the face of a relationship of yours that they feel shut out from. Acknowledge that an emotional betrayal stings just as much as a sexual one because the barriers are the same ones that reinforce secrecy and loss of intimacy. Use the new-found knowledge of what you found with this ‘friend’ to fill in the missing pieces in your relationship. Discuss with your partner, work on the lacks and move into a phase of respectful growth. Move out of the ‘friendship’ by asserting politely, yet firmly that such compelling closeness is not acceptable when it endangers an existing commitment.
Always remember, affairs have a nasty way of sneaking up on you through the ‘friendship’ route. Stop and retreat before ‘one thing leads to another.’
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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