Ask any couple in a long-term relationship about the history of their sex life, and they will likely tell you they started out like bunnies, having sex all the time. As they settled in and built a life together, their sex life has likely simmered down and now they have sex once every few weeks. Sure, it would be great to be able to maintain a frisky sex life, but as couples become more comfortable with each other and established in life, day-to-day living, working, and paying the bills require attention. Their sex life takes a temporary back seat to higher priority tasks and acute issues. It is completely normal for a couple’s sex life to taper off over time. But what happens when a couple’s sex life really slows down to a twice a year occurrence, or even to a complete stop? Is this normal, and what does this sexual dry spell say about the relationship?
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Couples do go through prolonged periods of time without sex, and to some degree, this is normal. Most couples are able to address the core problem and get back on the regular sex bandwagon. In other cases however, couples are not able or willing to get to the heart of the problem causing this sexual dry spell. Then things drag on and turn into a drought. This is clearly an indication that there is a more pressing issue, and it’s more significant than the temporary slow downs and dry spells couples have.
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I cite two different types of factors that can put a damper on your sex life and lead to a dry spell in the bedroom. The first type is an external factor, or things happening outside of your relationship that still affect you as a couple. The second type is an internal factor, or conflicts and issues that exist within your relationship which affects the way you feel towards and/or interact with each other.
Below are the most common external and internal factors that contribute to a dry spell in the bedroom.
I. External factors
1. Stress
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Any amount of stress can have a major impact on an individual and their relationship. Work, family, and money are the most common causes of external stress. Also, major life events or changes such as a move, job change or job loss, wedding, or a new baby can be additional causes of stress. If one or both of you are constantly stressed out, worried or preoccupied, this can translate to a sexual dry spell.
2. Timing
Couples that work opposing hours may find it difficult to maintain a normal sex life simply because their bodies are on different schedules and sleep patterns, and thus out of synch with one another. When they do have a chance to have sex, one partner may be too tired or not in the mood for sex while the other partner is.
3. Medications
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Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications may cause a reduction in a person’s sex drive and libido. Men taking these medications face additional challenges, as often they can’t get or maintain an erection.
Certain types of birth control pills also reduce a woman’s sex drive and desire for sex. In these instances, trying to have sex may become frustrating or embarrassing, which may cause both people in the relationship to stop asking or initiating sex.
II. Internal factors
1. Conflict with your partner
Imagine having sex with someone that you are angry at, resentful or distrustful of. Most would rather not, and who could blame them? Why would anyone want to be intimate with a person that they have a conflict with? Nothing will put a damper on your sex life faster than anger or hurt feelings as a result of an unresolved argument with your partner.
2. Growing apart
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We all change. This is completely normal and a healthy part of the learning, growing, and living process. Unfortunately, we may grow and change at a faster rate than our partner. Many couples are able to change, grow together, and become closer over time, while other couples may grow apart, and with time they become strangers or roommates at best. When you have grown apart to the point that you have no common interests or things to talk about, chances are you will also have little desire to have sex.
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3. Incompatible in the bedroom
Couples that connect emotionally as well as sexually have a better chance of staying together in the long term. After all, a healthy sex life is essential to a fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, not every couple connects in the bedroom and this can contribute to a dry spell. When one person is more sexually experienced and adventurous than their partner, a problem often occurs if the other person is not open to trying new sexual experiences. This incompatibility makes for a boring and mundane sex life, and will cause the more experienced person to lose interest and stop initiating sexual activity.
A sexual dry spell regardless of the root cause could mean that you are not giving your relationship the attention it deserves. Maintaining a healthy relationship is a full-time job that requires both people to actively participate and communicate. If you are not having sex and connecting in the bedroom, this is a telltale sign that you are failing to connect, communicate, and make an effort to spend time together outside the bedroom. As I tell my clients, the easiest way to maintain a great sex life is to make love all day by building intimacy, trust, and communication.
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