Trust in arranged marriages of yore
In the generation of our parents and probably our elder cousins as well, most marriages were arranged by elders. The couple rarely had occasion to meet each other in private before marriage; today, in some cases, even if we spend hours and days and months together, we don’t seem to build this elusive element called trust. So, how did our parents build trust in each other and managed to maintain it? How can we do it if we get into an arranged marriage today?
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An arranged marriage is, in most cases, marked by the absence of a burst of passion. In such a scenario, how do two strangers craft a future together? Imagine a relationship between two colleagues brought together at the workplace. They have a common goal and they should work with each other, understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses to achieve that goal. While an exact comparison may not be in order, there are elements that are in common with an arranged marriage.
There is an axiom I strongly believe in – one can never completely know another person. There will always be some facets that cannot be known about a person. And, knowing takes time. Since courtship follows contractual union in an arranged marriage, this period of knowing is something to be enjoyed.
Building trust requires patience
Caring and an intent to understand, which are the foundations of a loving relationship, help. Love manifests itself best in small acts of caring. It may be calling up your spouse’s parents regularly, visiting them and respecting them as your own parents, taking a day off from work when your spouse is feeling under the weather, sharing the household chores, going out for dinner to places your partner likes, listening to them when they talk about their work and colleagues, making an effort to know their friends, et al. Over a period of time, these little acts serve to build a strong companionship that can weather the see-saw nature and the vagaries of a typical relationship.
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Role of respective families in maintaining trust
One of my friends told me that he dated a girl who wanted his parents to live with them if they get married. Coming in this age, this was certainly a strange expectation. Probing her, he understood that she had stayed with her parents all through her life and would miss the presence of elderly people around her, should they, as a couple chose to stay alone. That got me thinking. Bringing together parents and close relatives of the couple as often as possible in the earlier stages of an arranged marriage can help in building a sense of bonhomie between the two families. This can in turn translate into trust in the relationship. Another friend of mine went for a holiday to Kashmir three months after he got married. He went with his wife, her brother and her parents. He was aware that, probably not many people did that, but his wife felt very happy. After all, isn’t that what matters most?
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If the boy’s or the girl’s parents are living with the couple, in a sense, the acclimatisation to each other’s families becomes easier and quicker. In our society, more often than not, a couple’s parents play the role of caretakers for children, especially in cases where girls continue to work after marriage. This phase also helps build a stronger relationship by bringing the families together. In summary, building trust in a relationship is a continuous process and it entails conscious effort, a little more so in an arranged marriage.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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