“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war,” said Gilbert K. Chesterton. Yes, couples fight. That is a fact as true as the sun rising in the east. Husbands and wives fight for all kinds of reasons, but some are more common than others. We’ve compiled them into this list of top 10 reasons why married couples fight. Read on and see if you and your spouse have ever fought over any of them!
1. Money
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‘Money makes the world go round’, and it sure goes a long way in increasing marital conflict! This is ideally one of those things that need to be discussed before marriage, and the lack of a clear understanding in the beginning can lead to lots of trouble later. Money arguments are usually regarding spending habits, how much to save, where to invest, and so on. If only one spouse is earning, the other might feel humiliated at having to ask for money, leading to more fights. But it might be avoided if the earning partner treats the other as their equal, and doesn’t make them feel inferior just because they don’t work a 9 – 5 job.
2. In-laws
While in-laws are a common cause of dispute around the world, it only gets worse in India! Indian parents’ generic inability to stay out of their adult children’s lives can cause a lot of conflict within the marriage, with either spouse ending up taking sides with the family they were born into. This makes the other spouse feel hurt and rejected. Things get worse for women living in a joint family with her in-laws, as she ends up feeling isolated while her husband gangs up on her with his parents and siblings.
3. Family decisions
Once married, every decision you make regarding your job, career, home, or kids, directly affects your spouse. So it is only fair that he or she gets a say in it. But when decisions like relocating to a new place or selling property are made exclusively by one spouse, their partner is caught off guard, having to deal with a big change that has been thrust upon them.
4. Physical intimacy
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Sex is a topic that even married couples refuse to talk about, even in this day and age! Needless to say, dissatisfaction never gets voiced and a mismatch in sexual drive can easily be misconstrued as disinterest or rejection. All this unsaid resentment festers inside and then manifests itself in other ways.
5. Kids
Kids are supposed to bring a couple together, but unfortunately a difference in parenting styles become a hot topic for said couple to fight about! Both spouses are individuals who have come from different families with their own unique parenting styles, which they also bring to their marriage. Too much leniency, too much discipline, fostering independence early, over protectiveness, are all common parenting issues between couples.
6. Religion
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In some families, religion doesn’t become a major issue. But in others, it can escalate into serious problems. Even within the same religion, spouses can argue about different sects or rituals to be followed, so the problem magnifies when both are from different religions altogether! Choosing one religion to raise kids, celebrating festivals, following tradition pertaining to one religion, are among the various religion-related subjects that couples spar about.
7. Past hurts
There are very few couples who stick to the issue at hand when arguing. We have a tendency to dig up the past and bring up past ‘crimes’ in current topics. Even though there might not be an apparent connection between the two, couples usually have a knack in creating a connection and having a go at each other. This is a very damaging process that all relationship experts advise against. It can make the ‘accused’ spouse feel backed into a corner, and when they start embracing this tactic, the argument becomes a pointless exercise in negativity.
8. Priorities
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Nearly all of us struggle with prioritizing, but a married couple is usually expected to have common goals, considering they’re going to be spending a lifetime together! Problems arise when there is a mismatch in one spouse’s priorities and the other spouse’s expectations of the same. For example, a wife might expect her husband to prioritize her and their family above all, and might get upset when he prioritizes his parents or work instead. He might find nothing wrong with it, and this leads to a lot of heated words hurled at each other across the room.
9. Household chores
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Traditionally, the woman was considered to have the sole responsibility of household chores, but it’s not a man’s world anymore! Unfortunately, many men are yet to get this memo, and when this clashes with their wives’ ideal of a modern metrosexual husband, it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. Even when men help out, many women feel like they still do the lion’s share of the work, while their husbands get away with the easiest of chores.
10. Cleanliness
Close on the heels of household chores comes the cleanliness conundrum. One spouse can be a cleanliness freak, while the other could be a slob and this isn’t just men! Every person has a different standard of cleanliness and wide disparities in this standard are what cause trouble. This is probably the most common irritant between all couples.
Arguing/fighting isn’t bad in itself; it is impossible for two people who live together day after day to be all kisses and hugs 100% of the time anyway. It would get tedious after a while. But fighting right is actually healthy for the relationship; it brings problems out in the open and establishes a channel for communication. However, the bad variety of fighting consists of bringing up the past, deliberately hurting the other person, or even being plain abusive.
Now that you know the common triggers for conflict, you can stay safe!! Some of these may resonate more with you than others; it changes from couple to couple. Whatever it is, take the time out to discuss things calmly and set some rules and boundaries; and the next time you fight, do it right!
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