Heartbreaks are inevitable. No matter how long we try to stay away from love, but sooner or later, it enters our life and changes us entirely. Being in love is certainly one of the best feelings in this world. Though, just like every other good thing, it also comes to an end – often way too unexpectedly, without giving us any closure.
When I experienced the darker side of love, I realized that being single was way better than being betrayed. I reminded myself over and over again that I was happy by myself. At least, I won’t experience the pain and anguish of heartbreak. For as long as I can remember, I tried – I genuinely tried to be happy. But it didn’t matter how much I tried, there was something in my smile that was missing.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
I started to live my life, just like every other single guy would do. I was doing everything in the right way, but there was just something wrong – something new and exciting that I was missing in my monotonous life. It was like as if my entire life was painted in a monochromatic shade and I found a way to hide in those thousand different shades of gray. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, but somewhere, even in my silence, there was something missing.
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Every time someone would ask me how I was doing, I would smile and let them know that I was “okay”. I was. I was okay. But that’s the thing about being single– I was just “okay!”
I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t excited. I wasn’t terrified.
I was just okay!
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to live my life to its best. I refused to simply drag myself through different notions of life. It was a tragedy to see how my biggest fear came true and stood right in front of me, pushing me into a bottomless pit of regret. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. I entered a devastated state of limbo, trying to find my existence.
They say that a ship is safest in a harbor, but that is not what ships are built for. When I packed my heart around a glass wall and placed it in my chest, I protected it from any collateral damage. Though, in order to protect it, I stopped it from doing what it was supposed to do. It stopped beating. I couldn’t feel love anymore. There was no passion in my life. Gradually, I stopped loving everyone around me. I stopped loving myself.
Even today, I carry a smile on my face. My friends and family call me an inspiration. But I feel like I am a walking dynamite, who can explode any time. I am scared because I don’t want to damage the people I love in that catastrophe.
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There are times, when I just simply stare a blank page, trying to write something – anything at all. But I have nothing to feel – nothing to write. I’m devoid of love. I should feel all those strong emotions like hatred, resentment, or agony, right? But the truth is I don’t feel anything at all.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
I feel unfinished. I feel unfinished like a book with torn pages and like a story stuck in the middle. I feel unfinished like a goodbye kiss that never happened and like a piece of the puzzle that was left halfway. I feel unfinished like a song with no melody and like a bird that never got to fly. I feel so unfinished – but I’m not finished.
I was wrong. I would rather be hurt than feel nothing at all. I can’t let this void turn into a black hole and take every bit of my life away from me. I want to break free. I want to be liberated. I want to love and be loved. And no matter how much I profess my peace with being single, I am not okay with being ‘okay’ about it.
Is it too much to ask for?
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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