NO is often a very difficult word to say, mainly because it is bitter and final.
But YES is quite a loaded substitute too. Because it equals agreement or affirmation or encouragement or expectation or responsibility or something else that equals certainty – something absolute.
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And I have a hard time getting either of these tiny words out of my mouth. I do not know if it is fear or skepticism or something else- but I find these words to be too heavy a burden to tow. So, I choose the easy way out of being indecisive – I say, ‘I don’t know.’
It keeps me in a world of ‘almosts’ instead of a world of absolute, and I remain happy.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
I apply the same mantra to love. For now.
And despite what you may think about this being dangerous – for one must always know for sure when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s neat, actually. After three intense relationships ending in a little over the course of a year, I am happy basking in this land of grey.
I left my long-term boyfriend because his indifference fell out of favor with me and he proceeded like a snake-oil love maniac to fall for someone I thought was my friend!
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Shortly thereafter, an old flame I had shared quite an intense connection with popped into my life – without any love alarms going off – and I gave it a second chance. He didn’t. Not out aloud, at least. Naturally, it died fairly quickly and was buried in the same mausoleum we had used years ago.
Love, however, wasn’t done with us and we bumped into each other again – this time – forever. Or so it seemed. It lasted a little longer than the one before but ended again, with an even worse breakup.
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Since then, I have been camping in this warm tent of almosts, allowing any potential connections to simmer in a crockpot until I am ready for a sip. I don’t know why, but this uncertainty is comfortable.
It is comfortable because I am free – free to feel it all or feel zilch, free to be zipped up about all I feel inside or throw it all up with all the other s*it that shall inevitably force its way out after I have downed one too many.
It is comfortable because after the floor dropped out from under me, I am learning to fly. I am not quite rockin’ it yet but I am getting pretty darned good.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
I know that ‘I don’t know’ will not be good enough to sustain my flight for long but I shall squeeze every second of it until it crosses its expiration date. Because until the time I can expend my ‘I don’t knows,’ nothing shall have to turn into something.
And for me to reach out to a potential ‘something,’ it needs to be able to be there for me – through my doubts, my fears, my skepticism, my past, my demons, my hurt, my anger – all the emotions inside me in flux – so as to get out on the other side, my hand in his, so I can finally say YES.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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