I have always been a giver- not because I am some saint with a giant heart but because I am strong. I have always been strong – whatever that means. I’d give away my smile to a stranger, because he could use one on the rainy day that gave me a veil of water to cloud my tears. I’d give away my dream for a family member, so they wouldn’t lose hope as I struggled to hide my doubts. I’d give away my light to a friend who lost her way while I trudged along in the darkness, tripping over demons. I’d even give away myself to a lover, who’d slowly love me out of myself. And I’d give all of these readily, willingly- until it took away my all. I’d give and give until it hurt, until there was nothing left to give anymore. Don’t get me wrong- giving is noble alright, but giving, I believe, comes from that position of strength that can overwhelm you to the point of weakness.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
Selfless, unconditional giving isn’t known to humans and at some point during giving others what they need, humans expect to receive what they need too. Unfortunately, I haven’t come into receiving much and therefore, giving has emptied me of all I had. For a long time, I’ve had nothing inside me- save an untraceable urge to keep going and match pace with time; until that one moment when time ceased all at once for me alone.
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The world kept moving with the clock’s ticking but there I was, on the ground, shaking with a pain that bled my bones. Calendars changed but I remained unaware, frozen in an empty moment- carved out like a fall leaf trapped under frost. Waiting to receive could be the spring-like anesthesia that would fill me with a little hope, but I was trapped in a perennial winter of my own making. Nobody wanted to give freely– giving being a shallow and brief exercise with most, lasting only so long as they found a sweet reason to excuse their flight. And gone they were, leaving me behind in the photograph of life with silhouettes blackened from their absence.
The ache for support echoes in the marrow of my bones. It is like a chill wind trapped inside my soul, freezing my heart, so it fails to keep its beat. With every passing moment, I cling on for dear life- holding out my hand, stretching my fingers toward the light, hoping they’d come in from the shadows again. But there is nothing to be heard except silence. I cannot stop to dwell on this void, because, you guessed it, I am strong. If I do, a tiny second would launch a flood of tears that would roll silently into the crack of my lips, leaving me with the salty taste of abandonment. Even when I don’t, the sadness sits heavy on my heart and I have no option but to carry it around. It is always over me, casting a shadow over all the gaps in my life whence a sliver of light can stealthily sneak in. But I do not mind the weight nor the darkness- I have made peace with the bone-crushing weakness and become friends with the shadows. Hell, I even give them the satisfaction of pinning me down, crushing my ribs and making every breath a struggle. I can’t help it- I am a giver and I am strong.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
So what if it’s slowly plummeting my being downward into lesser and lesser light and plunging my soul into a darkness beyond measure? So what if it’s continually destroying my peace, depriving me of any comfort or emotion? Perhaps, the only way out is through. The pain can still come like an ambush, but a hiding smile, a tear of joy, a real emotion can return. I can’t give much yet- but I can still give. Maybe life is teaching me just who to give to. Just who, amidst a crowd, has eyes just for me. Just who, among the many, is safe.
Maybe life is promising me happiness- but only if I learn to be strong.
And maybe it is only in this crippling weakness that I can find my strength.
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So, yes, I shall give away my smile to a stranger again, because he could use one on the rainy day that gave me a veil of water to cloud my tears. I’d give away my dream for a family member again, so they wouldn’t lose hope as I struggle to hide my doubts. I’d give away my light to a friend who lost her way again while I trudge along in the darkness, tripping over demons. Heck, I’d even give away myself to a lover again, who’d slowly love me out of myself.
But I shall do so hoping to come into light at the other end- because tearing through the darkness needs me to give away every ounce of my energy until there is none left. And once that happens, I hope happiness receives me to peel off the sadness settled over my skin and bring in spring. Coz I’d be willing to give anything to know mine isn’t a long way off.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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