There are a surprising number of people who aren’t comfortable with themselves. Okay, that was a pretty mild way of putting this. Let’s try again – there are a surprisingly large number of people who absolutely hate themselves, and find a perennial source of reasons to continue doing so. They constantly seek validation from others as a means of boosting their self-esteem, and because this validation is usually superficial and manipulative, they fall deeper into the hole that is their self-loathing.
Even Kanye West, who is the poster-boy for self-obsession, said in one of his songs that he uses “Instagram comments to crowd-source (his) self esteem” (sic). A lot of contemporary factors have convinced us that we are not good enough for anything, which has only sought to increase the dissatisfaction we feel for ourselves. This has more psychological repercussions than you can imagine, and it is absolutely imperative to not hate yourself because the only person who is going to get affected (in the wrong way) is you.
Suggested read: 10 practical tips on how to love yourself the way you are
Here are some ways you can figure out how to stop hating yourself.
1. Detach yourself from public opinion
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The causes for self-hate are not very specific, but there are a number of things which can aggravate self-loathing and increase your hatred for yourself. Of these, public opinion is the worst. You judge your worth based on what people think about you, and there is nothing more mentally debilitating than that.
This is because most people are obsessed with themselves, and the more you listen to them brag about themselves and point out your flaws, the more you shrink from society and yourself. What you don’t understand is that they do this to boost their own ego, even at the cost of your self-esteem.
2. Stop trying to please everyone
Learning how to say no to establish your own self-worth in front of other people, to establish your position, even if it is at the cost of a couple of people or two. You are suffering from an emotional debility, they are not. They will not hesitate to take advantage of your weakness and exploit you for your time and energy for their benefit, all the while convincing you that they like you or give you special preference. Couple of words of praise and gratitude is not worth the amount of emotional investment in this exercise.
3. Tell yourself that no one is perfect
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… and it is ridiculous to want to be so. Even the most confident and self-obsessed people have flaws, which they simply choose to ignore. I am not asking you to become self-obsessed, but it is important to understand, consider, and then dismiss the notion of “perfect” that you are constantly striving to be.
Self-loathing stems from a sense of denial of who you are, because you are constantly trying to be someone else, whether it is in terms of looks or behavior or talents. The moment you realize that everyone is flawed, you will seek to find your niche, instead of trying to fit into someone else’s.
4. Find your own niche and be good at it
One of the best ways to reduce the hate you feel for yourself is to think about your fortes instead of your shortcomings. Once you excel at your forte, your shortcomings will fade to the background and you will become an efficient expert in your field.
If you’re good at arts and crafts, or organization, or programming, or hair dressing, or reviewing movies, or any other random occupation in the world, dedicate all your time and attention to developing that, instead of focusing on the things you can’t do, or could have done.
Suggested read: 23 simple ways to love yourself every single day
5. List the things you are good at
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It is ridiculous how surprisingly helpful this is.
People who hate themselves often refuse to believe they are capable of anything, or are any good at anything. When you deliberately take time out to sit and think about the good things you can do, the virtues that you possess, or the bad habits that you don’t, you will find it easier to believe that you aren’t as worthless as you think you are.
If you think it will help you understand how to stop hating yourself, try writing down one good thing about yourself, or something good you did, or something good that happened to you, and check the list every week, or at the end of every month for a quick reminder of why you are awesome just the way you are.
6. Focus on body positivity
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Self-loathing rises not just out of emotional insecurity and self-esteem issues, but because of appearance as well.
Before I can tell you how to imbibe a sense of body positivity about your own body, you should know that very few people in the world are comfortable in their own bodies. The person whose body you envy in turn, envies someone else; so there is no end to this vicious cycle, except coming to terms with who you are and loving that version of yourself.
You can convince yourself of this by doing things like dancing, or mastering yoga, or hiking or engaging in some other physical activity and telling yourself that it is your body that helped you accomplish the task. The flaws make you unique, and again, the only thing making you doubt your own beauty is public opinion and nothing else.
7. Surround yourself with positive, productive people
I speak from experience when I say that negative people and their all-round negative vibes play a huge role in increasing the self-hate that you feel. What you need to do is surround yourself with positive, encouraging friends and family, people who compliment you and genuinely want you around. They crave your presence, and not the service your presence could provide for them, such as an ego boost or one-way emotional and physical support. It might take some time to find the right kind of people to hang out with, but in the meantime, you should not hesitate to get rid of the wrong kind.
8. Find obvious ways to love yourself
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If you think makeup makes you look pretty and feel confident, go ahead and do it. If you are unable to find something you like about yourself, go out and help people in need – give away your old stuff, distribute food to the homeless, take care of stray animals, or adopt a puppy.
You will have an immediate reason to not hate yourself because you helped someone out. This might start out as a compulsion when you need to figure out how to stop hating yourself on an emergency basis, but soon you’ll see you’ve automatically developed virtues like compassion and empathy. That is when you won’t need to actively search for a way to love yourself.
9. Try to embrace failure, and even indulge in it
People feel the urge to hate themselves when they are preoccupied with being good at everything and succeeding every time. However, when the opposite result of the desire effect happens, they collapse and blame it all on their non-existent shortcomings.
This is why it is important to fail, and fail again, and then be okay with it. The moment you are able to forgive yourself for your failures and come to terms with it, you will understand that it is okay to suck because you can try again. When you are comfortable with yourself, you won’t feel the need to over-compensate your lack of self-esteem with your successes.
Suggested read: How to learn to love yourself for who and what you are
What will happen once you stop hating yourself?
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The process of learning how to not hate yourself doesn’t end with a cessation of the self-loathing. It has a lot of side effects which are bound to influence your life positively. Here are some of the things that happen when you stop hating yourself.
- You become infinitely more confident: When you are not trying to please other people, you have enough time to work on your actual skills, which makes you a terribly confident person, without losing your humility.
- You develop maturity in perspective: The moment you stop hating yourself, instead of seeing sources of criticism around you, you start seeing prospects and opportunities for growth and development, making you mature in your outlook.
- Your life will become infinitely less complicated: Instead of constantly worrying about the things that you could do please other people, you will focus on the things that you have right now, your talents, your immediate sources of happiness, and develop an indifference to the negative opinion of others.
- You learn to respect yourself and others: When the process of self-love starts, you will start to realize that maybe you were forcing things on people that they weren’t ready for, whether it was opinions or judgment or decisions, and whether that person was you.
If you are trying to figure out how to stop hating yourself, then you are already one step closer to your objective. Once you start focusing on yourself instead of obsessing about how many times you screwed up and how many people hate you and how many people think you are inferior, you will realize that none of the above matters.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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