One of the strangest yet funniest responses I’ve ever heard about being married for too long was from a man who was married to his wife for 30-odd years. When someone asked him how he felt on his 30th anniversary, he said, very calmly, “Feels like 30 minutes. 30 minutes underwater.”
There was a long pause before everyone burst into fits of laughter.
So you get it, familiarity breeds contempt! Contempt leads to conflict. And unresolved conflicts lead to unwanted things. It’s a vicious circle.
Suggested read: 25 mushy things to say to your girlfriend after a fight
What’s a conflict?
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Well, if you’ve been married for even as long as a year, you know the struggle is real. As real as it gets. Over time, two people are bound to develop differences, difference in opinions, judgment, habits, and mindsets. That’s what a conflict is.
It’s simply having unaddressed issues, and with the passage of time, these issues cause serious repercussions.
Why is it common?
Imagine living with someone 24/7. Let’s rewind a little bit and go back to the time that you were single and happy. Perhaps the time you spent living with your parents and siblings? Living under one roof and seeing too much of each other may have given you plenty of reasons not to like them. There may have been issues that arose due to clashing opinions or simply different thought processes. There may have been days you didn’t speak to a particular family member despite living in the same house. On the other hand, since they’re family, there’s no escaping them!
You see, conflicts are common, especially when you spend too much time with a particular person. It can happen in any kind of relationship, and it’s recurrent in a marriage. Couples who deny it are big fat liars. However, when a conflict isn’t resolved within a certain time frame, it can have severe implications on a relationship. Hence, it’s important to resolve conflicts in marriages.
How to resolve conflicts in marriage?
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Some questions don’t have answers, but luckily, this one does. Although there isn’t an easy way out, there are different things that work for different couples. Resolving a conflict in a marriage is similar to hard labor. It requires tremendous amounts of work, enormous amounts of patience, truckloads of love, and an ability to let go. Well, we said it wasn’t going to be easy!
Real time solutions
One of the most important rules to keep in mind when trying to resolve a conflict is to not let it spill over to the next day. When you know there is a conflict, it helps when the reconciliation happens on the same day. Going to bed without resolving your issues might not be such a good idea. It will only be suppressed until it manifests into something totally unnecessary and uncalled for, if not ugly altogether. Making sure that your problem has been resolved the very day it began is a good way to go about things.
Talk-Talk-Talk
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The silent treatment probably isn’t such a great idea, after all. It will only aggravate the situation; so it’s absolutely important to talk it out and communicate with your partner. Talking about things doesn’t guarantee that it will solve the problem, but it’s a step forward in the right direction. And without talking, without putting it all on the table about what’s bothering you or what made you so angry, how will the other person know what they need to do make amends? Remember, neither you, nor your partner, is a mind-reader.
Suggested read: Top 10 reasons why married couples fight
Talk, not taunt
Bringing up the same fight every now and then isn’t a great way to resolve a conflict. Taunting your partner about a fight that happened a month ago will only cause heartburn and will make matters worse. So let sleeping dogs lie; don’t prod them with a stick. They will get up and growl at you and even attempt to bite you. (Okay, bad analogy, but you get the point!)
Talk, not shout
When you’re talking to your partner about what the problem is, make sure only your partner is listening and not your neighbors. Yelling and screaming and indulging in shouting matches will simply aggravate a delicate situation, and will irritate your partner. Try to avoid it – as much as possible.
Throw out the ego
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Ego has ruined a lot many relationships than cheating partners have. When pride and ego come before anything else, your vision gets blurred and you fail to think rationally. Between you and your spouse, it won’t matter who gives in. Because, someone has to let go and take a step forward to making it right. Your relationship is bigger than your ego; so let the latter go and embrace the former.
Apologize when you’re wrong
Most of us hate to say sorry, and sometimes accepting that you are at fault may seem an impossible thing to do. In comparison, you’d still think that training a dragon would be slightly more doable than saying sorry to your partner! But you know what? If you’re quick enough to apologize, you’d be saving something that is falling apart. So, do it.
Be more accepting
An easier way to resolve conflict is definitely walking out. It may seem like the best thing to do sometimes. But divorces are expensive and separations are painful. So, at times, you may have to bear and live with this person in order to make things work. Once you know your partner’s habits, you must learn to accept them the way they are. Expecting them to change will only lead to disappointment. And you don’t want that.
It’s not always about winning
If you love keeping a score, you must participate in the Olympics! Marriage isn’t a competition where you are constantly recording who did what, and who won the last argument. That’s why, sometimes you have to prepare to lose. That’s how to resolve conflicts in a marriage.
Stay on the topic
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Some people have the tendency of bringing up bitter past events, or totally unrelated topics during a fight. What this does is that it only hampers and irritates the other person, and before you know it, you both are digging for skeletons from each other’s closet. Well, that ain’t good at all. Just think about it – how would bringing an old (possibly resolved) conflict into the present one help? It’s just a defense mechanism that some people fall back on.
Never abuse
Whether you’re a man or a woman, abuse of any kind isn’t a classy thing to do. Whether it’s using foul language or physical abuse, it will only lead to destruction of your relationship, besides being an uncouth thing to do! Words cannot be taken back, and physical abuse isn’t acceptable at all – in any situation. It’s a big NO-NO.
Don’t harbor ill feelings
Well, if you’re someone who isn’t confrontational but harbors all ill feelings up to a point that it’s overwhelming, then someday, you will simply burst. Then, that isn’t good either. Suppressing your feelings and not talking about it will build up the frustrations and annoyances in your mind. Even if the conflict is rather silly, you could simply blow it out of proportion by keeping your feelings suppressed.
Meet halfway, if not resolve completely
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Easier said than done, right? Well, think about it; it’s not necessary that only one person sacrifices everything or bends down. An effort is required from both people, so it’s not necessary that you resolve a fight by simply doing something one person says. While it may be hard to agree on a few things, to resolve a fight, both of you have to come halfway. A compromise is expected from both partners.
Don’t overthink
Our minds can play silly games on us, so if you’re alone and thinking about a particular fight, you may be building up a totally bogus scenario or a case to hate the other person. Learn to treat a conflict like it’s a little corn on your toe. A band aid will surely fix it and make it disappear. It isn’t life-threatening, but something that can be easily treated. Over thinking and reading too much into something will only make it seem difficult and complicated than it actually is.
Suggested read: 10 fights between couples that help strengthen their bond
Get perspective
It surely helps when you get a different perspective on the issue. While you need to be cautious about what and how much information you are sharing with a third person, a confidant or a true friend will always help you see a positive way out. Besides, they will give you a fresh perspective on things. Use it, but with discretion.
How to resolve conflicts in marriage if one of you isn’t able to follow these above steps? Marriage is hard work, and if you fail to give it its rightful importance, it’s easy for it to collapse. Working consistently on a marriage will make it strong and improve your bond with your partner. Conflicts are regular in every relationship, so try not to make a big deal out of it and treat it like a little tide, simply surf through it than let it drown you. Leaving conflicts unresolved isn’t a great way to resolve conflicts; act wisely and accordingly. What you may think of as a small misunderstanding doesn’t take too long to become a reason for divorce! Making sure that misunderstandings are cleared and the right tone is set, will help you maintain a long-lasting bond with your spouse.
Featured image source: Dollarphotoclub
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