The two most important components of a relationship are love and trust. The absence of either one of them could put your whole relationship into jeopardy. However, both are equally important, but somehow trust takes priority over love. Because trust is the foundation upon which love is built, over time. If you can’t trust someone, it may become difficult to love that person. So, it’s established that trust is required for any relationship, and is of utmost importance for any relationship to continue.
But what happens when this same trust that you depend so much upon, is broken?
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When trust is broken, it not just damages the relationship but also causes humongous damage to the people involved. People get hurt when trust is broken. The damage is irreversible and cannot be repaired. Often, people suffer and carry the burden of this heartbreak with them.
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It’s just that when trust is broken, there isn’t much you can do. Your faith collapses and it’s very difficult to start trusting again. Even if you want to, even if you try very hard, it isn’t possible. It just doesn’t seem right. There’s something off about this feeling. It doesn’t come back that easily. Despite rigorous efforts, trust cannot be built overnight once it’s broken. No matter how hard the other person tries, there will always be that twinge of doubt in your mind. That insecure feeling which doesn’t let you depend on the other person.
People who have been betrayed before are often the ones who find it so hard to trust again. Even if they do, they’re very insecure and always wary about it being broken again. It’s understandable. It takes years to win someone’s trust, and just moments to break all that was built so painstakingly. Just like a broken vase, or a shattered mirror, trust too, cannot be glued back together to its original shape. At least, not easily. There isn’t much you can do to that damage, it will break the other person into several minute pieces. Pieces that can never be put back together without the cracks being seen.
Sometimes, people don’t admit how much they were affected by their trust being broken. They pretend that they’re fine, and that it isn’t a big deal. But on the inside, they’re suffering more than Christ on the Cross!
How to fix trust issues in a relationship?
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It isn’t easy because there isn’t a definite answer to that question. You could perhaps get on Google and type your question. Your search may pull up a variety of information. Things you must do, you can do, and must not do! Who is to say? Do these people even know what it means to have their trust broken?
Well, we know and feel your pain. We understand that this difficult moment in your life isn’t something you can speak about openly. There may not even be a cure to this problem. But there are ways you can try to fix this. Because only by trying you’d be able to give yourself a fair chance to get better, to heal, and to begin trusting again.
The complete guide on how to fix trust issues in a relationship might in reality be an exhausting book of more than a thousand pages. If you don’t have enough time to flip over those thousand-odd pages, you may want to read this article a little more carefully.
There could be a number of things that could invoke feelings of doubt. Here are a few things you could probably go through when you start feeling that you’re being taken for granted and your trust breaks!
1. Your partner is overly secretive
Every device they own is password protected. What’s worse is that they delete a lot of messages and other content always. So, your partner is always on their phone and when you ask them about it, they simply brush away the topic. They are smiling to themselves and won’t share the joke with you. That’s a red flag right there.
2. Your partner doesn’t like you intruding on their secret
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They don’t like sharing their little secrets with you. When you ask to see their phone, they refuse. Whether it’s their laptop, their phone, or any other device they own, they don’t like it when you fiddle with their things. That makes you all the more suspicious, doesn’t it?
3. You think they lie to you often
By now you know very well when you’re being lied to, and your partner doesn’t hesitate to lie to your face. They do it again and again. So, even when you know the truth and when you demand an answer, all you get is a lie. By now, you’re tired of all the lies they’ve told you – both blatant and subtle.
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4. When they get caught, they don’t confront
When you ask them about their lie, they have no come backs. They neither admit to it, nor deny it. They are expressionless (which is all the more frustrating to you!). A cheating partner will never confront, nor will they admit to their wrongdoing easily. So, you’re left in between and don’t know what to make of their seemingly noncommittal silence.
5. You’ve had bad experiences before
The reason you are scared of a relationship is because of your past bad experiences. You fear history repeating itself, and just can’t get over the feeling. Bad relationships leave scars, very ugly ones. Getting over the past might be tougher than you think.
6. You make assumptions when your partner doesn’t speak up
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The constant silence between you two leads you to assuming things in your mind, which are far more dangerous than reality. Haven’t you heard that assumption is the mother of all … ??
7. Your partner is the flirty type
You’ve got yourself a charming partner, no doubt. But your partner is charming to everyone (which is a problem). So they know it and aren’t afraid to use it for some fun, on and off. Well, being flirty isn’t all that bad, but when your partner flirts with others despite knowing that you don’t like them doing it, it may be a problem.
8. You feel violated because you share too much and they don’t
Apart from telling them how your day was, what salad you ate, and which bank called you to offer you a free credit card, you tell your partner everything. Like, every single detail of your life and your day, but somehow they aren’t revealing too much about themselves and that frightens you. They give you monosyllabic answers when you press them, and even those replies are anything but convincing.
9. Your partner has a history
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So, your partner has once admitted to cheating on someone in the past. And you know they have. Then, you’ll also know very well that history can repeat itself, so you’re constantly living in fear. Which doesn’t help your cause at all.
Suggested read: Learn how to trust after being betrayed in your previous relationship
Well, if you’re feeling all these blues and don’t know what to do about it, here are a few things you must know and can try them to improve your trust in a relationship. It may not seem easy at first, but trying will surely help.
1. Define ‘trust’ for yourself
The very word could mean different things to both you and your partner. One of the first things to do while trying to fix trust issues is by defining what the word means to you. Once you know what it means to you, you can then communicate the same to your partner and draw boundaries.
2. Trust yourself
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Do you trust yourself enough? If you can’t trust yourself, you are never going to trust anyone else, are you? Just like how charity begins at home, trust too, should start with yourself.
3. Give and take
No relationship can be built on a ‘one-way’ logic. If you’re gaining someone’s trust, you must also let them in on yours. A relationship is based on the ‘give and take’ policy. It makes life simpler. One person alone cannot be sacrificing everything; after all, it takes two to clap, right?
4. Do a reality check
Love can be blind, and sometimes, this blinding love can be misleading too. When you’re into it, it may seem perfect. But in reality, it may be an illusion. Doing a reality check will ensure that you aren’t being led by the rose-tinted glasses perched over your eyes, and that you know what you’re doing in the relationship and where you stand.
5. Talk about it openly
Sometimes it’s difficult to talk about your fears, apprehensions, and inhibitions. We understand that, but the more you shy away from them, the chances are that these demons will surround you more. When you talk about your feelings openly to your partner you are letting them in on your feelings, which is a great way to let them know what you’re expecting from them. More often than not, the lack of communication leads to a lot of problems. So, it becomes imperative to discuss these and ease your anxiety about these issues.
6. When in doubt, ask
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So, you think your partner has defaulted somewhere but you aren’t sure. You can’t seem to put your finger on it, but your gut is telling you something else. Trust your instincts, but don’t keep it to yourself. When you doubt something about your partner, a healthy way to resolve that feeling is by simply asking them. Don’t let that suspicion get to you and play your mind. That could unnecessarily lead to way too much build up and simply spoil your equation and peace of mind.
7. Let it go
Holding on to the past has never benefited anyone. So why hold on to something that has upset you, or destroyed you? It’s best to put those feelings to rest and simply look forward to newer things in life. When you let it go, you involuntarily let go of those ill feelings, which invariably affect your peace. And once you’ve learnt the trick, you’ll start loving yourself and feeling much lighter.
8. Bad experiences don’t always repeat
It’s not necessary that history will repeat itself always. It could in more than a few ways, but it would totally depend on your attitude towards life and how you view it. Sometimes, there is calm before a storm, and sometimes, when the storm is over, there’s a bright shining colorful rainbow. So, look forward to life with a positive attitude. Bad experiences don’t always repeat themselves, they happen for a reason and the simple reason is for us to learn from them and not commit the same mistakes.
9. Be prepared for it anyway
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Even if there has been a repetition of a bad experience, there isn’t much you can do about it. Because some things aren’t in your control. But what you can do is, to be prepared for it. When you mentally prepare for it, you may be able to deal with it in a rather efficient and smart way. Because being mentally prepared for what’s to come is a better way to deal with something than being totally unprepared.
Suggested read: 13 important things to keep in mind when loving someone dealing with trust issues
That said, sometimes you are left wondering how to fix trust issues in a relationship because despite there being a perfect guide, you simply can’t seem to follow it. It cannot be applied in real life and that it seems like a tough task to do. It seems overly mechanical and completely impractical. But, don’t let that stop you. What you really need is, for you to try your best. Give it another shot, give your best to the other person.
Don’t forget that dealing with someone who has trust issues can be equally frustrating for the other person as well. And sometimes, it may all be in your mind, a place where a lot of things can be cooked up. It could be stressful to let it all build up inside and not have an outlet to get it out of your system. But if you’re someone who has trust issues, you must know that it is way too poisonous than someone actually breaking your trust. Because, yes, we feel your pain, but trust issues sometimes lead to unnecessary doubts and complications that could jeopardize the entire rapport you share with the other person.
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