There aren’t too many things in life that excite me as much as going after your heart’s desire with everything you’ve got. And that is why Nate Bagley, a twenty-something love enthusiast, has come to be one of my favorite-est people on earth. Being someone who loves to garnish the ‘relationship’ platter with elation myself, I just couldn’t help but jump with joy at chancing upon Nate Bagley’s The Loveumentary Project.
Stemming from Nate’s frustration at hearing love stories that only made home at the ‘extreme’ ends of the relationship spectrum – thereby being either the ‘heartbreak-hence-painful’ kind or the idyllic, romanticized film-version kind, the project began as an experiment to strip off this veneer on ‘romance’ and look for what lies underneath. The discovery surprised him and made millions like me, who have glimpsed into his project, so so so HAPPY!
Suggested read: This video of everlasting LOVE will bring you to tears!
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In an attempt to peel off all the layers that constitute the fantastical, unreal type of love or are the characteristic element of a disillusioned, unfulfilling kind, Nate traveled around the country to interview all kinds of couples under the sun and decode their secrets to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Needless to say, the BEST relationship advice emerged.
“My hope was that through talking to these couples, some patterns would emerge… or that I would at least get some pro tips on how to have a successful long-term relationship for myself down the road,” he explained. “I was not prepared for the world that I was about to discover.”
Over the course of this one year, he interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, long-time couples, and newer couples. He even interviewed couples in arranged marriages as well as those in polygamous relationships.
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And it is at this juncture that we get to my favorite part. When Nate Bagley started to post an account of his experiences on Reddit – a not-so-worthy forum for relationship advice, the responses resulted in an AMA (Ask Me Anything) section which brought alive one of the most amazing things Reddit may have ever had the pleasure to find splattered across it’s blue pages!
And it is by scouring through those invaluable pieces of advice that we now serve the best of Nate Bagley to you. Here’s what he has on the best relationship advice ever:
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The key things that make for a HAPPY relationship:
“This was actually one of the most surprising things I learned on the journey.
Self-love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.
Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.
Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if sh*t got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard – they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Trust: Happy couples trust each other… and they have earned each others’ trust. They don’t worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they’ve proven over and over again that they are each other’s biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It’s day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.
Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.
Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.
The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.”
And you know what amidst all of that ‘wonder’ splish-splashed on the Reddit page drenched me the most – that image of the couple who’d stop by the wayside to make out in the rain! And I wasn’t alone. Many other readers were curious about this couple too and on probing Nate further, we extricated the wondrous secret. Josh and Jenny from Kansas city were one of his favorite couple interviewees and here’s what he had to say about them:
“They are the couple whose life I’d like to steal if I could. They live more intentionally than anyone I’ve ever seen. They are the kind of couple who does the dishes together every night and then slow dances in the kitchen.”
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
And while the GREAT news is that all of the interviews, along with the best relationship counsel is available on Loveumentary.com, his website dedicated to his plain smile-worthy year of experiential learning about REAL love from all-the-more-REAL couples who have REAL-ly HAPPY relationships (not because it’s their perennial state of being but because they are ‘committed’ to strive against all odds, together)! Available as worthy podcasts on his site worth every tick you spend listening, his Reddit thread isn’t lacking in engagement. There’s plenty more. Take a look:
On the BEST relationship advice he got:
“One woman in Georgia gave some pretty amazing advice. She and her husband have been married for over 60 years, and after being asked what her best relationship advice would be, she paused and said…’Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.‘”
On the BEST way to resolve disagreements:
Don’t Fight To Win: A huge number of couples talked about how they didn’t fight against each other. I mean, if you’re in love, you should be playing for the same team. Your goal should be to resolve the issue, not to emerge victorious over the love of your life… and let’s be honest, you just feel guilty when you win anyway.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Seek to Understand: If you’re having a hard time playing on the same team, stop fighting and instead try to understand why your partner is upset. Typically what’s being talked about isn’t the real issue. People are inherently bad at being vulnerable, especially in threatening situations. Be willing to ask sincere questions. Let the answers sink in. If she is complaining that you’re spending too much time at work, maybe the real issue is that she misses you, and wants to feel connected with you. Rather than arguing about how you’re providing for the family, and she needs to respect how hard you work, try to listen to what she’s really saying. Then hold her. Come home early one day, and surprise her with a date, or some special one-on-one time. Reassure her that she, and your relationship, are a priority for you. If you don’t want that same issue to arise again, keep investing in the solution.
Just Be Nice To Each Other – Seriously. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t call names. Don’t take jabs. Don’t try to hurt the other person. Argue naked if it helps… but just be kind and civil and respectful. It will prevent so many bad things from happening.
But that’s not all. Of course, we are in awe of the good-natured, earnest, and humble responses with which he has delighted plenty a Reddit reader – but what’s even more intriguing is that the man who is busy collating all his interviews under the Loveumentary roof, making podcasts available to a whole generation of love-doofuses who’d do well to listen and learn from them, teaching about love and writing a book on the project too (yep, that’s true), the man behind this WORTHY monumental project – Nate Bagley – has also started a date-in-a-box service called Unbox Love. And here’s why he felt driven to start this:
“The idea is that most people’s lives are full to the brim with obligations, commitments, to-dos, errands, bills, and chores. And they’re not getting any less busy anytime soon.”
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Feeling the stench of the typical movie-and-dinner dating rut that was making millions nauseous and yet, they stuck to it, as if by compulsion or plain habit, he stated,
“I hate dinner and a movie. It’s a cop-out. Eating average food in a noisy restaurant surrounded by strangers, followed by sitting for 3 hours in a dark room in silence doesn’t make anyone’s relationship more interesting. It doesn’t build connection. It doesn’t create memories.”
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And that is why he has started this service that plans creative dates that shall bring alive memories for you to cherish in the here-and-now and for forever.
Well, coming from a man who has seriously done his research, we are darned SURE this one is as good as it can get. And now if you will excuse me, I will get back to listening to his couple podcasts on Loveumentary and gain some more of the best relationship advice. See ya…
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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