I know what you are thinking.
How distrustful can I be?
How much more perfect can I expect them to be?
Why am I so paranoid?
How jaded can I get?
How can I alienate those on my OWN team?
Suggested read: Common arguments against feminism and how to respond to them
Well, I CAN be distrustful where ‘tis warranted. I do NOT expect perfection, I expect perfect subscription to the ideology one claims to support. I am not paranoid, plain rational. Not jaded, simply truthful. And I can take one for the team, provided it is really MY team.
So, let’s cut to the chase- some suspicions are well, erm, well-advised.
There are feminist men who are actually waging war against gender inequality by wielding potent weapons against toxic gender socialization and conformity to predefined gender roles and then, there are feminist men who are simply using their social justice cloak to hide their own abusive behavior. Still wonder why I am suspicious of this second hybrid, our quote unquote “allies?”
Here’s why:
1. They attempt to control our sexuality
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If I tell you there are men out there who believe in your liberation and sexual agency only in so far as it serves their purpose of being able to guilt you into sex or the ones who actively endorse your right to have sex but show their real face when it comes to your rights about choosing NOT to have sex, would a dozen names pop in mind? There you go. That’s the likes of feminist men who will believe in ‘a no means no’ but shall have no qualms in construing a lack of ‘no’ as a ‘yes.’ These are the feminist men who shall devour inordinate amounts of p*rn behind closed doors but will vehemently attack Beyonce’s outfits, now that she’s a mom. These are the feminist men who vouch they are anti-rape but shall simultaneously aver that women taking charge of their sexual agency and owning their bodies ‘let down the cause’ and deserve what they get. These are feminist men who totally support your right to speak up but will never ask. These are feminist men who aren’t FEMINIST! Remember women, your a/sexuality belongs to you and you alone!
2. They feel entitled to our appearance
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If I tell you that there are men out there who shall discount your fierce words only because they are uttered from a set of caramel painted lips or will totally get why some women wish to denounce shaving but shall, in turn, ignore those very women, will a dozen names pop in mind? If I told you that there are men who will point out how you’d look equally beautiful sans makeup, high heels or short skirts, as if confident that we strut about in our heels and hems for’em, would you be able to single out the sh*tty pigs? That’s the likes of feminist men who will drop compliments about ‘natural beauty’ but shall have no qualms directing you to the natural shades counter at Sephora in favor of the bright ones. These are feminist men who are body positive for thin women donning bikinis and not so much for our plus-sized sisters. These are men who shall drop hints about the ‘big date’ they’ve planned for you but won’t get why you need to deck up on a girls’ night out- as if looking good for oneself wasn’t reason enough in itself, for itself. Remember women, Your body is yours and so are the choices of what goes on or off it!
Suggested read: The makeup-wearing feminist is NOT an oxymoronic anomaly
3. They try to manipulate us in the name of equality
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If I told you there are men out there who use gaslighting and derailing as significant techniques of throwing your concerns off track, would a few faces come to light? If I told you there are men out there who have no qualms throwing in abuses such as b*tch, c*nt and sl*t in their arguments when they lose their cool but throw ‘abuser dynamic’ to your face when you as much as raise your voice when that infamous temper flares, would you recognize some hypocrites who wear the feminism mask? These are the feminist men who use their intersectional oppression to revert historical facts and play the victim. These are the feminist men who wish to control you- and let’s admit it, ladies, that’s abuse, no matter the pretty packaging it comes in! Remember women, any trick that coerces you into admitting to anything that isn’t really what that tiny voice inside you is whispering about, isn’t RIGHT!
4. They set up womanhood as a competitive race:
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If I repeated ‘compliments’ like you are not like other women and that you are so much more mature and enlightened than the rest of your species, would you be able to see through the covert condescension to your kin? If I reminded you of the kind of treatment that evinces your existence as some ‘perfect mix of beauty and brains,’ or a manic pixie dream girl who has the ability to whisk their partner to a female wonderland at will- something not every woman can do- would you see through the ruse? These are the feminist men who divvy up our populace into the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ and use silly reasons to justify that! These are the feminist men who label you as a ‘girl,’ a ‘woman,’ or simply a female depending on how close you inch to conformity on their ‘acceptable’ behavior spectrum! Remember women, the men who divide us and set up womanhood as a competition, are trying to trick us into wielding arms against each other, just so they can save their kind!
5. They wield their ‘masculine objectivity’ as a valid argument
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Remember men who tell you you are overreacting? Men who aver they support women’s rights but then, try to call you out because your advocacy of the same doesn’t seem ‘well-founded and rational’ to them? Men who shoulder their way into any debate surrounding feminism or related topics just so they can inject the male ‘logic’ in? Men who think they are neutral and can’t seem to own their biases? These are the feminist men who wouldn’t shy away from making generalizing your kind as ‘emotional’ and ‘irrational’ just so they can silence you. These are the feminist men who take every attack on toxic masculinity personally, because it hits too close to home. These are the feminist men who do not get that their ability to detach themselves from our collective lived reality simply reinforces their privilege. So, remember women, nobody can play the devil’s advocate when it is about our experiences! We speak, and so, can be subjective!
Suggested read: Confessions of a self-proclaimed perfectionist, how feminism helped A LOT!
6.They have double standards
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Remember men who boast of a number of female friends who are ALL feminists but wear a frown for a day and a half because you had coffee with a male colleague? Men who seem uncomfortable with the number of men you’ve been in the sack with? Men who champion the feminist cause in front of you and your friends but aren’t above laughing at crude, sexist, rape jokes with their own? Men who justify their anger as being able to be in touch with their emotional side and thereby, not subscribing to the dominant definition of masculinity but blame your anger on hormones? Men who shall pursue you endlessly but shall have stories about the crazy b*tch who happens to be their ex? Men who shall jump at the chance of ‘taking care’ of you when you are hammered, when there aren’t any witnesses around? Men who shall have no qualms telling you birth control is your department because, hey, you have so many options? Remember women, you are not mistaken in seeing right through them and noticing hypocrisy!
Now, tell me, whose side are you on?
Featured image source: Berry
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