I remember that moment. ‘Everything will be fine,’ you’d said.
Years later, as tears leave their own dried out tracks on my cheeks, I stroke the empty pillow where you used to be. A world away, in another city, in another bed where you are asleep, I wonder if my tears drown you.
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Suggested read: You are not meant to forget him
I wonder if the ocean in my eyes beats against your being, its waves waking you up with a punch in the gut- like the stab of loneliness one feels, when in the arms of another ‘like’ love but not quite. I wonder if you think of me when the moon whispers our love story to the stars, who’ve kept our wish a secret for so long. I wonder if you look for me in your dreams before waking up to someone else. I wonder if you wear the smile of our memories every day, giving them to everyone- but knowing it’s meant only for me. I wonder if you feel my poetry spilling into you, as the distance between us melts into my inkless pen. I wonder if the songs I play on lonely afternoons tugs at your heartstrings to spell my name. I wonder if the ache in my heart slices through your speechless bones, so you can pick that damn phone to let free the words trapped under your throat.
And they won’t be ‘everything will be fine.’
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I know because I caged the swelling ocean in my eyes that day. I know because the waves haven’t stopped raging since. I know because I haven’t been able to contain them since. I know because I don’t try either. They spill out, in the yawn of dawn and the husk of dusk, the middle of day and the throes of night- with each breath, each pause and everything in between- forever more, with an intensity too large for me alone.
But I am standing still, holding up the armor of our memories against the lashing storm, for as long as my exhausted fingertips don’t give way. I am standing still, wrapped in the warmth of our memories against the wintry winds, for as long as my emptied frozen shell doesn’t crack. I am standing still, clinging to the crag of our memories, until I fall off the deep end.
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Because when I do, I will know if you shall come for me. I will know if you will fight the storm or burn to keep me warm. I will know if you will hold me, should I fall and I will know if I ever meant everything to you, at all.
I will know if you shall shoot love into my veins, so I can come back to life anew or simply, leave me be for the winds to carry me where I belong.
And then, everything will be fine.
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