The reason baggage creates most damage is because we allow it to stay. We forget to check it in.
I had sworn I’d not fall in love after my past relationships (two, don’t imagine a fleet) left me believing I was well, unlovable. I wanted to be free from the judgment, the pain, the ache, the longing and maybe even the vulnerability. I didn’t want to get hurt again and therefore, stopped myself from falling for someone again.
Suggested read: 9 powerful tips on how to fall in love again after a breakup
But as they say man proposes, and God disposes, life had other plans. My heart raced way ahead of my mind- and before I knew it, I was on the hellish ride again. I was falling for someone, real fast and didn’t know what I could do to jam on the brakes, hard. I realized that I was falling in love quicker than I should and quicker than I was ready for, but it was happening.
I didn’t know how it’d go- and I went with it. But just with everything else that starts before you are prepared to let it, I ended in the same abyss- questioning myself about why it was happening to me.
And I might just have a few answers. My past relationships are helping me figure just why my current one needs amends:
1. I tend to get sucked backward in time
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
It wasn’t until recently that I found myself in the middle of a bad fight (I am yet to understand what good ones look like) spewing uncalled for vitriol. I felt myself sink into someone I didn’t recognize and it took some calm and introspection, in retrospect to realize that my anger was misdirected. I was using my boyfriend as a stand-in for all the hurt I felt from my past relationships. It made me realize that there was still a lot of work to be done, before I could love again, completely.
2. I am emotionally volatile
If I am being all lovey-dovey right now, I might just turn into an ice queen the next moment. Both labels I’d rather avoid, but for the purposes of explanation! Nonetheless, the hurt from my past relationships has made me so skeptical that I have begin to grow wary of happiness. My past relationships have slighted me so and cast me aside so often that I am unable to accept being chosen. I am scared and feel that no matter what I do, I shall never be enough for ‘us’ to work- so I tend to switch on and off as a self-preservation mechanism.
Not to mention, I fail miserably at protecting myself too.
3. I tend to misunderstand a lot of things
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My past relationships have given me so much (pain) that a sentence out of your mouth might remind me of what my exes did. Then, that sentence shall become something from my past than what it really is in the present.
I think you should believe me when I tell you I know how unfair that is- but also when I tell you that no matter how hard I’m trying, I can’t seem to shake off the manipulation I hear when I hear the same words again!
I don’t know if time shall erase this, but I do know I hate that I do this- and hate it more that I feel helpless about not being able to not do it!
4. I hold back
My efforts in the past have only led me to be taken for granted and then, ultimately trashed. So, I don’t do romance anymore. I have come to associate it with an obvious disappointment sooner or later- and hence, hold back. A lot.
5. I don’t know if I’ll be over it
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Despite trying hard to believe in love and its power, my past relationships have become a permanent part of who I am. They are waiting inside, like a chronic disease, running through every vein, inhabiting every cell- until I am writhing in pain.
Suggested read: 10 simple ways to find yourself after a heartbreaking breakup
I am not saying it is okay- not even that those I’ve loved are responsible for my disbelief in happy endings- but I am trying to move away from guilt and own my choices. I am trying to convince myself it isn’t my fault- or anybody else’s. That the universe is watching and it doesn’t forget.
I am hoping there is hope- for damaged souls like me- to take back the pieces of our hearts, glue them back in place and then, wait for the band-aids to rip off and reveal a heart as good as new. A heart that remembers loving can beget pain- but a heart that also knows loving and the love it can beget.
Maybe I am too heartbroken or maybe I am recovering, at least I’d like to believe so- and if you are in the same place as me, unsure- maybe you should hold on to the hope too. Because maybe, just maybe, there’s still hope.
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