My boyfriend and I are breaking up. Don’t feel sorry for me; this isn’t my first almost relationship. My heart is heavy with regrets; my head tells me it is all my fault; I look back at my life, and agree with both, sadly. The choices I have made, though they seemed right then, have proven to be disastrous. But what if this too is a wrong choice, a wrong road I am planning to travel? What if I wasn’t wrong when choosing whom to love but when I chose to let them go? What if I had stayed on? What if I had believed that it isn’t too late; that all I needed to do was give our relationship some time? Maybe all this is crap, and I am going nuts because I have realized that all I can have is an almost relationship.
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Do I wish I could go back in time and fix everything? Yes, I do. Would that make a difference? May be it would. May be it wouldn’t. May be we would walk a few more miles together. But would that make a difference? Wouldn’t the heartbreak taste sourer with more memories to feed on?
Suggested read: Here’s Why I Have To Let You Go
I feel horrible, not only for the man who loved me last, but also for the man who will love me next. I know you will always believe only in the best about me, and you will be wrong. You will let your love for me blind you, and you will be wrong. You will cling on to your idea of me, and every day, little by little, I will escape this idea, until a time will come when you will realize that these are two different people. And that is when you will tell me, “You have changed.”
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“Yes”, I will tell you, “I have changed. I have grown.” But none of this will reach you as you give it all you’ve got to compare my picture in your head and this strange woman standing in front of you. You will race your memory to the time we first met, and find some solace in that moment. But I will snap you out of your trance because I know that look way too familiarly. I know what you are doing to yourself, and I cannot let you be haunted by the demons of who I used to be. I will hold you close to me, and you will think it’s my way of telling you I will give US another chance, but I want you to know, that this moment is your answer when you ask me, days from now, “when did we drift apart”.
The man who loved me last, don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t question if what we had was ever true; it was. There can be nothing truer than what we felt for each other. I loved you with all my heart, and I know you gave it your all too. I am not going to tell you, it was me and not you. It was both of us. I am not asking you to get over the whole thing. I am not saying you shouldn’t either. Don’t reread our letters and texts plaguing yourself with words that you think I never meant, but revisit, only if you believe with each tear you wipe, you will erase me out of your life. Don’t replay our conversations in your head, and even if you do, promise me you won’t pause at those, which first give you a sense of joy, but then make you want to rip out your heart from your chest because you realize what you had is lost. Don’t think about alternate universes where may be we would have worked out, because even if we wade through an infinite number of universes hoping to stumble upon one where we could find our happily-ever-after, we wouldn’t, and I know that because we would still be the same two people. We would paddle through faultless galaxies, but we would still be the fractured two, who get blinded by the light that flows through the cracks of the other.
Suggested read: This Is How I Love You
But no matter what you do, don’t try to bring me back, because I won’t come. I won’t come, not because I think I deserve better, but because I know I am not enough for you.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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