Hon,
I see you across the hall, sitting by the window and willing me to come to you, to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, and to tell you that ‘I love you.’ No, you don’t speak the words but I read them in your eyes. Like an embossed script you have been carrying about for days, months. Yet, I refuse to budge from my stool and venture outside the walls of my room – either waiting to be beckoned by bribe or coaxed by one of the many tricks you use to bring me around to talk again. Mostly, I wait for you to come to me.
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I know it sucks. It must suck for you the most. After all, you are the one working with a sledgehammer to bust down the colossal walls I have made around myself. And from inside here, even if I shout out the three magical words you have been craving to hear, I doubt you will be able to hear ’em. These thick walls will gulp them before they can reach you.
I love you, hon. I do. I do love you. I really, really do.
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For the various ways you make me laugh. For the times you build me up when my confidence hits rock bottom. For the times you remind me I am beautiful. For the times you get me a hot bowl of soup when my nose is leaking snot! For the times you let me have the remote control. For those winner-jokes I laugh at for until about two days later with the same roar! And for the way you laugh at your own poor ones! But most of all, I love you for simply attempting to love me.
I have believed or been led to believe I am not an easy one to love. Perhaps, one of the most difficult ones around. And yet, here you are – equipped with your sledgehammer of patience, mallet of strength, and a giant rucksack of love – braving the challenge of tearing down the very walls around my heart that I have long sealed with the kind of mortar and cement that will not give away to the most fatal of blows. Maybe, I have used steel to hurt-proof the places where the wounds were most deep – so nothing could reach there again. THAT makes me love you with all the force of my heart.
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Hon, I know you might think, on days like these (that repeat themselves at faster frequency than the reboot of a virus-infected machine) that I am simply emotionally limited or that I don’t want you to know me or that I don’t care enough to show you who I really am or what I really feel. I can safely say that none of it is true. You have been extremely patient with me until now, and I implore you, in the same silent language of the eyes, to hold on a bit longer. You see, I am not emotionally unavailable by choice. Yes, I have taken steps to protect myself better, but you see, I never knew I wouldn’t have to. I never knew YOU would come along and make me feel so safe!
And now that I do know that I’d like to let you in, or at least, fervently wish that you can break down these walls, it seems a test in patience for both of us that I am afraid we will flunk. I want to reciprocate all your LOVE-ly gestures with the love I feel for you. I want to wear that vulnerability cloak again for I know that as you undress me to find the REAL me, I’d feel safe. I want to feel the bliss of loving that can only come from being truly open. And yet, I have locked myself and do not know where the key is. I am cognizant of being emotionally unavailable and the crippling feeling that accompanies it – and yet, I do not know how.
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Which is why I am hoping you’d hold on for a li’l bit longer, work through those walls for a li’l more while, bring them down with an incisive stroke of winning my heart, and seal the victory with the kiss I have long been craving! And I know you find it hard. I know that you will have moments doubting my intention. You have all the reason to question it too – after all, it shouldn’t be hard to climb out the walls I have erected myself, right? It shouldn’t be hard to throw in a rope and climb out – why make you work so hard for it? Why have such an overwhelming need to feel in control until the very end?
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That’s because these walls have bricks of fear planted in them. And if you let go now, the fear will stay on to haunt me forever. Each of us have our own fears that hold us back, and being difficult is mine. I want to know you can make it. If you defeat these fears by crushing those bricks to the ground, I will have nothing to fear. I will be free to give and accept love. I know it is wrong for me to expect you to rid me of my fear – but the exorcism is already over. I just need your help in escaping the site.
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MY PART, hon, as much as has been quite the opposite of helpful in supporting these walls and plastering them with my emotional unavailability, is helpful in that I have allowed, in all this while – in howsoever tiny a way – for you to build a passage inward so you can help me find the key. Or simply unlock the door with some of your love-tools in that rucksack. Or maybe, even find some weak Achilles-heel-spot in the wall I might have overlooked whilst construction – so you can make that incisive blow of victory!
You have never asked much of me, hon… only that I be the one you love and love you back – that’s not a lot. I am getting there – I promise, perhaps, I already am – but I need us to clear this roadblock on my journey to you so I can cross over… Perhaps, it wouldn’t be all so hard either. I can feel the waves of love emanating from my heart wash down the mortar and loosen the bricks! Maybe, we can both make it crumble…
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I just want you to know that it might take a little bit more time for me to help you scale all your way in or for us to finally break down my walls together. And I need you to hold on, just a li’l while more! Coz…
… I see you across the hall, sitting by the window and willing me to come to you, to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, and to tell you that ‘I love you.’ No, you don’t speak the words but I read them in your eyes. Like an embossed script you have been carrying about for days, months. And I want to come to you and look out on the sunshine and the butterflies – like an inhabitant of our home – not a thief, who climbed up a rope! I need to know I deserve the sunshine with you – and for that I need to see we can brave this storm together!
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Coz to be honest, I am already chanting screams of ‘I love you…’ wait for them to reach you hon!
I love you. I do. I do love you. I really, really do.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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