I can see it clearly now.

I can see why you left.

I loved you all wrong.

I loved you with care at first, ill-convinced if these sudden rush of feelings were for real. I had been a fool in love, too many times before to be ready to bring out my motley suit and declare my permanent insanity, again.

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I loved you with uneasiness, because I was beginning to let go of caution so easily it felt like breathing. I had learnt caution from heartbreaks that had reduced my breath to shallow, ragged gasps- so, breathing freely felt new and therefore, uncertain.

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I loved you with irritation when you showed up at a time my heart was broken such that the shards pricked against my skin and bled hurt. But you poured yourself into the unsewn wounds on my flesh and that was exactly what I needed then.

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I loved you with indecision because it wasn’t just easy to fall in love with you but also to fall into you. Having learnt from my past that connections could only be real if they were hard work, I was unsure if this *feeling* that was nothing like a struggle could be love.

I loved you with confusion, because I could feel the cracks in my walls widening. My closed world was shifting so quick that I tried desperately to mend the cracks with excuses, and keep the uneasiness out. Turns out it was as easy on the other side. Easier, better.

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I loved you with sadness because I knew I was broken. I was afraid you would ask me to check in my baggage sooner or later. If I knew how, I would have, even before you’d have had the chance to ask- but you never did.

I loved you with fear because you called me perfect. You had seen my flaws, my imperfections and yet, I was perfect, to you. It felt too good to be true. Unreal, even. I was afraid to trust you, even more afraid to love you.

And yet, you loved me all the same.

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You loved me with abandon, giving me every bit you had and I loved you with impatience, wishing to turn over the leaf to a chapter where my halves would be complete again.

I was so eager to reach a place where my tumultuous feelings would settle in place that I paid no heed to what they were doing to you. I was at the threshold, so afraid to step out and so much more crippled to go back in that I kept you waiting in the sun and the rain, holding out the hand you wished for me to take. I felt myself reach out for it often enough and then, hesitate and pull back- unable to trust you or myself to love.

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Suggested read: Why none of us need the forever love…

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I wish I didn’t have to force you to meet me midway in my emotional storm- so you could help me brave the ones that would, rightfully, fall in OUR path of love. Instead, I chose to let you leave your wholesome space to meet me in mine, filled with halves. That’s when it ended.

That’s when you left.

I wondered for a long time what made you go- and today, I know.

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I loved you then and I loved you well enough to know I was justified in my feelings- because the heartbreaks left plenty justified- but I didn’t love you enough to push past my past and embrace you in the present, our present.

I stayed. I chose to love you- but I loved you with entitlement, believing that after so much heartache, I had earned you and our forever, that I had done enough. Today, I know there’s always more to do.

Today, I can love you with a consciousness that shall never ask for a tomorrow until today is lived well.

So, all I mean to do is stay and love you until we can become US.

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Because in you I have found the truth about how love doesn’t always mean forever, but neither does letting go.

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