The internet is brimming with articles which promise to help you live a healthier, more prosperous social life. Whether it’s your computer which is not working or your love life – the internet will provide you with solutions. However, there is a dearth of articles which describe how to royally screw up your life. The potential of a life which has been designed solely for the purpose of being in the rubble has not been discussed.
Here’s how you can ruin your life, the royal-way!
1. Never take the blame, always put it on the others
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If you consider yourself as the pinnacle of human evolution- and therefore capable of no mistake, then you will quickly find that you have achieved sufficient mental peace by not taking responsibility for your own actions. This is a great feeling and can only be achieved through such an exercise. Your social life will quickly turn miserable as all your friends leave you, but your awareness that you are never at fault will make you think that they didn’t deserve you in the first place and you are much better without them.
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2. Keep comparing everyone else to yourself
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Even as you successfully put yourself on a pseudo-pedestal, the next thing you have to do is compare everyone else’s life with yours. Being where you placed yourself it is unlikely you’d feel jealousy or at best, you’d mask it and begin to look down with condescension at everyone else. And there you have it- the BEST feelings in the world. Bravo! Great going!
3. Embrace the victim within you
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Now comes the time for introspection. When you look deep down within you and find that your life isn’t that great after all. You didn’t get that Audi you wanted, along with that booking at the five star restaurant. These things hurt you and you don’t deserve such a bad deal from the universe. You have to let the others around you know that you have been victimized your entire life. You have to make sure that you are the center of all attention and that everyone pities you for everything- from the trivial things to the (in)significant.
4. Never wait for anybody. Always be impatient.
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Your time is the most important thing in your life. And since you have already assumed that your life is much more important than anyone else’s, it is only logical that your time is worth more than anyone else’s time in this world. This means that if you don’t get what you want, you don’t have to wait for it. The world should move and function according to you and there is no point in waiting for something which won’t adjust to suit your all-important schedule.
5. Adopt a very narrow perspective of life
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This is the next step to living your life, when you only decide to take in opinions which align with your own biases and prejudice (needless to add, about your own self and the world as you see it). Everything else is largely unimportant. Now use this worldview in your everyday life, prove that anything which doesn’t benefit you is of no consequence and should not take up your time. Tada..you are almost halfway there!
6. Focus on the negatives of every situation
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Life is supposed to be how you want it to be if you follow these steps, but if and when things go south it is advisable that you only dwell on the negatives. You need to fixate on what went wrong and keep reminding yourself of how terrible the situation is. That will inevitably lead you to believe that your life is a joke – which is the desired effect, of course.
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7. When you talk to someone, always interrupt them to say what you think
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By this point you know that you are the more knowledgeable person in every conversation. You know better, which means that whatever the other person says is irrelevant (unless he or she is agreeing with you) and you can conveniently interrupt the other person because your opinion on the topic is much more important than what they have to say. That is truly the way to communicate.
8. Always use the same approach to a problem, even if it doesn’t work the first time
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Whenever a problem presents itself, you must know that your approach is the only one which works. Now if you fail the first time, you have to know that it isn’t because the approach is faulty because you know your methods are fool-proof. You have be to be diligent and continue the method until it works.
9. Make sure everything bothers you
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This is 2015, make sure even the slightest things that have nothing to do with you bother you. Whether it’s the noise that the fan makes or a grandma crossing the road slowly, you have to make sure that you are bothered by your surroundings. You will find all your friends to be annoying cretins whose only job in life is to bother you until you are irritated enough to stop being friends with them.
10. Make sure you control every situation
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Situations won’t always go according to your wish unless you can control them. Make sure that you try to control and modify every situation according to what suits you needs exclusively. Make sure all your efforts are directed towards that purpose and if it still doesn’t work, then look up pointer number one.
11. Have fast food as your only meals
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Fast food is delicious, no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed to have it for all your meals, right? I mean it’s fulfilling and cheap and it is almost always deep fried, or comes with delectable amounts of sugar in it. Who needs water and vegetables when you have cola and fries! Make sure you start off your day with a burger and end with an ice cream sundae, and you will be the happiest person on earth.
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12. Make sure you use the word “I” as many times as you can
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This is the most important one. As long as you begin your sentences with “I” you will realize that people will tend to listen to you. Because everyone loves egotistical people who only love talking about themselves.
That was a quick guide to making sure that you ruin your life irrevocably, and suffer through the rest of your life. If you follow these steps you will understand that life is meant to be lived like this – alone, without any friends and sitting on a pile of emptied burger boxes.
P.S. For those who didn’t get the import of the article, uh, well- go look up sarcasm. The internet will help! 😛
Featured image source: memegenerator
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