A baby ushers in so much happiness in a marriage, but it also brings in a lot of changes. And more than often, these changes result in anxiety among the parents, which can further cause depression. This form of depression that results from having a baby is called postpartum depression.
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Postpartum depression can result in the happy couple drifting apart and this is sure to strain the relationship they share. To keep the relationship on track during these difficult times, let this guide help you. Through the steps discussed in here, you will not only keep the spark in your marriage alive, but will also help each other overcome the depression.
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1. Say and show your love
After you have your baby, you will see very less of each other, in the sense, all your energies and attention will be focused on the baby. Though it is your responsibility to prioritize the baby, do make your other half feel wanted and cared for equally. Take out some time to talk to each other about the new changes, about the baby, but during the bulk of this “us time”, talk about how both of you feel. Discuss your worries and anxieties and tell the love of your life that you love them, as much as you can, because they need it more than ever right now.
2. Give your husband time to learn
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Most wives tend to get really cranky after childbirth, and yes, it is natural considering what their body goes through and all the changes that start immediately after a kid is born. Also the wife, more than often, feels very alone in her responsibilities, because the daddy is clueless about his duties.
Now instead of getting irritated and shunning him away for his incapacity, talk to him, and tell him what you expect of him exactly. More than often, they do not have a clue.
3. Fixing the relationship
According to various surveys, a child’s first ten years of school has the worst effect on the marriage of his or her parents. The seeds of this is sown immediately after a kid is born, but the fruits are reaped through the next 10 to 15 years, until the kid goes away for graduation. That brings in another change, something we will discuss in a different post.
If you do not stop these seeds of discord from being planted, then you should not expect it to bear sweet fruits. And if you think some of the seeds have already been ingrained, then it is not late yet. You can weed them out.
If you plan a little and make efforts to enrich your relationship, these very years can help you build a harmonious and beautiful marriage, something you will treasure all your life.
4. Become a team
Yes, you need to turn into a team instead of turning against each other. You both are going through changes, and changes are never easy. But if you hold hands and be each other’s support system, you can go through this with a smile, while building a stronger bond between the two of you.
Cuddle together. Make the other feel loved and appreciated. Eat one meal together, preferably the first meal. Go for drive or a jog. Do not stop visiting your friends or stunting your social life completely. These channels will act as a necessary vent.
5. Tell your partner exactly how you feel
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Do not expect them to understand because right now their brain is all worked up and tired and inept to pick signs. So put exact words to your feelings. You feel scared, tell them you are terrified. If you feel alone, then tell them just that. If you are feeling bitter and resentful, then you should tell your partner just that, instead of behaving resentful and hoping they will understand and love you more. That does not work, and we know that. It will only help in pushing them further away.
Also when you say these things, use the word “I”. Say, “I feel alone.” Or “I am bitter.” This way the partner does not feel blamed, and so will not defend himself or herself. They will connect with your emotions better and will express their own too.
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6. Take turns but do not keep score
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If you are worried that even after having a baby your husband’s paternal instincts have not arisen, worry not, it can be learnt and developed. When it comes to the nurturing and baby care roles, the only way to learn is by doing it oneself. So divide the roles and chores between the two of you, so that both of you get ample rest too. And some of the chores, you should do them together. This will help you bond.
7. Take help from family and friends
Usually we tend to look at the downside of most things in our lives. If you live in a house that roofs different generations, it can be a great advantage. Turn to your family to lend you a hand. They will be more than glad to be of help to you at this time of need.
Also, if you think you need a paid help, then you should avail the services of one. Getting a babysitter can save you some extra time, time that you can spend in relaxing and bonding with your significant other.
8. Communicate better
It is important to set the right tone if you want to improve the communication between you and your partner. When the two of you sit down to pour your heart out to each other, you need to be very clear that this should be a safe space, a space where no one will with react excessively, scream or withdraw.
You need to recognize the emotional state that your partner is in. If you need something from them, then always begin by acknowledging that you realize how tired and overworked they are. If you want to talk to them about something, then begin by saying how you know the other person had a hard day, but there is something you need to talk about.
These openers also set the right tone and help create a safe communication space where one can open up and confess their feelings without fear or guilt.
9. Express your appreciation
Though this seems a very obvious thing, it is, more than often, the most discounted. Expressing one’s gratitude towards one’s partner becomes more important when the other is suffering from postpartum depression. Here are a few words of thanks you can say to your partner:
“Thank you for being who you are. You are doing a great job. Thank you for loving me and giving your 100 per cent always. Thank you for not judging, but rather understanding. Thank you for having my back always, and I want you to know that I will always have your back too.”
Do not undervalue the power that these words carry. Use them and when you do, mean them, and you will see the magic that they can create.
10. Libido
Parents of a newborn naturally experience a low libido. The hormonal changes that the mother goes through and the recuperating process, deprives her of sleep and exhausts her. The physical changes and an increase in responsibilities takes a toll on the reproductive health of both the parents.
And so, you need to be more patient with one another. If you are the father of the kid, then it is normal to feel a little left out and also frustrated, which can drift the two of you further apart. But if you have any lovemaking expectations, then it is best you share it with your partner, instead of keeping it within you and being all bitter.
A little romance will not do any harm, but will enhance the intimacy by a million times.
Following these steps and doing tiny beautiful acts of kindness will go a long way in building a strong relationship, the kind that’s cherished for years to come.
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If you are new parents, during this time it is quite natural to want to feel negative, but you need to resist the urge. Do not say things that you do not mean, but are sure to regret for your entire life. These unpleasant unkind words can poison your love life, and take it to a dark suffocating place from where there is no turning back.
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If you think your husband or wife is going wrong somewhere, then do not complain or adopt an accusing tone. Sit them down and talk to them. Listen to their problems and suggest a solution. Offer to help. All this is very important to enjoy the bundle of joy that you both have been gifted with. This is the best time of your lives, and if you do not recognize that, this very period will ruin your relationship.
Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Your partner needs your friendship more than anything right now, won’t you be there for them?
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