12 Effective Ways To Save A Broken Relationship

by Sejal Parikh · July 14, 2015

Last week, I ran into an old friend at a restaurant. Conversations ran from one topic to another, limping and lingering on some longer than the others and one such space was the relationship realm. As she gave me details about her love life and told me how she felt she was trying everything she thought would enable her comatose relationship to breathe life again, but felt like she was running into a wall, I kept tossing the details in my head and processing them at a speed that’d put the world’s fastest processors to shame.

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Now you must know, she has always been rather skittish and therefore, it had been kind of difficult for me to voice everything I thought would be the ‘right’ thing to do. And that had always resulted in a kind of frustration stemming from being unheard – but as I sat there with her at a corner table, sipping on a Virgin Mary, ten years away from school – I know it was so NOT her fault. I was the one who didn’t ask for what I needed – so we had kind of hooked into a rather icky pattern of me being hurt and disappointed of expectations never met (as they were never communicated) and she, on the other hand, sensing something amiss and feeling terrible for letting me down. The same was true of her broken relationship, whose puzzling pieces I was putting together in my mind – so this time, years later, I could tell her exactly what the ‘right’ to-do thing was!

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Broken relationships are all alike, in a way – they always feel like an impossible situation to fix – as they owe their existence to accumulated sorrows or a significant crisis or both (each independent, or not so). My friend, too, was grappling under the torturous weight of a broken relationship. She had depleted her patience, energy, and efforts, and their dangerously low levels were taking a toll on the bruised, defeated relationship. Desperate for direction and good counsel (and I am sure I hadn’t earned that reputation with ‘her’ in school), she actually trusted me when her moist eyes begged for an answer to the question, how to fix a broken relationship?

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As such, I braced myself to the most effective answer to a question that haunts countless couples round the globe – how to fix a broken relationship? I spent the next few hours telling her how her injury is compounded by the remorse her partner must be feeling and how both of them, while building their relationship, have also built conflicts that were never resolved and are therefore, eating away at their bond like cancer. This has resulted in a hopeless battle wherein they cannot hear each other’s grievances over the din of their own pain. A tear escaped the corner of her eye as she realized that she had, indeed, been focusing on how hurt she felt when she saw him frustrated!

And then followed an exploration of all that one needed to do as reply to the eternal question – how to fix a broken relationship:

1. Take some alone time and tap into your own self

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I have always believed that the heart knows what it wants best. In a broken relationship, partners tend to straddle between the choice to take some time off, reformulate the relationship, or simply give up. Yet, nestled in the daily onrush of powerful emotions like hurt, hostility, resentment, remorse, guilt, injustice or even the need to justify the pain, you cannot brace yourself for regeneration nor be brave enough to call it quits. Alone time would allow your inner pilot to show you just the path you need to choose. Take that time and hear the muffled voice of your heart.

2. Initiate dialogue

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This step does not require as much moxie for a broken relationship as a relationship wherein one partner is shamming happiness in an attempt to sweep unpleasant conditions below the rug and refusing to confront it. Even so, the discussion can quickly flare into a dragon fight with burst of flames sending partners crashing against the wall. Do NOT do it. Refrain from blame-games, shaming, guilt-trips, criticism or judgment. Simply pour out *your* feelings without any of the above deadly sins of discussion. For if you give in to them from the get-go, you aren’t likely to go very far.

3. But establish safety first

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Which is why, it is important that you establish that you aren’t there to fight. You wish to resuscitate your fainting relationship, and CPR is the way to go. Simply prove to your loved one that you are committed to saving the relationship and are there to talk. This shall help evade any ‘fight-or-flight’ responses and pave the path for an effectual discussion.

4. Own the sh*t

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Unless you stop playing the victim and own to your half in causing the meltdown, the discussion will never be healthy. When both of you are willing to own your own part in the dysfunction, you’ll find an opening, a place for negotiation, an opportunity for change, and a haven for healing. This will help diffuse some of the resentment, disappointment, or anger you may both feel.

5. Spell out the intention and expectation clearly

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Vulnerability isn’t as evil as it is made out to be. In fact, it is an angel that shall guide you to bliss. Be open about what grips you with fear, insecurity or vexes you and establish how you wish things would be like. If you keep things from your partner, you will never be able to co-create what you want. Granted, all of us have our own unique nature that, sometimes, makes it difficult to open up, but here’s your chance. It is now or never. Extricate your intentions and expectations from the messy bundle – or else the relationship will be murdered in the mess it is now!

6. Weave in gratitude

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This can get quite challenging when the tyres of your relationship vehicle have gone flat. But steer your vehicle away from resentment, unmet expectations, disappointments, frustrations, anger, or feelings of betrayal and begin to act out on your intentions that you spelt out so as to meet the expectations both of you have of each other. Value the efforts and cherish all the moments that are being spent into making your bond stronger. When you lead from gratitude, the broken pieces will start getting taped back together.

7. Now sift through the positives and negatives

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Now that you are in the execution stage of your plan to fix your broken relationship, assess what is working and what isn’t. If there are things that need modification or call for a change in PoA, do them.

8. Confess what isn’t working

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For an unbiased and effective assessment of the pros and cons of your new PoA to put your relationship back on its way to healing, you’d have to be brutally honest about what is working and more importantly, what isn’t. If you refrain from fessin’ it up, you shall, before you know it, be back where you started. After all, it all starts with accumulated negativity, right!

9. Come up with solutions, together

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Once you lay your cards on the table, find what you can do to alter the rules and make for better play. Of course, your love isn’t a game but you need to negotiate ‘rules’ that work, no matter who’s dealing. As such, you should work out plausible solutions for everything that didn’t work in the new plan and ensure that the solutions resonate with both of you.

10. Be ‘present’ even in absence

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If one of you feels that you need a break from the whole negotiation process or step back from the heat of things for a bit, ensure that you reassure your partner that the step isn’t a rejection or abandonment. Make sure that your retreat does not trigger any negative feelings, and most of all, does not make your partner feel he/she’s fighting the battle alone.

11. Avoid the heady dope of power

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One of the most important things that you need to remember throughout the process is that you need to refrain from giving in to the urge to control all ‘aspects’ of the fixing process. You are a team, and thus, should ensure an even distribution of power.

12. Live as per the rewritten rules

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You may keep revisiting the conversation about what is making it better and what should be lopped right off – but do not forget to LIVE YOUR LOVE, whilst being occupied in the tedious and daunting challenge of fixing your broken relationship. After all, keeping your love alive amidst all the challenges is what shall birth those giddy feelings of hope and potential. Keep at it.

Fixing a broken relationship does not come easy, but if you and your partner both want it to work, then you should just set about the above journey to mend your broken relationship. Towards the end of it all, it’d be time to celebrate!

Yes, yes, you are welcome!