I have seen my fair share of relationships, and I can safely say that doing relationships is not an easy thing. Up until very recently, I honestly believe that I had a special ability to drive men away, and my weirdness was too much for anyone to handle. This is when I learnt about a phenomenon called blowing hot and cold in relationships where one moment a person seems to be very attached to you, and the next they are as distant as a stranger would be.
Suggested read: 8 Puerile Things Couples Fight About Even In Mature Relationships
Is there a particular reason for people blowing hot and cold in relationships? Is there anything you can do about it, when you are at the receiving end of this kind of behavior? How do you deal with the person and yourself when you are being subjected to this kind of emotional torture? We are going to be learning about all this and much more in today’s article.
How Do You Know When They Are Blowing Hot And Cold?
A relationship comes with certain expectations. It’s true that not every relationship is the same, and some people value their personal space more than others, but there are some things which qualify as red flags in a relationship that you have to be wary off.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
Here are a few examples that should give you fair warning of the situation.
- They get excited to share news about their life with you, and gives you a cold shoulder when it is time for you to share your news
- They talk to you for hours on text one day, and doesn’t reply for days at other times
- Excuses for not being as present as they used to be before is an ever increasing occurrence
- You have started to feel guilty for “disturbing” them
- While previously, they actively pursued you, you have become the one doing the pursuing
- They don’t seem to care for your problems and you feel dismissed
- He makes plans with you and cancels them last minute
These are all signs that your partner has started giving you the cold shoulder. Far from forgiving or indulge in it, you need to understand the cause of the problem, and find a way to solve it. This is if you care enough about the person to actually work on fixing a relationship with them.
However, if you aren’t as emotionally invested in a relationship, then I would suggest that you leave them now. Block them out of your life and forget about their existence, because unless you are in love with each other in every way possible, there is no point trying to find a solution to this kind of toxicity. People like this seldom change, unless it is for a very good reason, and if you don’t love each other, then you might not be reason enough, so run.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
If you are however, willing to find a solution to this problem and care about the person who is doing this to you, then we need to learn a little more about the problem, and the things you can do to deal with it.
Why Do People Blow Hot And Cold In Relationships?
The first step is to understand why people behave this way. When you are in a relationship with someone, you don’t expect them to behave nicely on one day, and rudely on the next. You expect some kind of consistency, because after all, you have committed to each other. So what is it that compels people to behave in this bipolar manner with the people they apparently like enough to date? Here are a few possible explanations.
- Insecurity
Insecurity is a common cause for people to give someone else the cold shoulder. People are emotional beings, and sometimes, they might not understand their self worth, which is why they conduct psychological experiments on others to gain some insight into themselves.
Your partner might be feeling insecure or scared of the expectations that you have from them, or they might even do this out of a sense of inferiority, where they feel like they will lose you to someone else.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
- Underlying issues
People often act out when they have certain unresolved psychological issues. Childhood trauma, abuse, abandonment; these are only few of the many things that impact people’s lives permanently. Due to this, they have behavioral problems when they are older, including things like blowing hot and cold when they are involved romantically with someone later in life.
Suggested read: 10 Intelligent Ways To Ensure All Your Fights Lead To A More Healthy Relationship
- Emotional unavailability
Sometimes people erratically when they are emotionally unavailable. I have seen quite a number of emotionally unavailable people, who have gotten into a relationship thinking they are ready for commitment, but in reality, they are not. They don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves openly. Neither do they trust anyone else with the kind of information one should, when they are in a happy relationship.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
- Thrill of the chase
Some people behave hot and cold in a relationship just because they are egomaniacs. They like to feel important, and pursuing someone gives them an adrenaline rush. If this is the case, then it is important for you to know that they weren’t emotionally invested from the start. They saw you as a conquest, and once that bridge was crossed, they didn’t feel the need to keep up with the pretence.
- They have lost interest
One difficult truth to digest would be my next reason why people behave this way in relationships. Sometimes, it just so happens that you fall out of love with someone, or they simply lose interest in you. The moment they don’t feel invested in something, they don’t feel obligated to behave a certain way, or rather, the way they used to when they were dedicated to the cause that was your relationship.
Suggested read: 8 Most Common Relationship Fights Couples Have And How To Deal With Them
- Pushing the limits
People can also act intimate in one moment and distant the next if they are trying to see how much the other person cares for them. This is a very screwed up way of measuring reciprocation of feelings, but it something people do nonetheless. They act distant to see whether you still care for them when they are at their worst, and then they act intimate again to see something else.
Dealing with something like this can be very difficult. If you don’t know what to do if you are being subjected to this by your partner, then here are a few things that might help you rekindle a normal, healthy, happy relationship.
- Confront them
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
The first and foremost thing that you should do when you are faced with a situation like this, is confront your partner. They will probably dismiss you at first, but wait till they behave erratically again and then you can point it out to them then and there that their behavior is off.
Talking candidly is something that is so underrated in relationships that problems persist simply because people don’t talk to each other. Talking with your partner about their behavior is going to work wonders for you as an individual and also for you as a couple as well.
- Stop reacting to their behavior
If you are not the confrontation types (God knows I am not) then you can try another way to handle this situation. You can not react to their behavior. If you are here, then you know what they are doing. When you see them behaving erratically, then you just need to stop being reactive. Don’t have outbursts, don’t get upset, and on the other hand, don’t feel grateful or ecstatic when they do give you attention. Hopefully this will allow your partner to realize that something is wrong and then you can have the conversation.
- Give them space
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
Blowing hot and cold in relationships more often than not means that your partner has started to take your presence in their lives for granted. Your partner has simply assumed that no matter how they behave with you, you are going to stick around. Whether this is true or not, it is never a healthy thinhg to think about.
Give them a little space to realize your role in their lives, which will also force them to evaluate their behavior towards you. When they behave erratically, your natural reaction is to cling on even harder. However, if you want to deal with this the right way, you should do the exact opposite and see whether your partner realizes that they have been messing up.
A relationship is no cake-walk. Of the many challenges that couples have to face together, this is also a test of love, which sees whether you are meant to stick it out or not. However, no matter how much you love your partner and want to fix things, a red flag is a red flag, so unless you see some real chance of survival, do not entertain this kind of behavior.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
Facebook
Disqus
Google + 
