One of the most difficult feelings in the world is coming to terms with the fact that your partner is cheating on you, and you have no idea on how to confront a cheater. You don’t know who you should share this information with. You have no idea what to tell them, in order to get them to confess. In fact, most of the time people don’t know what they want themselves, when they find out that their partners are cheating on them.
The very first step is to keep your eyes open and see whether your partner is displaying some of the conventional and common signs of infidelity. If your partner goes out for long periods of time, or comes back home late and is not able to give believable or concrete information about their whereabouts. They may get over-possessive over their phone. You might even notice a palpable and gaping distance between the two of you, even though your partner does not seem very perturbed by it. After you have gathered your evidence, you need to confront them, because going on living a lie and pretending that everything is okay, is possibly the worst way in which you can handle the situation.
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Here are 12 steps you need to follow to confront a cheater in the most effective way, for the both of you.
1. Gather evidence or proof
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Gathering proof or evidence of your partner’s wrongdoing is one of the most vital steps that you need to take before you can actually go confront them. Sometimes it so happens that someone thinks their spouse is cheating on them and then a hasty confrontation leads to an altercation, which in turn leads to the unwarranted demise of trust and faith in the relationship. This is because they find out that their partner was not actually cheating on them. If you are convinced that you are being cheated on, then make sure that you catch a cheater in the act before confronting one. Also, confronting them without evidence will put them on their guard and they will become careful from then onwards, and keep their secrets more efficiently, making it more difficult for you.
2. Confront your partner when you both have time to talk
The worst time when you can confront a partner is when you are about to go out somewhere, or in the morning when they might be leaving for work or when you are expecting friends or something of the sort. You want to talk it out with your partner, when both of you have time to do so properly, without having to leave the conversation mid-way. Also, this might allow your partner to escape and think of an excuse or an alibi while they are away, so that when you confront them later, they are able to give a better story.
3. Know exactly what you want before you confront them
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Most marriage and relationship counselors, before asking anything else of people who have come with problems, ask them what they want. Knowing exactly what you want of the confrontation with your partner is of prime importance. You need to know things like whether you are willing to give your partner a chance, or the relationship a shot, or whether this is the end of your trust and patience for them. That way, you will know which way you want the conversation to go. If you get confused, then the anger, frustration, pathos, and confusion will add to the trauma you feel during and after the confrontation.
4. Prepare yourself for all sorts of retorts and mainly, denial
Some of the basic rules on how to confront a cheater depend on you and not your unfaithful partner. If you want to ensure that the exercise is not futile, then you have to mentally prepare yourself for some of the things that your partner is bound to do when they are caught, or they are being questioned. The most likely reaction to your questions and allegations is denial. The first thing they are going to do is deny cheating at all, but you already have your evidence to back you up, so it is important to not be deterred by their insistence. They may even try to storm out in anger, throw things around, scream, etc., but this is because they have been cornered and caught red handed.
5. Do not let them counter-question you and shift the blame
A conventional characteristic of an unfaithful partner is the loss of rational thinking and integrity. When you are confronting a cheater, they might try their hardest to tell you that they are not in the wrong. In fact, they may even try to shift the blame on you by saying things like, “You don’t trust me,” or “Why would you snoop on me?” They may even try to employ reverse-psychology by asking things like, “What could have compelled me to do this?” “Don’t you think it’s your fault this happened?” In times like this, you are emotionally fragile and volatile, and such questions may easily mislead you. In order to effectively confront a cheater, you have to hold your own and stand your ground without succumbing to such accusations and mind games.
6. Do not get emotional and reveal that you were snooping
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This is one of the ways in which your partner might try to corner you, and you, being under so much pressure to confront someone you love, might yield and the whole blame game might shift. The one thing that you must never admit to is the fact that you were indeed snooping on them. Even if it is obvious that you were, try not to reveal your source to them, whether it was their cell phones, their friends, a private investigator, whatever. This might put them on their guard should they attempt to do something similar in the future.
Suggested read: Emotional infidelity – worse than a physical affair?
7. Keep your cool when you are confronting your partner
This leads me to my next point, which is staying calm during the process. The things that you tell each other when you are confronting may lead to an ugly climax where one of you ends up crying or throwing things or walking out. None of these things are conducive to your purpose; hence it is of grave importance to remain calm, even through these trying times. If you break down, or get overly emotional, they might get an excuse to walk out and cook up a legit story to make you believe in their supposed innocence. Even if they are blaming you, instead of flaring up, show them the evidence of their wrongdoing, notwithstanding what they have to say against you.
8. Give your partner a chance to explain themselves, without getting carried away
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I know this is asking too much, especially when you have caught them breaking your trust. But no one cheats on someone they love without good reason. The blame might be either of yours, or both of yours, and it is important to find out what compelled them to engage in such infidelity in the first place. You have to give them a chance to explain themselves, and most people are unable to think up a story when put in a spot, so it is likely that they are going to tell you the truth, and you also show that you are all for fair play. However, it is also wrong of you to get carried away with your emotions when such things happen. You have to show them that they broke your faith and your trust, no matter what their reason.
9. Try a positive approach which addresses the problem directly
The most common way people go about confrontations is by fighting, arguing, getting aggressive, and all that is understandable. However, such methods yield the least favorable results, instead make matters worse. One of the ways in which you can learn how to confront a cheater is taking a positive stance. Instead of telling them that they are horrible, try telling them that you love them and that you are genuinely devastated at their actions. Tell them how you feel, in all honesty, about what has happened and also tell them that you are willing to address the problem and solve it if necessary. This way, you are likely to extract the truth without hostility or animosity.
10. Show your partner that you are more devastated than angry
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Even your body language should tell your partner that you feel more betrayed by their actions rather than angry or hostile, because no matter how pissed off you are, you are essentially broken because of their actions. Remind them why you used to love each other, and what could possibly have gone wrong to trigger such actions. This gives you the upper hand in the conversation (because you trigger their guilty conscience) without using brute force and aggression.
11. Keep the incident as quiet and private as possible
This is the perfect excuse to meet up with your friends and your family, and then share your plight and release the burden in your heart. However, it is best to keep the story of your partner’s infidelity private, before you have sorted it out with them yourself. You never know how your confrontation might conclude, so it is best to keep it as private as possible, until you have reached a concrete decision. This way, you won’t have to explain or re-explain anything to anyone after you have talked it out with your partner.
Suggested read: 9 traits all men who cheat have in common
12. Do not assume that this is the end of your relationship
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A lot of people think that cheating is the death knell for any relationship, and after one of the partners have been caught cheating, there is no hope left for a reconciliation. However, that is not the case. Most of the time, like I said before, the reason for infidelity is something lacking on the part of your relationship with your spouse or your partner. If this central problem can be addressed, then you can always give your relationship another shot, with renewed effort and energy.
If you are willing to mend things in your relationship, then you need to know the right way on how to confront a cheater. If you are aggressive and accusing, then they will become more distant and defensive, which will not help you in any way. You need to adopt a carefully calculated approach, so that both you and your partner can emerge from this mess with some closure.
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