“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” ― Ellen Goodman
Forgiveness in marriage. When we see those words, we invariably assume that one of the two people involved in the marriage must have had an affair, and the writer is defending the cheat.
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No, hell no. This is not one of those pieces, my friend. I, of all people, will never stand up for someone who has broken his closest person’s trust. Even if you are the best person in the world, and your partner is just the worst kind of human on this planet; even if your marriage is an unhappy one; even if your partner himself/herself is an adulterer; no matter what, CHEATING CAN NEVER BE JUSTIFIED. NEVER.
Suggested read: To cheat or not to cheat? Has cheating become the ‘New Normal’?
Even if one/all those conditions are true for you, you should end the marriage first. Get a divorce. Then do whatever you want. Do not break your own vow because then can you trust yourself?!
Anyway, I can go on and on about that, but this is not the space. Today, I want to talk to you about how important forgiveness is in a marriage. Forgiving on a daily basis. Forgiving your partner. Forgiving yourself.
Forgiveness is a positive response
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Remember this: Forgiveness is a choice. Yes, it is your choice whether you want to give it or not. Understanding this is very important before we start. Forgive to heal yourself and your marriage, but if you don’t want to, then do not give your forgiveness reluctantly, because it will not do any good.
It is a gift you can give your marriage, but if you think it does not deserve it, then don’t.
Why forgiveness is essential?
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
As a marriage grows older, the people involved hurt each other, knowingly or unknowingly. The stock pile of these repeated hurts have the power to destroy your relationship.
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To understand how bitterness grows with time, read what Sabrina Beasley McDonald has to say.
“For nearly two centuries, Beethoven’s death was a mystery. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His dying wish was that his illness would be discovered so that “the world may be reconciled to me after my death.
In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven’s end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer—lead poisoning.
More than likely, it was a little poison in everyday activities that took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead lined cups or having dinner on a lead lined plate—both common household items in that day. Or perhaps it came from eating contaminated fish or even the extensive consumption of wine. It didn’t come in one lump sum, but the lead killed him slowly and quietly—one little bit of poison at a time.
That’s also how bitterness destroys a marriage. It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It’s a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.”
And so a marriage needs forgiveness. Like all close relationships, it needs forgiveness to thrive. We say things we don’t mean, though we deny this when we are the hurt ones. But holding on to the hurt will do no good, that is for sure.
Not harboring a grudge, now that is way easier said than done. Forgiveness is difficult. You need to embrace your vulnerability to let go of the anger first and then the hurt. Sometimes it is tougher to forgive your partner when the process of forgiveness involves you ruminating on how you may have partly caused the problem. Yes, you read that right.
We are not always totally in the right, though in an argument it is very difficult to accept that. You need to look at both the sides of a quarrel if you want to forgive.
Moreover, forgiveness is not only essential to maintain a harmonious marriage, but it is also necessary if you want to be kind to your own self. Ego and anger can affect your relationships and it can affect you. Stop being defensive, though that will be your first response when someone attacks you or your ideas. Talk it out and always end your arguments with this thought: “I may not agree with you and you may not agree with me. But we have had a healthy argument and that has brought us closer to each other.”
Suggested read: How gratitude and forgiveness can enhance relationship satisfaction
Forgiveness only happens when you empathize
“A heart filled with anger has no room for love.” ― Joan Lunden, Wake-Up Calls: Making The Most Out Of Every Day
Understand your partner. Whenever you feel hurt by something they say or do, communicate it to them. With words. They may not even know what they are doing is not being liked by you, and if they don’t understand that, then how do you expect them to pick up signs?!
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Explain to them what it is that upset you. Also tell them why it upset you.
When you have these talks, do not get accusatory. Instead of saying, “You did this” or “You never do this”, use phrases like, “I would like it if” or “I think”. This will ease them into the conversation. If you get snappish, then expect them to get defensive. Yes, it works both ways.
Also, these conversations should not be a one-way flow of information. Once you have done talking, your partner should be allowed to talk. And when they do hear them out. Completely. Because listening is key to understanding, and understanding to empathy.
How to familiarize forgiveness into your marriage
The ability to forgive has to be nurtured. You need to build it one day at a time. Start by discarding the trivial things. Things said during petty arguments have to be allowed to go. If you don’t, then expect them to ruin your marriage over time.
I am not asking you to let your partner make the same mistakes over and over again. Because that just proves they are not sorry, and don’t deserve forgiveness.
What I am saying is, once you let them know what is upsetting you about them, and if they change course, then you have to stop dwelling in the past, and bringing this up every time you have a quarrel.
When your partner seeks your forgiveness, you will know in that moment whether they are genuinely sorry or not and whether they are willing to make amends. And if they are, then they deserve to be forgiven.
Things for which you must not forgive your partner
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Let me make it clear here that there are a few mistakes that are unforgivable. Like if your spouse abuses you, physically, mentally and/or emotionally, then there can be no forgiveness.
If your partner shows no efforts to make amends after you have pardoned them, even then you cannot go on forgiving, because your forgiveness means nothing to them.
In situations such as these, you need to question your marriage, and you will know whether your ability to forgive has exhausted or not; if you think you have had enough, then that’s your mind giving you a sign that yes, you have had enough.
Suggested read: The complete guide on How to deal with betrayal in relationships
Questions to discuss and things to do to develop forgiveness in marriage
Ask yourself how forgiving are you really. How forgiving is your partner? Ask them to rate you and then themselves. Discuss the score with each other. Remember the key is to be honest or else this whole exercise is going to be fruitless.
When faced with a situation where your two options are to forgive or to blame, imagine the outcome of each. When you think it through, you will traverse your first instinct to accuse.
Now, here is one more thing I need you to consider: How do you expect your partner to behave/respond when you fail at something? Consider this.
After you have talked about and analyzed all this, you and your partner need to create a personal action step that you need to refer every now and again to remind yourself of why forgiveness in marriage is important.
Was this helpful? Do you have concerns that we may not have covered in this post? Let us know in the comments.
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Love and be loved.
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