I wasn’t Rachel Green in high school, neither was I a Monica Geller! I was just an average-looking, timid little girl. Not popular at all. I would be surprised if my class teacher even remembered my name! So, as I graduated from high school and entered college, I was overwhelmed. Suddenly, there were so many boys; I didn’t know how to deal with them. Most conversations ended with me feeling awkward or me saying something totally random. That was in the beginning though; soon, I mastered the art of conversation and mustered the courage to speak to boys. Now, I had crushes, I could talk to guys without wanting to go home and stab my eye!
Soon, the chase began. I was a different person, had many crushes and often found myself falling in and out of love. Love? What was that? For me, it was that feeling that brought joy and made my heart race at the thought or sight of someone.
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There were boys everywhere. Some were nice, some others were desirable because they weren’t nice! Even before I knew it, I had begun to develop certain feelings that some call love. But what it really was was mere attraction and infatuation. A cute face would draw my attention and then after hanging out with him, I would realize he wasn’t that cute after all.
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Right then, I met a guy from the same college! A complete idiot, but an idiot you would fall hard for. He was way too much fun when he was around, with never a dull moment in his company. It’s like he read and memorized a book full of jokes every morning after he brushed his teeth. He could make me laugh till my sides hurt, and needless to say, he was the heart of every party. This time I fell in love; I knew he and I were meant to be. We spent hours in each other’s company, doing completely nonsensical things. Things that never mattered in real life, things that only brought joy, things that were really silly. I enjoyed his company and assumed he enjoyed being with me too.
Days turned into months, but he never asked me out. I waited patiently, because I wasn’t one of those to make the first move. I dropped a lot of hints and did everything that would ideally make a guy fall in love with a girl. But not him. To him, I was great company, someone who laughed at all his jokes, and also his sidekick! But his inability to make up his mind made me want him all the more. Now, I was obsessing about him. One fine day, I confronted him when I couldn’t bear it anymore. I wanted more from our silly relationship.
But he was perplexed.
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“But, why do you want to define this relationship. Isn’t it fun this way?” he asked.
By now, we had graduated from college and seeing that he made no progress whatsoever in “defining” our relationship, I moved on, a little heart broken. I fell out of love with him. He wasn’t serious about anything, I figured. He joined a company and quit quickly. He had a hard time doing anything that was remotely stable. So, yeah, I thought to myself that it was for the best, and moved on. But a part of me still loved him for all those great memories we shared. We kept in touch, but I was now dating other guys.
Real men. The only problem was that, I had no real feelings for them.
It was only the chase that gave me an adrenaline rush. Something that I needed to deal with my stressful job as a lawyer. So each time I was being wooed, I’d act pricey, enjoy it, and bask in the glory. But once the guy spoke of commitment, I would fall out of love with him. So this continued for a long time. I enjoyed every minute of the process when it was alien to me, but once I realized I had him, it was over for me. Like a kid with a new toy, I would get bored too easily and nothing sustained beyond two months.
Then something else happened.
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I met a man who was different from the flock. Or so I thought. Soon sparks flew and before I knew it, I fell in love – again. This time a little too soon, but it felt right. He was just perfect. The ultimate package – that’s what my friends used to call him. He was what an ideal boyfriend should be. He was classy, chivalrous, and witty. He read me like a book and I was happy. I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt him, and he sure was different. I stuck to my word and he continued being the same guy. Nothing changed and I didn’t want it to either. We dated each other for a few years. This was my first stable relationship in years. It was perfect and we decided to get married.
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Amongst the many invitations I posted, I posted one to the person who once broke my heart. I wasn’t surprised when an unknown number called my cellphone. A familiar voice. A little giggle and here he was. He called to congratulate me. It felt strange, like meeting an old charming enemy. He expressed his joy and suggested we meet, it had been really long and he was visiting my city the next week. I obliged.
Like a silly teenager, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and our little phone conversation. I was reminded of the time in college. The days we spent doing nothing! But it was those simple joys that made college life fun. Things were different now. I hardly had any time to do nothing. My calendar would be booked for months in advance to the point where I had to plan my pee breaks too!
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I ransacked my wardrobe to pick a perfect dress for the next day, the day I would meet him. When dawn broke, I was up way too early, very excited. It had been years since I last saw him and something about him stirred me in a very strange way. I can’t say for sure it was love, nor was it hatred. But, I had to go to meet him. We met at a pretty fancy restaurant for lunch. He hadn’t changed much. The years I hadn’t seen him had made him age with grace. When we hugged, he smelt incredibly nice. He complimented me and I couldn’t stop blushing. He inquired about my fiancé and I was curious to know what he was up to in life. He hadn’t made any progress in his career or hadn’t achieved anything mighty. He was still the same, cracked me up with some hilarious one-liners, and yet left me with a very unsettling feeling.
After we were done, he escorted me to my car and opened the door for me. Just then, something went wrong and I did something I shouldn’t have. I kissed him and he didn’t stop either. It felt right, yet was wrong because now I had betrayed my fiancé.
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I fell in love again. Again, with him.
It was over eons ago, but perhaps I was yearning for this moment. For his love. Something that was unattainable some time back. Now I had it. I knew he loved me now. We didn’t say another word, and I sat in my car and drove away.
It was crazy, because I was falling in and out of love even now, even after all these years. Now, when I was only two months away from my wedding. I couldn’t do this to my fiancé and wanted to go back and confess to him about whatever happened this afternoon.
But, on the other hand, the sight of the guy I had loved back in college made me weak. I drove to my office and locked my door. I tried to take deep breaths, but the tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what this was. I reached out to my phone and saw that he had called me twice.
I dialed his number, it barely rang once and he had already answered.
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“Look, I’m sorry if I hurt you. But I think I’m in love with you,” the familiar voice said.
I hadn’t said a word, so he continued, “Do you really love him? I’ve been an idiot all my life but seeing you today and imagining you becoming someone else’s wife is beyond me.”
“You waited all these years to tell me this now? You thought you could come NOW and tell me these things and I would change my mind?” I asked.
“I don’t know, things were different back then, I was clueless and stupid. I feel bad now. I think I love you.” he said.
Without saying another word, I hung up.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to that. He called again, but I switched off my phone. I grabbed my keys and walked out again. This time, I drove faster. I couldn’t contain myself. I wasn’t confused but this afternoon had got me thinking.
Why was I falling in and out of love?
I had waited a long time for him and he hadn’t responded. So why NOW?
Should I dump my fiancé for someone who had been clueless about me for a very long time but realized it NOW, that I was meant for him?
Above all, I felt ridiculous for kissing him. That was a mistake.
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As soon as I arrived at my destination. I wiped my tears, dabbed my face with some powder, and got out of the car. As I entered the building, I saw him from a distance. He was on a call. His face was calm and mature. I knocked on his door and saw him smile brightly. I hugged him tight and said, “I love you.”
“How was lunch?” he asked.
“T’was good, was nice to see him again,” I replied.
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For the next few minutes, I stared into his eyes as he spoke of the arrangements he had made for our big day. He loved me and I loved him too. I realized, I wouldn’t, no, I couldn’t, let anyone or anything come in between this relationship we shared.
My phone occasionally flashed the familiar number and I chose not to answer it. I fell out of love with him long ago and that was the truth. He had to accept it.
In two months’ time, everything went as per plan, and I was married. I never saw him again.
It was for the best.
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