The nature of relationships in today’s dynamic world is ever changing and complicated. Relationships cannot simply be classified into black and white categories, which is why various grey areas emerge, which are more emotionally difficult to understand. A love hate relationship is a volatile relationship which has its own set of issues and complications. It is a highly misunderstood and misinterpreted institution, which leads to further problems in handling it.
Even though this kind of a relationship is primarily destructive, it is not uncommon to see several young people engage in such relationships. This is because a love hate relationship can be thrilling and exciting and make your chemistry more volatile, which gives you an emotional adrenaline rush. However, there is a flip-side to this exciting prospect, which is rife with problems and risks, which have to be addressed. Here is everything you need to know about love hate relationships.
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What is a love hate relationship?
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Before we can dissect what it means to be in such a relationship and how to deal with it, it is important to understand the extent of this relationship and what it entails. Every single relationship on earth has its ups and downs. There are no two people in the world who are together and do not fight every now and then. However, love hate relationships are far from a normal relationship.
In the latter kind of relationship, two people who are completely incompatible stay together, and experience extreme moments of emotional upheaval. There is no balance between the love and the hate they feel for each other, because they exist in equal proportion.
Two people who enjoy and encourage this sort of a connection tend to bring out the worst in each other, because of the extremities in emotion that they feel. The fights they get into aren’t normal moments of heated argument or disagreement. Arguments in a love hate relationship might even culminate in violence. However, it is also normal to experience moments of complete, unadulterated passion and love for your partner.
Engaging in a complicated relationship like this does not reflect badly on your character. However, it does expose you to certain dangers and emotional vulnerability, and may even make you an erratic, out-of-control individual.
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Love hate relationships can essentially be of two types. The first kind is when you love the relationship that you and your partner are in, but you are not fond of your partner. This means that it is the relationship, and the way it makes you feel which is more important than the person you are in a relationship with. The prospect of being alone and single is likely more daunting to you than losing the person you are in a relationship with. The second kind is when you are completely in love with your partner, but your relationship brings out the worst in you because you hate it and you have nothing in common which you can bond over, making it a pointless waste of time.
These also pave the way for the various causes of such a relationship to develop.
What is the cause for love hate relationships?
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A love hate relationship can develop because of various reasons. Sometimes, addressing the root or the cause of the peculiar nature of your relationship can lead to the solution of many problems, which is why it is important to understand all the various reasons why it is caused.
- Varying degrees of commitment: A love hate relationship might develop because of two people who differ in their degree of commitment towards each other, where one partner is more serious than the other about your future.
- Clashing personalities: This arises out of an inability to compromise because you both have strong personalities, which are constantly in conflict with each other, where neither is willing to step down for the benefit of the other.
- Clashing egos: Ego is another potent reason for the development of love hate relationships. The pride and ego of one may easily offend the other, and vice versa, which leads to a deadlock.
- Insecurities: Insecurity and jealousy arise out of a complete lack of trust. If one partner suspects the other of cheating, or even of liking other people, insecurities can develop whereby they can’t leave their partner, neither can they stay together peacefully.
- A unbalanced status quo: Hierarchies can exist even in the closest of relationships, where one partner feels inferior because of the domination of the other, and vice versa. This too can lead to extreme love and extreme resentment.
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The dangers of being in a relationship like this
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There is no denying that there is a certain amount of thrill in being in a relationship like this. Even though the fights leave you breathless, so does the love that you feel for each other (or your relationship) at times; it is also true, that this kind of a mutually destructive relationship is taxing emotionally as well as physically. It is important to examine the effects and dangers of being in a relationship like this.
- Emotional abuse: A love hate relationship vacillates between extreme love and then absolute hate. It is natural that one would feel emotionally exploited by being in a relationship like this. One partner may constantly demean or put down the other person, and compensate for it with flowers or presents or other things. This leads to a state of confusion, hurt, anger, and mental disturbance in general.
- Physical abuse: There is no limit to the hate that can be felt by couples who are engaged in a love hate relationship. Sometimes, this hate can culminate in actual physical violence, where you end up hitting each other in frustration. However, it is immediately succeeded by a volley of apologies and promises of never being repeated, which is meaningless, because physical violence, once started, becomes a common occurrence.
- Isolation from others: When you are in a volatile relationship like this, you are constantly trying to either please the other person, or aggravate them by being defiant. This sort of behavior makes the other people in your life uncomfortable when they are around you. They may also feel shifty when one partner does not like the people in the other person’s life, making visible physical gestures like slamming doors or yelling to make their displeasure evident.
- Stagnancy in life: It is very important to be dynamic in life regarding all things, whether it is your relationship or your career. In a love hate relationship, it usually happens that one partner is more controlling than the other, or there are two people fighting for dominance in the relationship. In this case, ego clashes and manipulation and excessive control can lead to a deadlock when it comes to moving forward, because neither of the two people is able to reach a consensus or compromise regarding certain life decisions.
Is there a future in this kind of relationship?
The problem that most couples face when they are engaged in a love hate relationship is that they are unable to break up because of the intense love they feel. However, they are also unable to commit fully because of the constant low points which keep recurring during the course of the relationship.
When a love hate relationship is left as it is, it only gets worse over time, and along with hate, things like resentment, regret, and violence become a common factor. If two such people do decide to stay together, it may lead to domestic violence and even have a negative effect on children, if kids are involved in the equation. It is an emotionally debilitating process, which is not completely unsalvageable. However, if left unattended, it becomes a source of great distress in life.
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How to deal with a relationship like this
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Like I said, a relationship like this is can be salvaged if dealt with correctly, and in the right time. You might want to take positive steps towards making your relationship more stable if you truly love your partner, and it is things like ego clashes and stubbornness which are making you so miserable. Here are some of the things you can do to make the situation better.
- Find the root of the problem: Oftentimes, it so happens that after arguing for a long time, the actual cause of the disagreement ceases to matter, and winning the argument takes precedence. To make the situation better, it is important to control oneself and not retaliate in order to figure out the root of the matter.
- Taking responsibility for your words and actions: This is another problem that arises out of ego and refusal to compromise or apologize. You might be amazed to find out the extent to which taking responsibility can help improve your relationship.
- Decide whether to break up or not: If you feel that it is absolutely impossible to continue with your partner, it is important to gather your strength and actually break up. If you think that you can still work to improve your relationship, then you must start immediately because not doing anything about a situation like this is the worst possible thing.
Love hate relationships, if dealt with properly, can become a love only relationship, like it is supposed to be. However, it runs the risk of becoming very poisonous very fast, so one has to proceed carefully in order to ensure long-term happiness.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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