If there is something I learnt when I was in my early twenties, is that friendship and relationship come with clauses and are two very different things which need a lot of work for it to go hand in hand. The minute you begin to ignore one, the other one suffers. Ultimately, you can never get out of it without having ruined at least one of those relationships.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
We’ve all had that one friend we lost to a boyfriend or a wife! Well, in my case, I’ve lost a bunch of friends over a period of time for varied reasons. In hindsight, I’m forced to think that the men I dated weren’t worth losing my friends and I should have probably known better. But, I wasn’t using the right side of my brain while making those decisions in my early twenties.
Suggested read: 10 awesome reasons why women who love dogs make the best girlfriends
This happens due to some unavoidable reasons:
- You spend too much time with either of them and completely knock off the other
- Your friends don’t get along with your girl/boyfriend
- Your girl/boyfriend hasn’t made any attempt to like your friends
- And lastly, sometimes, you just can’t have both these relationships at the same time!
Just like most girls my age, I too had a large bunch of friends. We hung out without fail on most weekends and fun times were guaranteed. I had them and they had me. I wouldn’t call ourselves a closely knit bunch but we were close enough. Put us all together in a room and there would be a laughter riot! Some of us even met religiously on weekdays after work. So, you get it. These were people I hung out with A LOT.
One fine day, when I began dating a guy, I saw less of them. Well, it wasn’t entirely their fault because I hadn’t introduced the guy to them or ensured we all hung out together. However, in due course of time, I figured I prioritized the guy over my friends. So, I would cancel plans with them to meet this guy and his friends. I would sometimes even ignore their calls and messages. Naturally, this guy had become way too interesting for me and everything else took a back seat.
All was great until he ditched me, and, so did my friends.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
I had nowhere to go. They were now doing exactly what I did to them. They began ignoring me and I realized I had lost that connect with them. Even if we did meet (after me having to literally beg them), they had become indifferent towards me.
I was now a traitor who had come home. I was the needy one.
Suggested read: 18 sad signs you’re settling in your unhappy relationship
Yes, I needed them now, more than ever. I was hurt after the breakup and had no one I could talk to. Eventually, I figured, I wasn’t their friend anymore. They had stopped caring and I couldn’t blame them. I did the only thing I could do – I moved on.
I changed jobs and moved cities. A change in place always helps a broken soul; at least, that’s what most people say. Tried making some friends at the new workplace. They weren’t half bad, they were fun too. Just like the old bunch.
They welcomed me with open arms and I felt involved and loved again. Little did I know that friends and relationships are like two sides of a coin – you can never see both together. It’s either one or the other. So, when I began dating the next guy, history repeated itself. But this time, I wanted to make sure I was not keeping things from my friends. So, I planned ahead and opened up about my relationship with this guy and got all of them to meet him. This time, I was balancing friendship and relationship like a seesaw, and yet, to my dismay, I did a bad job.
Image source: Shutterstock
This time around, my ‘friends’ didn’t like the guy for various reasons. They thought he was a little too flamboyant and cocky, not to mention over-protective of me! Well, seemed like they had their reservations about him, and I was in no way going to prove anything to anyone. I’d had enough of all the drama and BS. I went on and continued seeing him until we mutually broke up in less than a year’s time.
Going by my history, I knew I would have to now go back to my friends. Only, this time I didn’t. I’d learnt my lesson. I let them be; it’s alright for people to dislike someone and it’s alright for me to abandon someone, is what I thought. Friendship and relationship cannot be bought, or forced upon someone. Over time, people develop feelings and that creates a bond. Sometimes, the bond is strong, sometimes it just fades away. I realized I was giving way too much credit to people than they deserved.
So I decided on a few things that I’d follow if I ever started dating again. I consider these to be my golden rules:
- Don’t try too hard to get someone’s attention – in any kind of relationship! People who want to stay, will stay with you, come what may.
- If you really want opinions from a friend, prepare to also hear the ‘bitter’ side. So, you either ask for an opinion and be okay with it, or just don’t ask at all!
- It’s very important to have friends of your own – so make it a point to stay loyal to a few of them (regardless of who you are seeing!) at any point in time.
That said, in the years that I have grown older, I have also learnt that some friendships are better than a few relationships, and vice versa.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
Sadly for me, I happened to lose some people in the bargain. But, I guess they were never meant to stay. No matter how hard I tried, I’m glad I didn’t try too hard. Else it would ache to see so much effort go to waste.
I’m in a happy place right now, knowing that my only true friends are the ones that have accepted me without any conditions and preconceived notions about my choices in life, in general. They’ve stuck by me through all of life’s drama, seen me at my best and, dealt with the worst. They are the last ones to judge and the first ones to warn me. Likewise, the man I find my solace in, has also risen above all circumstances. He has taught me to love affectionately and forgive easily. He understands and respects my space and my friends.
Suggested read: 15 reasons why you’re being taken for granted in your relationship
It’s hard to find the perfect combo, yet, here I am in flesh and bone, with the privilege of having some really wonderful friends and a marvelous partner. The key to have them both is probably due to my own ability to let go of certain things, to play mediator at times, and to build and nurture all existing relationships.
So, the next time someone tells you that you can’t have friends and a healthy romantic relationship at the same time, you tell them to take a walk! Because, if you put your mind to it, you can have everything you want. It’s about striking that balance and being able to set a few boundaries for all the people in your life.
It’s probably not very simple as that, but you get a hang of it as you go through this wonderful journey we call life.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Likewise, it’ll take a little more than what is already existing to tie the strings together. Don’t give up – not on yourself and not on others who really matter. And time will testify who really matter.
Facebook
Disqus
Google + 
