Expectation: Oral sex.
Reality: None of it.
Image source: Giphy
If you have grown up watching p*rn like a normal pimply teenager with raging hormones, you know how it starts. Except that you don’t. Don’t even expect it, coz it ain’t gonna happen!
Suggested read: Inside the mind of every girl having sex for the first time
Expectation: It will be sublime.
Reality: It will be sweaty and tiresome.
Image source: Tumblr
Forget all the ideas you have about sex being the most pleasurable experience in the world. That kind of stuff is exclusively reserved for eating pizza. If you are dreaming of feeling rejuvenated afterwards, you will be massively disappointed. You will be sweaty and tired, and gasping for breath. Don’t believe the hype, my friend.
Expectation: You will excel at dirty talking.
Reality: You end up sounding like a mumbling fool.
You think your dirty talking game is on point, but in the heat of the moment, when you want to talk dirty to her, you end up blurting out some incoherent jargon which she asks you to repeat twice because she didn’t hear it the first time. Now she just wants you to get on with it. Game over.
Expectation: You want to try out all the unconventional positions.
Reality: You are too lazy, so you just stick to missionary.
Image source: Giphy
Yes, you might be thinking of trying out the reverse cowboy, the butter churner, the spork and the snow angel, but your first time doing it will probably be about who is going to go on top. Convenience wins!
Expectation: You want to whisper sweet nothings and cuddle afterwards.
Reality: Snores to rival an ogre!
Image source: Giphy
You hope to enjoy post-coital bliss, to cuddle with your partner, to tell them how much you love them, and what they mean to you. You expect to whisper into their ear, and kiss them every once in awhile. Well, before you even try, you will hear snores that can bring the ceiling down!
Expectation: Soft, romantic music chosen for the occasion.
Reality: Your own grunts to rival that of an animal’s.
Image source: Giphy
Well, all your sex playlists were made in vain. The background score to your first time doing it consists of your own grunts (which probably sounds like puppies being kicked) interspersed with car horns and shouts from frustrated pedestrians. Hallelujah!
Expectation: Your friends think of it as a great achievement.
Reality: They simply don’t care.
Image source: Giphy
Don’t expect a crown for a failed attempt at reproduction. Your friends do not care if you aren’t a virgin. They only care if you are. 😛
Expectation: You expect your partner to give you the time of your life.
Reality: Your partner is as clueless as you.
Image source: Giphy
You expect your partner to take hold of the reins and guide you to blissful sunshine? Reality check: your partner is probably expecting the same. He/she is as clueless as you, and is just being polite about it. Time to revel in your combined naiveté and have a moderately okay time. Yay!
Expectation: You put on the condom like a boss.
Reality: You do a terrible job of it.
Image source: Giphy
Yeah, so what’s the big deal about wearing one, right? You have been saving it in your pocket for five years, and the moment of glory finally beckons. Except that that moment is pushed back by 10 more minutes as you read the instructions, put it on the wrong way, and then awkwardly smile as your partner looks at you with disdain.
Suggested read: 9 surprisingly less known things about doing ‘it’ the first time
Expectation : You last for an hour.
Reality: 3 minutes, tops.
Image source: Tumblr
Sure, the videos tell you that it’s easy to go on for an hour, that 30 minutes is a piece of cake. But in reality, it’s not more that 3 minutes. Yes, that includes the foreplay and cuddling. And no, she doesn’t want to go a second time.
Facebook
Disqus
Google + 
