At an age where half of my friends are saying ‘I do’ while the other half is fretting over taking that big leap of faith to voice those same words, I often get asked whether there’s anything such as marriage rules. More often than not, I avoid getting into the nooks and crannies of this one, for I almost always say too much, and hence, it really goes down the drain, instead of hitting home.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
But more recently, as my set of besties are beginning to walk down the aisle and take their vows for a lifelong companionship, in sickness and in health, I am beginning to wonder about the age-old precepts about marriage rules that are passed down as the TRUTH. The fact, however, is that this ‘truth’ is light years away from being the truth. These marriage rules (like compromise is inevitable and necessary) breeds resentment, anger, frustration, and unhappiness. And that is when I realized that perhaps, the most important rules for a happy marriage need to be rewritten, for people to remember and more importantly, apply. Also, these would do well to replace the marriage rules that masquerade about as universal truths about marriage! ‘Tis about time …
Suggested read: A letter to all the men I have loved before
Without further ado, here are the fifteen most important rules for a marriage that one needs to remember to apply for a healthy and happy marriage:
1. Check your anger at the door
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Anger is a natural instinct; when one is defensive, when one is vexed or even when one does not want to be buzzed in on why the kids won’t eat broccoli! But remember that anger, for whatever reason, should be checked at the door. Your marriage and the issues therein are between the two of you and should be kept that way! Do not make it a public spectacle – not even before the kids! In fact, never!
2. Agree to disagree
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
With the need to check one’s anger comes an associated need to prevent frequent outbursts. This can be done vis-à-vis learning how to disagree in a healthy manner. A difference of opinion is inevitable in any marriage. But disagreements can be prevented from flaring into a fight. All one needs to do is discuss and respect each other’s points of view and ensure that one reaches an optimal solution.
3. Marriage will require you to learn, A LOT
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Marriage is a great teacher. From imparting lessons in patience to teaching one to forgive, cutting back the urge to blame, answering the hard questions, speaking the difficult truths or the often-inevitable codependence – marriage is going to teach a lot. If you take the lessons well, your marriage will pass with flying colors. If not, your marriage will flunk the test of time.
4. Make it a transparent marriage
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Expressing your feelings is always tricky. Whilst the mushy-gooey, lovey-dovey tid-bits may be more than welcome, venting your anger or disapproval or resentment or worse, jealousy or insecurity can scorch your relationship. Good communication is important, but the bare-your heart advice is as destructive as it can get. I am not saying- don’t be honest. In fact, make it a marriage where you have to hide nothing. However, learn to differentiate between communication and expression. Understand that expression of feelings/emotions might tend towards irrationality. Feelings know no reason and are highly subjective. Therefore, venting them has to be handled with extreme caution and care. MAKE THE EXPRESSION ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL HURT/UPSET ABOUT. Do not lay blame or make your spouse feel guilty about making you feel that way.
Suggested read: Don’t plan a wedding, plan a marriage
5. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate
Coz in their victory, you win too! Isn’t it? 
6. Marriage is all about the present and the future
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Bringing up the past into any fights/issues that crop up within marriage is going to intensify the fights and widen the rifts. Make sure you present the present in your marriage with the present of an active focus on building and sustaining love so as to have a happy future.
7. The union really means being ONE
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
There’s something really hard about this one. I mean, in a way, it’s simply the preschool precept of ‘sharing’ – but in a very non-preschool way! In a marriage, there is nothing about me and you – everything is ours. I mean – one bed, one bathroom- even one mirror above the bathroom sink! Hopefully, not one toothbrush – coz that would be seriously unsanitary! But marriage does involve a conscious sharing of everything, and even though it’s hard, it’s beautiful!
8. Finding growth in change is important to sustaining a healthy marriage
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
People change over time; so do feelings. What should remain constant is the ability to choose the person you chose to say ‘I do’ to when changes bombard you, him, and your marriage from all directions. You are one team and should be finding allies in ‘changes’ so as to grow together. Any inability to not adapt with the changes and not be able to align one’s relationship with the changes shall cause you to grow apart.
9. Marriage reveals selfishness, but can cultivate selflessness
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
All of us have the ability to be selfish- but you wouldn’t realize it until you are a few months (maybe, even a few hours) into your marriage. From the li’l things like where to eat and who’s going to have the remote control to the larger issues like apologizing after a fight and owning one’s imperfections are all a part of the married life journey. Travelled well, it would help you eschew bits and pieces of the selfishness and trade them for more gratifying mouthfuls of selfless love.
10. Marriage is more intimate than sex
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Sex isn’t the path to attaining intimacy. It is more of a healthy expression that fully embodies your current intimate connection. Never use it to forge a connection or make up for an emotional lacuna, coz it won’t; intensity is no measure of intimacy – not in sex. Instead, allow sex to flow from your healthy equation in marriage – a bond that affirms life through deep and all-enduring love.
11. Disappointment is inevitable
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
This one is a tough one to reconcile with. But an obvious truth. Therefore, I have a hard time wrapping myself around why people do not believe that this will happen, or do not prep themselves for it. When you allow someone to merge their heart with yours, there is going to be an ache someday! An unkind word, an unintentional action or a selfish moment – deep loving inevitably calls for deep wounds too. It is surprising how deep a piercing word can cut – when it comes from your beloved. All one needs to remember is how much you’ve been forgiven through too – even when you weren’t so deserving. True love endures – in the face of wounds that pierce you to the core – coz the healing ointment is sitting right beside – through the grace and forgiveness found in hearts that love deeply!
Suggested read: The one failsafe way to make him fall for you
12. Owning mistakes and seeking forgiveness is key
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
With the certainty of being wounded comes the lesson of forgiveness. True forgiveness entails a deep understanding of the heart that chose to forgive you through the times you had erred too – so you could see the ‘choice’ involved in loving each moment – even when one isn’t being too loveable. And that holds both ways!
13. Love is a choice, marriage a commitment to the choice
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
I have often iterated and reiterated upon the ‘CHOICE’ that love inevitably is. Feelings are like a compass – they can guide you but you need to steer your boat on your own. Loving is easy when what you feel for the other person only spirals upward and becomes more intense. But intense ≠ intimate. True intimacy in marriage is being able to read one’s mind, heart, body, and soul – just like that. This can only happen when you ‘CHOOSE’ each other fully, moment by moment, day by day, month by month – stretching into a lifetime of togetherness – when there’s love and even, when you question if there’s any.
14. Marriage will cost you
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Yep, you will exchange a little bit of ‘you’ for a li’l piece of ‘him,’ he will lay out your phrases on the platter ever-so-often whilst you sprinkle his favorite pastimes for the weekend-indoorsy fun – it will be a constant give-and-take in which you shall, bit by bit, learn to let go of things that don’t really matter. I mean, how many years can you care about the shower curtain not being drawn or the shoes in their right place, huh? Always, you say? Well, either way – it’s a cost – one, in which you receive way greater return on your investment and the other in which you wear it out as much as it has cost you. And in either case, marriage is good like that! Seriously!
15. Never take it for granted
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
The fastest way to kill a marriage (or any relationship) is to start taking it for granted. The most strong, enduring, and happiest marriages are those wherein two people make an unflinching, unwavering commitment towards keeping, building, nourishing, and LIVING the marriage. There is no magic wand that is delivered in a gift-wrapped parcel at your door when Cupid strikes. You have to work hard at sustaining the same levels of contentment and happiness you derived from your relationship, during the initial phases. Especially when the going gets tough. Efforts are the air a marriage (any relationship) breathes!
Those are all the rules for a happy marriage I want to lay down for today. Let us know about some from your rule-book of a ‘Happily Married’ journey. There’s a comments section below.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Facebook
Disqus
Google + 
