If you’ve watched any of the Hindi serials currently running on television, you’ll have noticed something. Sex is always, always initiated by the man. The woman is just his passive and coy partner who always resists initially; it never is her idea to begin with. This is the stereotype that enforces the myth that women aren’t expected to enjoy, much less initiate sex. It is also this kind of thinking that discourages women from talking about sex, even to their own partners.
But the fact remains that TV or no TV, women do have desires and when they go unfulfilled, they are left feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. Men are usually more vocal about what they need, but women are left making do with whatever they get and keeping quiet about the whole situation. This doesn’t help either the woman or the marriage. Just as marital problems reflect in a couple’s sex life, bad sex can also affect a marriage that is otherwise happy and strong. Since openly talking about this topic is a sore spot for most women, here are some tips to help in better communicating your sexual needs to your partner.
1. Understand that he can’t read your mind.
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While sexual dissatisfaction can easily fester and cause resentment towards your husband, you have to realize that he isn’t a mind reader and has no idea how you’re feeling. Accept this and you’ll find the resentment melting away.
2. Be comfortable with yourself
A woman who isn’t comfortable with her body or her sexuality will never be comfortable about voicing her desires. You are you, love handles and all, and you are gorgeous. Being at ease with yourself is the base point of a successful sex life.
3. Understand what is causing your dissatisfaction
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While you feel dissatisfied, it might be difficult to pinpoint the exact reason. Do some self analysis – why do you feel this way? What is it that you actually want? Is there an underlying reason for wanting or not wanting something? Realizing your true needs makes it much easier to have this conversation.
4. Talk outside the bedroom
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All experts agree that discussions about sex should happen anywhere but the bedroom. This is to keep the area free from any negativity that might be associated with the discussion, so that both of you aren’t reminded of it every time you go there.
5. Ensure both of you are relaxed
When your husband returns home late after a stressful day at the office, it might not be the best time to bring this up. Or if you’ve had a tough day yourself, defer the conversation for later. A delicate issue like this needs to be dealt with sensitivity, and a bad mood will only damage the situation further.
6. Don’t use ‘blame’ language
The tone and language you use makes a huge difference when talking about issues like sexual dissatisfaction. Never use this as an excuse to blame your husband; this will backfire and ruin things. Try putting the focus on yourself and your needs and say you need his help to make things better.
7. Be confident and state your needs
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As mentioned earlier, Indian women have bought into the stereotype of the coy and docile woman who is nothing more than a passive partner during sex. Let go of that image and bring out the mature, confident you. Explain your needs clearly to your husband, without looking embarrassed. If you yourself is embarrassed to express your needs, then it will make the situation awkward for him as well.
8. Use positive reinforcement
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When your husband makes an effort after your talk, be sure to shower him with praise for being so considerate. He’s trying and should be appreciated. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way in ensuring continued effort from his side.
A frank and open discussion about sex leads to a healthy and supportive relationship between spouses. If there is some kind of underlying stress, this is an opportunity to bring it out in the open and find a resolution. Nothing is to be gained by keeping your desires bottled up; let them out and watch yourself soar!
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