When there is a conflict in a relationship, each partner loves to blame the other for all the things that went wrong. Each one believes that they have sacrificed, adjusted, and given up a big part of themselves for accommodating their partner’s wishes. They would like to point out that they did this with a big heart, to give space to each other’s need for space. It was their generosity and love that they allowed this space and freedom to the other. STOP right there!
When you entered into a relationship, how many of you had communicated to your partner your likes and dislikes, your pain and pleasures, what is close to your heart, and what you abhor? When you had the first fight, how many of you took your ego out of the fight and let listening and understanding do the talking for them? How many of you had agreed to fight and agreed to disagree? How many of you had made a pact that no matter what, you would begin each day as a fresh day and would consciously complete and close all issues within the same day instead of letting it fester and build up, leading to such a distance that it got awkward? Or grudgingly gave in to make a compromise? The question is… Does it have to be this way?
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Suggested read: 8 reasons why you should NEVER apologize for your emotional baggage
The first step to a healthy relationship is communication. What do you communicate about? My first suggestion is to get into each others’ worlds, share your story, about your family, what your ambitions and dreams are, what is important to you in life, what your strengths and weaknesses are, where you would like to make a difference, what stops you and what obstacles you are facing and so on. This definitely makes you vulnerable, no doubt.
But this vulnerability is needed to help your partner understand you better. If you so wish, take your partner into confidence and give each other the assurance that you will keep this confidential and will not use it against each other even if you part ways and will not use the shared information to manipulate each other.
Having said that, let me also tell you that the most common pitfall once you settle down in any relationship is that each partner will take the other for granted, will forget the assurances given, and resort to manipulation once in a while. It does feel like betrayal at that point in time.
However, what is needed is the grace to clarify and resolve the issue in that moment and not wait for days together to resolve your issues. If you feel that you are short-tempered or take out your anger on your partner in front of others, then make a decision right at the beginning on ways to help you overcome these pitfalls with your partner’s help.
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For example, for every time you lose your temper or shout at your partner, make a pact to write an IOU note (‘I owe you’ note). ‘Sorry’ does not come easy to many. But to attempt to do this innovatively is the name of the game. It melts many a heart, builds tolerance to each other’s faults, and forgiving comes from the heart more easily. The IOU note might read like this:
‘I lost my temper today and shouted at you in front of my friends. I owe you an apology. I am sorry. I owe you a hug and a kiss. And to see that I do not do this again, let’s make an agreement to keep the past in the past.’
Sometimes, a simple apology is the answer. Sometimes, you need to do a little more, like taking a beautiful bouquet of flowers with an apology note, or a thoughtful gift sometimes. See what works best for you and your relationship, since you know your partner best.
This is just one way of doing things differently. Many conflicts occur over small things in life. Once you start living with you partner day in and day out, the small idiosyncrasies will irritate. A wet towel on the bed, the crumpled shirt that he wears, her 100 pairs of footwear, her need to buy in twos – the list is seemingly endless!
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It’s easy to judge negatively. Accepting the person as they are is not as difficult if you ask yourself this one question: Is what you are getting irritated about a question of life or death of the relationship? If it is not, then let it be. It just needs a new perspective to resolve this conflict.
Suggested read: A step by step guide on how to apologize to your boyfriend
If, however, it is a serious issue, then make it a point to share it with a person who can give you solutions rather than just lending an ear and sympathizing with you. A person who has the wisdom to be the middle ground, look at the situation objectively, and help you with an action plan. You would have your default support system in your family who know you inside out and will be able to guide you neutrally without taking sides. Remember they will have your best interests at heart.
However, if things seem unbearable and lost, then I suggest you visit your nearest counselor, an unfamiliar person who is qualified to be that middle ground, and be able to guide you and your partner, if need be, when you think it is a question of life or death of the relationship.
After all, what we are looking for is a meaningful, fulfilling relationship that helps us realize our natural selves, bond and grow together as life takes us through its many tests and challenges. The name of that game is life!
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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