It is funny how at a certain point in our lives, we all get the deal about fairy tales but just when it comes to living out the same in love, all bets are off. Last night, as I lay in bed, thinking of all my previous relationships and why they didn’t work out the way I thought they would, I realized just how many relationship mistakes made that journey to the ‘end’ quicker! I realized that as much as one half of the ‘end’ that I accepted readily in some cases, whilst trying to stave it off for others as hard as I could, for as long as I could was the vial of toxicogens that my exes injected into the relationship, I was responsible for another half that I just couldn’t deny.
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For a long time, I expected to be loved the way I knew to. I kept hoping for things I did in my relationship, wanting things that I was giving to our bond and expecting to be valued and cherished the way I valued him. And the worst part – I ignored that sane voice in me that knew better. Ouch!
For even longer, I chose to stick to toxic relationships because I was living out the version in my head, my projection of things – an illusory romance that clouded the real forest behind my fanciful garden. I believed in the potential of the deceptive seeds I had firmly planted on my mind-scape, keeping faith in the pumped up belief in a thriving love tree that’d grow out of ’em, deluding myself further and falling in love with the potential of what the relationship could be, instead of accepting and working with what it really was or struggling against it to break free. Double ouch!
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And once I rose above my demons, believed I had slain them, and made note of the lessons, I realized that I was falling into the vicious trap of choosing the same pattern as the salt that I could rub on my own unhealed wounds. That’s when I realized I wasn’t ready for a mature, healthy, and stable partnership. Triple ouch!
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Today, as I stand on the brink of a future that holds a potent promise of the meaningful relationship that has clearly eluded my grasp in the past, I am more self-aware in that I know the relationship mistakes I have made, have taken the time to know myself first, fall in love with myself so as to be able to extend it outward in a healthy manner and am fully confident of my convictions, values, and worth. This is where I have learnt to differentiate between the standards I hold myself to and my expectations that I need to keep grounded. This is where I have learnt to avoid the relationship mistakes I have made in the past and move forward without resorting to any escape hatches – but simply, process every event in the light of how it tastes – a sweet dessert or a bitter pill – and digest it to extricate its nutritive value and excrete the waste!
Yep, collecting the grist for my mill has become routine and it is no wonder, then, that I pass these valuable nuggets down as relationship advice in my columns. I have got a massive pile, and it’s all good and necessary and by God’s grace, in my kitty for sharing with the world!
They say you cannot teach what you haven’t learnt, which is why I believe that the lessons I teach are what I needed to learn and now, need to hand down to the world. Here are the most common relationship mistakes all women make:
1. Trying to change him
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This is one of the most fatal mistakes that women in relationships make. It isn’t uncommon to find women fall in love with the potential of a person rather than accepting and loving him for who he really is. And the worst part is that this mistake doesn’t reveal its grotesque face until much later when it becomes too difficult to salvage the relationship from the damage done unto it by this self-destructive trait. You cannot change a person, ever.
Yes, you can drive him to be better and also offer your opinion on things like the shoes he picks or the way he does his hair, by being positive instead of adopting a belittling or condescending tone but that’s about it. Constantly cribbing and complaining about the way he is and how he isn’t the way you want him to be, slowly unveils the mask that you’d worn when you dove headlong into the relationship, accommodating all his flaws only because you thought you could mend them. YOU CANNOT. Live with it.
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2. Being insecure/jealous
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Jealousy is an unnecessary strain on a relationship. Flipping out whenever he talks to another woman is a big NO. It just shows that you are insecure, have self-esteem issues, are incapable of building and maintaining trust, and cannot keep your relationship on healthy ground. If you are confident and secure in yourself, you will never have to worry a dime about your man going astray. And if he still does, you can look up to the heavens and thank God that it happened. For all else, that 2 am ‘k, will check’ text means just that! So, stop snooping about his texts, calls, e-mails, and act like a possessed demon whenever he is in the vicinity of an attractive female. He is just talking. Really!
3. Making the relationship your ALL
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This is one of the most obnoxious albeit common relationship mistakes that women are guilty of. Women need to understand that a relationship is a part of their lives and not their whole life. By allowing it to take over the importance of friends, family, work and/or other passions, hobbies and interests, you are not only suffocating your relationship by being clingy and needy but you are also killing your own growth as an individual. Do NOT do it.
4. Letting yourself go
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This one is ‘death by habit.’ And perhaps, one that also causes men to cheat, if not quit altogether. Women, once in a long term relationship, feel that they no longer need to invest time and effort in keeping the sexual energy buzzing. They let themselves go – forgetting to work out, shave their legs, take care of their hair, don nice outfits, and look good for their man – thereby, making the equation stagnant and even, stinking of stale sexual vibes. No man wants to see their woman in that dirty nightgown, with grungy, smelly hair, and legs that are just like his! Seriously ladies, you do not have to look like Cameron Diaz all the time, but you can do it once in a while whilst being presentable, always! Take care of yourself. You keep nagging about his beer belly too, don’t you?
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5. Nagging
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First things first, nobody is perfect. Constantly telling your man what he is doing isn’t right is NEVER a good way of letting him know it could be done differently. If you want to see a change, use the positive tone, with a dash of love. After all, knowing that you love it when he gets you breakfast in bed might get you those scrambled eggs you love and more!! Win-win! 😉
6. Not giving him his space
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Just because you are guilty of being passive aggressive, always return ‘nothing’ in response to ‘what’s wrong,’ and would still like to be be pressed further so he uncovers those layers and gets you to open up does NOT mean he likes for you to pester him when he is in a foul mood. Men and women are different and it is okay to leave him alone when he does not feel like talking. When he wants to, he will come around. Listen then – do not interrupt and do not offer solutions either. He will ask you what you think when he needs that. Similarly, hogging over his personal space, intruding his plans with the guys or trying to be a part of everything he does may backfire. Be careful. Keep your space and allow him his.
7. Not appreciating him and his efforts
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Half the relationship problems in the world would be solved if one were to focus on what is and not on what isn’t. So, it is important that you focus more on things that he does instead of those that he doesn’t. Appreciation is always returned in double the dose! Extend it first, expect it later.
8. Involving a third person
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This one is a tough one, I know. But please keep your relationship problems as personal as possible. You do not need to vent to your bestie, mom or colleague! Do not put your dirty laundry on display and expect a third party’s advice to wash off the stains. You know each other better than anybody else, so keep it that way! Trying to include other people in your equation might create a rift that’d be impossible to bridge.
9. Being grouchy round the clock
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The grouchy girlfriend/wife syndrome is one of the most lethal one in the arsenal. Being negative all the time and meting out the silent treatment, being upset for a week, and justifying your grouchiness by blaming it on him and his non-mistakes is just going to get him to dart toward the exit – with sneakers on!
10. Expecting him to be a mind-reader
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Men are clueless when it comes to reading the clues that you shoot in his direction. Expecting him to read your mind is a mistake you’d do well to avoid. Instead of allowing anger and resentment to breed from such a gap, you could opt for plain communication. It is easy!
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If you ever look closely, you’d see that most relationship problems that women face owe their existence to an inane never-ending pattern of these common relationship mistakes repeated over and over, whilst they are expecting to see different results. Not gonna happen, dear ladies! Wake up and smell the coffee! These relationship mistakes, if avoided, shall save you half the effort!
Although, don’t take me wrong – I love hearing from you – keep writing. Maybe when you have dodged all of these mistakes, you shall write to me of happy stories. And I am looking forward to those! Good luck! 
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