Girl 1: “Did you just tell me you’re a lesbian?”
Girl 2: “Yes.”
Girl 1: “Okay.”
Girl 2: “That’s all you’re going to say? ‘Okay’?”
Girl 1: “Unless you are a Vampire, Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or Meryl Streep, it doesn’t make a difference. You are as ordinary as I am!”
After that, I winked at her and hugged her super tight. Yes, I could have done better, but thank God I didn’t mess things up and make it worse for my friend. For her, coming out of the closet was probably the most painful thing that she had ever done: weighing the consequences, considering what I’d think, risking losing me forever! Well, who am I? And how does being straight put me in a higher position than her? Why am I not scared when I tell her that I like the drummer in the school band?
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Coming out is a delicate situation for both people involved, so you must learn to handle it with kindness and grace. If you haven’t already blurted these out, avoid the following phrases – at all costs!
1. “Are you sure? Absolutely confident? But you were seeing Henry in school!”
Are you Regis Philbin hosting ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’? What kind of a question is that? The last thing that your girlfriend wanted from you when she decided to come out of the closet was for you to interrogate her about the authenticity of her sexual orientation! And about Henry in school: a lot of girls had a boyfriend when they were teenagers. Others didn’t. Neither is a clear indicator of someone’s sexuality! Those relationships weren’t a cover-up!
Sexuality is NOT a cabinet with neat compartments where each item fits in a particular section! People may change slots. Hell, some even disregard the sections entirely! I guess, that’s what compelled Louis Armstrong to sing ‘What a wonderful world’!
2. “Who cares, it’s 2015?! Everyone wants to try it once! Chill!”
Who cares?! Did you just say who cares? Well, let me tell you, it matters to the gays, to the lesbians, bisexuals, and any human being who decides to come out of the closet and tell you something about themselves! Okay?!! While it is nice to know that you are not disappointed by the choice your girlfriend has made about whom to have a relationship with, it would have been way better if you chose the right words to say the same thing! Plus, this whole thing about how “everyone wants to try it once”! Jesus Christ! What you could have actually said is that it does not make a difference; you love her for who she is. You should tell her that you are glad she found you dependable enough to tell you about herself!
3. “You aren’t hitting on me, right? LOLOLOLOL!”
“Maybe I am. Maybe I really want to hit so hard that you can’t be ‘straight’ up again!”
The world does not revolve around you, dude! Just because someone likes girls doesn’t mean that she would jump on every girl on the planet! If we go by your logic, Tom Cruise must have a crush on every woman he crosses paths with because he “is attracted to women”!
4. “Why didn’t you come out to me sooner?”
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“Well, we are not all Miley Cyrus, you know, going around like a ‘Wrecking Ball’ and telling every detail of our life to everyone. Actually, according to your suggestion, I should make a music video about my gayness, you arse!”
Your friend was coming to terms with her own sexuality and was trying to figure out if she could open up to you without you making her feel less of a human being. If her basic human rights remain intact despite whom she allows in her pants, I guess it’s no one’s business!
5. “Maybe we can see a therapist. Don’t worry, this will be cured!”
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Your brainlessness forces me to take you ‘back to school’! She isn’t sick, you moron. She is as human as you and I (though you seem more like a Radish to me!). She has recognized her sexual orientation and is actually more courageous than many in coming out of the closet.
In my opinion, no one should ever have to come out of the closet because all of us should be allowed to love whoever we want to! To not be allowed to love the people we love is like having our lives damaged forever. You better read a poem by Vikram Seth: “Through Love’s Great Power”:
To sneer at love, and wrench apart
The bonds of body, mind and heart
With specious reason and no rhyme
This is the true unnatural crime!
Did this make some sense?
6. “This is a phase!”
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You are just a cousin of the previous moron, but a little cooler one! Do you think we are talking about Justin Beiber or One D here? Or is this like a fashion trend to you: bell-bots or hot pants? We are also not speaking of Orkut or Tinder! Homosexuality is not a time in life that we outgrow. It is not a state of mind. So when someone’s coming out of the closet, don’t belittle them by saying that, “This too shall pass!”
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7. “And honey, you shrunk the kids?”
Hetero-normativity allows homosexuals to have children with straight people. That’s not the point! Thank you for the concern on whether she can have a kid or if she is banishing herself from the feminine blessing of motherhood, but kindly keep the worry to yourself! Who said that she would want to be a mom if she were straight? Isn’t that a decision for herself to make irrespective of her sexual orientation?
8. “Since Ellen DeGeneres did it!”
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If we chose our sexuality based off the celebrities we like, we would possibly be dating drug smugglers, addicts, jobless losers, or werewolves! Yes, it is amazing that Ellen normalized homosexuality and reassured women all over the world that it is completely alright to feel how they feel. But what your girlfriend is going through is her own emotional experience and she is not just trying to be cool!
9. “What’s the scene in bed, huh? *wink*”
“Well, we read each other a bedtime story and then say a little prayer, after which we SLEEP!”
Dear dumb*ss, do you ask these questions to your straight friends? “Is the sex good?” is a different thing to ask, but to raise your brows in utter bafflement, and then try to understand how dinosaurs mate is different! This is not celebrity gossip news that she is sharing with you, so stop thrill seeking!
10. “I always suspected!”
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“Miss. Holmes, I feel honored that you have been snooping around my house lately. Let’s raise a toast to that!”
No one likes to know that they’ve been the talk of the town, unless it’s because they just came back from Cannes! Here’s a friend who’s trying to navigate her own thoughts and feelings while trying to keep everything under cover. When you, dingbat, declare to her that it’s all been known in no time, that’s completely humiliating! So, even if your investigation has been a great success, don’t bring it up!
11. “You’re beautiful, it’s true!”
“What about them?”
Where did you get this bizarre notion that lesbians have to be ugly beings tucked away in some nasty corner of the world! “Just because you couldn’t find yourself a guy!” Ouch! I just punched you!
Let’s draw a Venn diagram for pretty girls and lesbians. Yes, there is a big fat section in the middle that has both.
12. “Nobody’s perfect”
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Ah, the Universe has spoken! Why don’t you tell the prophet in you to shut up for a day? This isn’t your moment to be an agonizing agony aunt to someone. How difficult is it for people to just not say anything and empathetically nod at someone coming out to friends. I am irritated now!
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Coming out of the closet is no small feat. In today’s world, a person usually picks emotional standby over expression. The entire human culture that we’ve grown up in condemns being gay though it makes no sense to me that my love can be considered right and someone else’s wrong. Love is love, right?
Well, even if you don’t share this philosophy, try being a little sympathetic to your girlfriend if she chooses you while coming out of the closet! Avoid saying these common phrases and you’re one step closer to being the empathetic, supportive friend that he or she needs you to be!
Featured image source: giphy
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