Last week, I threw a bachelorette for one of my best friends. By the time the whole hoo-haa ended, we were pretty hammered but still keen to talk. Girls, I admit!! š
Our entire group from school stayed back and we lay there trying to give the bride-to-be some sound advice on marriage. (yes, we donāt always speak gibberish after we are drunk or have pillow fights and dance in our pajamas on the bedspread! :P) I was taken aback at the quality of advice being thrown at her. From ācompromise and adjustment are the keyā to ānever forgive cheating,ā there was some serious shit being flung left and right and splattered right across the walls of the room, in bold, almost embossed patterns.
Suggested read: 10 simple ways to find yourself after a heartbreaking breakup
What I realized, though, was that most of us spend almost our entire lives grappling with these age old-precepts about relationships passed on as TRUTH. The fact, however, is that this ātruthā is light years away from being the truth. The only thing that these myths perpetuate is a gargantuan repertoire of unrealistic expectations from our partners and our relationships, which in turn breeds resentment, anger, frustration and unhappiness.
That is where this document started to take shape on the beautiful screen of my laptop. I knew it was time for a quick look upon facts, instead of the fiction-masquerading-as-fact about our relationships. Here are the most common relationship myths in circulation and the alternate reality, that we more often than not overlook or refuse to see.
Myth 1.Ā A perfect relationship is conflict-free.
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Reality: Ā If your relationship is conflict-free, then the only reason behind is that you are ensnared in the trap of deluding yourself that it is only by remaining as such, that oneād deem your relationship perfect. However, the naked truth is that you are refusing to confront the issues within your relationship. Over time, this delusion shall fade away and the tucked-away frustration and resentment about differences shall lead to unhappiness and most likely, a fall-out.
Conflicts need to be resolved.
Message: Ā Talk about the problems and issues that crop up. It is natural for conflicts to spring up every other Tuesday (or even a Saturday, perhaps!). Talk about it. Learn to disagree in a healthy, productive manner. And smile away to a healthier relationship. J
Myth 2. Ā I have grown out of love.
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Reality: Ā You donāt fall in love and then grow out of it. Love is a verb. And therefore, does not just magically happen. You donāt spin it out of thin air. Itās your actions which build and sustain the āfeelingā of love. Keep that going, coz magic too is not magic, unless you ādoā the trick. Efforts are important.
You donāt fall in and out of love. You make it happen.
Message:Ā Do the things you did when you, as you yourself might say, āfell in love.ā And see how that statement āI have grown out of loveā or even the more inane one āI donāt/canāt love him/her anymoreā is turned right on its head.
Myth 3: Ā A perfect relationship always works out.
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Reality:Ā The most strong, enduring and happiest relationships are those wherein two people make an unflinching, unwavering commitment towards keeping, building, nourishing and LIVING the relationship. There is no magic wand that is delivered in a gift-wrapped parcel at your door when Cupid strikes. You have to work hard at sustaining the same levels of contentment and happiness you derived from your relationship, during the initial phases.
Ā Efforts and gestures matter. Work at your relationship.
Message: One has to put in lots of hard work towards maintaining a successful, healthy and happy relationship. It is akin to maintaining a beautiful garden. The beauty is evident to any onlooker, but only the gardener knows what went into achieving it. Both partners have to work hard at working out on all tiffs and differences. A differing level of effort than that of your partner might cause rough patches.
Suggested read: 9 powerful tips on how to fall in love again after a breakup
Myth 4:Ā Communication is as important as breathing!
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Reality:Ā Whilst it has been proven that silent treatment does not work well for relationships, it is also important to know that the amount of communication, or what is commonly referred to as the ārelationship talk,ā is not as crucial as breathing. For your relationship to keep breathing, it is important that these whiffs of gale that spell out relationship challenges and problems should be balanced with periods of calm weather. This is because men and women have different tolerance levels for this talk. While women seem to be satisfied with the communication, men tend to feel anxious, worried and guilty about these exchanges.
Message:Ā Communication is not to be ruled out. The degree of pesky exchanges and the interims at which they occur is being called into question. While men need to address their womanās need for such talk, women need to pick opportune moments for the exchange. The need for reassurance and the necessity of talk has to be gauged by both parties and then addressed accordingly.
Myth 5:Ā Children should always come first.
Reality:Ā The age old adage that having children further cements and strengthens your relationship is untrue. While the degree of satisfaction that comes from the transition to parenthood can lead to an exalting and exciting feeling, the number of challenges and complications that tag along are much more than many. If the time you give to parenthood eats away any iota of time that you had tucked away safely for your spouse, your relationship is going downhill. You should place your spouse at par with children (if not higher), in terms of the importance that they have in your life.
Message:Ā You should differentiate between theory and practice well. Children need care and affection, especially when they are born and are tiny tots. But a balance between parenthood and adult-only activities is key to a thriving successful and healthy relationship. Plus, your kids will always see a nominal of healthy relationships before them and thereby, a concrete foundation for their understandingĀ of what such relationships encompass is laid.
Myth 6:Ā Independent individual lives are necessary to keep the spark alive.
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Reality: Ā Disclaimer: This reality check does not, in any way, indicate that āmeā should take a backseat to āwe.ā Constant attention towards oneās own vocation, interests, evolving-self is as important as the time made for each other.
However, having said that, it is important to note that interdependence creates a thriving ground for more engagement with each other. Whether it be financial, emotional or social, couples who live a life of mutual engagement with each otherās social, psychological and/or other realms/spheres tend to be more happier than those who lead parallel, separate lives, of which their spouses are not a part. Once again, attaining a fine balance between āmeā and āweā is the key.
Message:Ā Work towards acquiring common interests, goals and see yourself grow old in each otherās arms, with a smile.
Myth 7:Ā Express it all- honesty is important!
Reality:Ā Expressing your feelings is always tricky. Whilst the mushy-gooey, lovey-dovey tid-bits may be more than welcome, venting your anger or disapproval or resentment or worse, jealousy or insecurity can scorch your relationship. Good communication is important, but the bare-your heart advice is as destructive as it can get.
Message:Ā One has to differentiate between communication and expression. Whilst we have explained what constitutes effective communication about relationship issues earlier, we have to understand that expression of feelings/emotions might tend towards irrationality. Feelings know no reason and are highly subjective. Therefore, venting them has to be handled with extreme caution and care. MAKE THE EXPRESSION ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL. Do not lay blame or make your spouse feel guilty about making you feel that way.
Myth 7:Ā Jealousy is a sign of deep, intense love.
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Reality:Ā It is a measure of how confident and assured you are- in yourself and about the relationship. If your spouse is insecure or a tad bit jealous, or maybe more, showering him/her with more love and care isnāt going to ward off jealousy. Their insecurity issues stem from deep within their being and it is only by themselves that they can address and correct it.
Message:Ā Men get defensive or angry when they are jealous. If a relationship is in its inception or early phases, they might bail out altogether. Women, however, tend to work upon themselves and try to improve the relationship. Draw a line between mild teasing that will bring the two of you closer and projecting your insecurities on your partner and make them feel guilty. Find out the instances you have felt jealous, think of them rationally and address your own insecurities accordingly.
Suggested read: 10 simple ways to find yourself after a heartbreaking breakup
Myth 8:Ā Counseling will not help.
Reality:Ā Most couples seek out counseling or therapy when they have been months, or worse, years into deep waters. That is why by the time they seek help, their relationship is in some seriously-stinking shit. Since they seek out help after a considerable time of trouble, the effort needed to reinstate and re-establish the good elements of their former passion is quite an uphill task. But changing the mindset that counseling is the last shot to what shall definitely be dead-end is important. This is so because you seek out help after aeons of being troubled.
Counseling helps, and it needs to be seen as a preventive step, rather than cure. So seek help early, and especially if both of you find yourselves inept at resolving conflict.
Message:Ā Seeking help is a safe and sane idea, always. Seek it early on during rough phases and let it work wonders.
Which of these relationship myths did you believe? Tell us in the comments below.
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