Breakup Or Makeup – 15 Signs To Help Make That Choice

by Sejal Parikh · March 19, 2015

Is breaking up the only option? Or should you give it one last shot?

‘Giving up is not an option,’ she said.

‘Yes, but…’ he replied, ‘I want to…’

‘No,’ she interrupted, ‘we will make it work. I want to make it work. It is too precious to let go.’

Sometimes, no matter how hard partners try to salvage a crumbling relationship, their relationship falls apart. Quality partners who have lost each other, owing to irreconcilable differences, feel broken about their loss, terrible about hurting each other, and saddened at the thought of failing to keep the relationship that they built together, over time. However, there is nothing they can do to sustain their bond, especially when they feel they have given it their all, are disillusioned of ‘trying’ to fix things, and aren’t quite sure how and why things went wrong. A coming-to-grips-of-sorts is necessary for two well-intentioned and caring people who have done all they could to save their sinking ship. They need to realize it isn’t about fault, shame, blame, grief of failure or even fear of trying again.

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However, for most couples, this realization seeps in too late. The ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ ‘Should I love or should I leave?’ questions become too hard to answer. In the process, they end up holding on for far longer than they should. Like the couple in our excerpt above, many believe that ‘giving up’ is off the table. But braving something that is consistently hurting us and destroying our potential to be happy is not only unhealthy but self-destructive.

Suggested read: Don’t plan a wedding; plan a marriage

Life is all about striking a balance between the ‘good’ and the ‘bad.’ We need to strive to make the right choice after a close assessment of why we choose to ‘stay’ even after the relationship (may be even our job or the place we have lived in for far too long) has crossed its expiration date. The most crucial factor in why we tend to hold on and ever-so-tight is our fear of the ‘uncertain,’ the unknown future that we can in no way predict. This fear cripples our determination to avoid the pain, frustration and guilt that tags along with an overstretched torturous relationship and we try to manipulate our situations in an attempt to control, even contain the outcome. Does it work? More often than not, NO!!

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So, how does one know that one is holding on to a love-vial that is toxic? How does one take that final call? How does one know whether it is time to break up and let go?

By checking to see if you can tick off most/all signs on the following checklist:

1. When you find yourself dwelling in ‘memories’ instead of the present: If all that keeps you in the relationship are happy memories of bygone times, it is time you take a hard look at the present. Coz, well, the past has passed.

2. When the current situation causes you more hurt than happiness: If you find yourself growing increasingly resentful of your current situation, it may be time to get up and read the writing on the wall. Every relationship has its highs and lows. However, if the ‘hurt’ outweighs the ‘happiness’ by ginormous proportions, you need to accept that it isn’t right.

3. When you are insanely rooting for change: If you find yourself constantly expecting, hoping, and pleading for some kind of change that may improve the situation, a bright red flag is already staring you in the face.

4. When you start to get complacent or bitter: Withdrawal or resentment are surefire signs of a relationship that is heading down a downward spiral, at the speed of light.

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5. When the pattern persists even after trying to ‘fix’ it: If mature discussions, efforts or solid, earnest attempts to bring back the ‘happy’ elements that once existed in the relationship have failed, it might be time to let go. Making up in such a situation shall only mean hopping on to that never-ending roller coaster ride.

6. When you feel all alone in the relationship: The most blatant red flag of them all. If this is what plagues the relationship, it shall cause excessive damage to the person who feels lonely and bringing him/her back to a happy state will be a herculean task.

7. When your situation keeps you from growing into the best possible version of you: A healthy relationship builds you up. It encourages and edifies you. It exhorts you to strive to be better each day. If your relationship is stifling your growth, it may be time you embrace the idea of being free. It will be a fresh lease of life.

8. When you stick by, hoping for things to change: If you are holding onto a deluded sense of hope that things shall get better by and by, you are voluntarily opting for a world of pain. Statements like “Maybe we will learn to agree to disagree once we’re married” are deceptive. Marriage only multiplies what you put in by a multiplication factor of at least a hundred. Change is effected and if your attempts to effect change have failed, there’s an exit door.

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9. When tears keep you company and smiles are infrequent visitors: Love does not make you cry more than you laugh. Period.

10. When you feel lost and divorced from your passion: If you feel drained – emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and cannot seem to find your direction in life anymore, it is time to bid adieu to the toxic bond. For no reason should any person or relationship keep you from your passion.

11. When you no longer identify yourself: If recognizing yourself has become difficult, it will only get worse. A healthy relationship does not take you away from your true self, but instead embraces you for who you are.

12. When you have to force a smile, even when it’s ripping your heart off: Having to wear a mask and continue the charade is a highly ungratifying and unwelcome prospect for fifty years of life, isn’t it?

13. When you stop dreaming: I don’t know how would anybody live if they ceased to dream! Your relationship should give wings to your dreams; not rip off the wings, crippling them. If your relationship is distancing you from your dreams, hopes, and aspirations, distance yourself from it.

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14. When your subconscious knows you are holding on to something that isn’t meant to be: Enough said.

15. When you believe in a better life, a better future: If your heart whispers about the possibility of a better life for you, you know your heart hasn’t quite found its true home yet. Coz home is where the heart is, remember?

If ‘yes’ is all that you’ve heard while you scrolled down, it may be time for you to walk away. Trust yourself and believe in the expansive possibility of life and love. You never know when happiness might come knocking.

Until then, just keep showing up.

Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

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