Long distance relationships are HARD. Dealing with the separation that is involved in a long distance relationship, coupled with the hardship of seeing your cross-country lover once or twice a year can take a toll on anyone. But, like we said in our comprehensive guide to make your long distance relationship thrive, distance isn’t really the hardest part of a long distance relationship. I mean, sure, separation is hard and can put enormous pressure on the relationship. But it is unto the couple to allow the distance to make the relationship strained or not so. And you need much more than patience, communication, and decent WiFi! Just saying.
Often, the kind of long distance relationship advice that women magazines slip you aren’t quite the tips you need to tackle the problems of a long distance relationship. Yes, you need to schedule calls and meetings around a synced timetable, you need to move things around constantly to accommodate the challenge of different time zones, you depend on technology extensively to stave off the miles betwixt you two, you are constantly juggling finances (especially if you are a student long distance lover), you invest additional resources into cultivating aspects of your relationship, such as intimacy and communication than you would if you were a same-city lover and much more. But what tends to be overlooked in these overt and blatant steps to bridge the miles between both of you is an actual, REAL enhancement of the quality of your relationship.
We pored over dozens of dissertations and social science studies in the realm to draw up a unique list of long distance relationship advice which is surprisingly simple and bolsters relationship satisfaction levels by twice its former value. Since it has been scientifically proven that the amount of variance of the relationship satisfaction outcome variable is most pronounced whilst varying the subjective predictors of the long distance equation, and hence, a couple’s beliefs, attitudes, approach, commitment, willingness to invest, mode of communication, levels of psychological distress or lack thereof, ability to trust, and an overall compatible scale of desires (sexual or otherwise) are potent markers for assessing the satisfaction levels and quality in a long distance relationship, it was necessary to collate an off the run-of-the-mill and out-of-the-box listicle of advice for long distance relationship that you wouldn’t find splattered across glossy magazine pages or online relationship forums. These advice for long distance relationships shall help you feel more connected to your lover and improve the overall quality of the long distance experience vis-à-vis a surprisingly simple, yet effective varying of the ‘efforts,’ that you are, perhaps (and hopefully), already making:
Long distance relationship advice for all couples (married, non-married, college etc)
1. Don’t wing it, plan ahead
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Nothing is more important than being upfront about the expectations from the relationship and pitching in efforts to achieve the same in reality. Research has shown that a potent wave of optimism about a desirable future and planning to achieve it helps long distance lovers to cope better with the long distance dynamic. According to Dr. Greg Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships and author of Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide, the difference between LDR couples who make it and ones who don’t can be summed up in two words: ground rules. Dr. Guldner explains that nearly 70% of LDR couples who didn’t anticipate changes — or talk through their game plan for dealing with them — broke up within six months. I have often reiterated upon the most difficult part of a long distance relationship being the discrepancy between the expectation from the relationships and the reality of the situation. It is through effective planning to attain the ‘common vision,’ that the long distance couple can keep themselves getting through another day until they meet to live their vision together.
Suggested read: Do long distance relationships mean the end of the road for the couple?
2. Expression and communication are parts of the same coin
Expression, especially when there is a physical distance between lovers, is crucial to the long distance dynamic. Researchers Scroller and Maynard maintain that expressing your love, in ways more than one, is key to keeping the spark alive in a relationship strained by the rigors of time and space. More often than not, the heartache of separation and the overwhelming pain of not being together begins to override one’s commitment to keep things going. To avoid things from reaching a stage where the chemistry begins to fizzle out, Scroller advises REAL expression of emotions. A simple ‘I love you’ might just not make the cut and is oftentimes tantamount to a slap in the face. At the same time, it is important to note that merely expressing one’s feelings may not help the long distance dynamic. It is equally important to communicate, in order for the person on the other end of the text/call, to gauge your mood, emotion, and delve into the intricacies of the right intonation and meaning a particular admission conveys.
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Communication helps forge a strong understanding of each other’s needs, values, lifestyles, dreams, and carves a path that may be the optimal blend of the routes that each partner may be treading to get to a common relationship goal. Emma Dargie, a PhD student in clinical psychology at Queen’s University, maintains that the single best advice to have a healthy long distance relationship is to have effective communication.
“Establish the needs of each partner early on, practice working towards meeting those needs, and give feedback about which needs are still being unmet,” says Dargie, “These needs can include agreeing on anything from on how often the couple communicates to how frequently they take time to see each other in person. In fact, it’s important to set dates for meet ups. Going long distance with no end in sight can be trickier.”
3. Spice up the long distance lovin’
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In a relationship where the partners cannot use the power of touch to stay connected, things may become a tad bit difficult. Physical intimacy is a part of healthy relationships. Dr. Gary Chapman advises that long distance lovers deploy the power of words to sext, engage in ‘monogamish’ behavior from miles away, and heat up the R-plate. Sharing sexual fantasies, using technology to make some of them come alive, albeit carefully, building up erotic dreams together, and dirty talk and sexting are just some of the ways couples can forge a physical connection from afar. There’s something special about sending those tingles from afar and it builds up the excitement and anticipation for the ‘real’ to happen. You could use apps like WeConnect or sites like com, a site where you can instantly compose and e-mail each other erotic fantasies customized with your own dirty details.
4. Strike an optimal balance between Me and We
Being apart is hard but it is important to continue growing as individuals while retaining your identity as a couple. Research shows that long distance individuals who can go out with friends and family and lead a relatively normal social life while still feeling committed in a relationship and working to make it thrive, experience a sense of empowerment that leads to higher relationship satisfaction levels. April Masini, dating coach and author of Date Out of Your League, wholeheartedly agrees with this strategy and takes it a step further:
“Don’t offer to drop your entire life and move to his city [right away], especially if this is a new and budding relationship. Not only does this make you look like a psycho and a stalker, relocation is a huge life-changing decision and is not to be taken lightly.”
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Striking the balance between the ‘We’ and ‘Me’ bits is crucial to the future of the relationship. Eventually, a move for moving in together might be inevitable, but it should happen as an eventual outcome of the strong connection and realization of mutual relationship goals.
5. Keep the faith
Guldner says,
“The failure of LDRs is a misconception. Couples break up for many reasons, but my 10 years of research on this subject has shown that distance doesn’t seem to be one of them. Indeed, couples in LDRs report the same levels of intimacy , trust, commitment, and satisfaction as geographically close couples.”
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It’s confirmed: Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. So, keep the faith, do not harp on the negative. The more you focus on being happy about the situation, the happier you will feel. Our brains have a pattern of cognitive coping mechanisms to help deal with anxiety. We can help make it easier by talking and sharing things from everyday details to the big dreams! It won’t get you obsessed with the relationship and won’t send out that frightful message either.
Long distance relationship advice for teenagers
1. Be honest
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Honesty is a crucial element of any relationship. For teenagers in long distance relationships, all the more so. Teens in long distance relationships tend to lie about situations that they presume may lead to unpleasant situations, stretched-out fights or a situation that their partner may find daunting or feel threatened by. However, the important thing to remember in a long distance equation is that it stands on an already fragile shard of trust. Although the trust involved is delicately held, it has taken the partner immense strength to hold on to it. It is important to remain honest and communicate in a forthright, direct manner.
2. Be creative
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This is a department that teenagers are already forward in. From creating custom online goodies to personalized, handmade gifts – teens are all for creative ways of expressing their feelings. It is an attempt that is truly laudable and is seen to have a positive impact on the connection between the partners. The tokens of love are important for what they convey – that someone, somewhere, is thinking of you and is dedicating several ticks of the clock to make you smile until the clock strikes let’s-meet-o’clock.
3. Introspect
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The problem with most teen long distance relationships is the low visibility index on the future. Whilst studies may be the reason that keeps them apart, there is a high possibility of factors other than commitment to a common relationship future that keeps them exhorted to forge a strong long distance connection and maintain it. As such, it is important that a certain level of self awareness about where they are at, what they expect from the relationship, and if they are likely to arrive at a synced-version of expectations, set common goals, and work towards them is created. This may help to analyze their investment in the relationship and the ways in which they can cultivate it.
4. Tread carefully
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At that age, it is normal to give in to the heady onrush of feelings that accompany either giving away of hearts or breaking them. In either case, it is important to understand that while the romance and excitement of the initial phase may be a great feeling, it is not as easy to sustain that feeling in the long run. It may get laborious, difficult, and overwhelming to an extent that one may be tempted to call it off. It is important to recall what brought you together in the first place, and if the pros outweigh the cons. Do not let the scales tip toward the ‘heavier onrush of feelings’ that may well be transient.
And of course, a section, specifically asked for– long distance relationship advice for guys.
1. Be thoughtful
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It isn’t without a reason that clichés like ‘it’s the thought that counts’ exist. Show her that it isn’t just time and energy that you are investing with your emotions. Show her your efforts. Let your actions speak loudly about your thoughts – and boy, will she be glad when she knows they are all about her! I bet you’d want to fly down only to see her blushing and beaming.
Suggested read: 10 problems only couples in long distance relationship can relate to
2. Do things together
Just because there lies miles of land and swathes of ocean between you does not mean that you cannot ‘do’ things together. Turn to technology and use it effectively to spend quality time together. Build your own schedule and activity list. Watch movies together, send emoticons to tell her that you had predicted this climax, read a book together, FaceTime her or have some raunchy Skype calls. Do not forget to chip in plenty of kisses and hugs and tell her she means the world to you!!
3. Snail-mail isn’t quite obsolete
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Yep, handwritten letters aren’t a thing of the past. Use them. She will love it.
4. Start tripping, no, not that way
Take those trips to her side of the country – surprise her, tell her or let her dash to the airport to greet you with a kiss. After all, nothing says that you tripped headlong in love with her and do so each time you see her, than a trip that you take to see her!
5. Don’t just be tech-savvy, be surprise-savvy
Surprises are a woman’s heart-food. Send her little tokens of appreciation, write out long mails for her, keep a journal for her, send little handwritten notes or call in to have a bouquet of chocolates, flowers or fluffy dearies sent right up to her door. Plan a hilarious prank with her colleague and have her call you back in half-mock-anger and a full-of-love-voice, beaming with happiness! There’s just so much you can do and I will never tire of popping out surprise ideas!
6. Make her a part of the ‘other’ life
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Integrate her in your life – make her a part of your family and friend circle. Have video conferences that introduce her to important people in your life, share your day’s details with her, ask her hers – do all it takes to make her feel she is a part of a life that you are leading miles away. She does not need to be your everything, but she does need to be a part of everything you do – especially, when she is THAT far!!
Beyond the first few months of mush-love and affection, few, if any, relationships are easy. There is a lot of work that partners are putting in behind the scenes and more so, when the partners need to steer through the obstacles brought on by geography. Try these simple long distance relationships advice in bringing your distant beloved closer and live long distance from close quarters!
Featured image source: Shutterstock
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