What Are The Barriers To Married Sex?

by Sejal Parikh · June 11, 2015

I have often been told that married sex has an optimal period of mind-f**king activity and then, it all ebbs. Partners retract from sexual intimacy and are, as such, dissatisfied with the quality of their married life. A cursory glance into the statistics available on ‘sexless marriages,’ ‘dissatisfaction with marital sex,’ and its corollaries along with an account of several marriage counselors and therapists who evince a married couple’s growing disillusionment with marriage as a result of the dwindling instances of sex shall confirm this rather sorry state of affairs.

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

My problem with this situation is that married couples tend to approach the matter from a superficial angle, willing to correct the situation, albeit with a change in scheduling sex, techniques or worse, perforce! What I wish to emphasize is that married sex is often a cross-section of the health of your marriage. Barring the rare exceptions, it has been seen that the absence of meaningful married sex is a result of the problems that may have infiltrated into the fabric of your marriage, with or without your knowledge. And correcting a dry spell – a season of all-troughs in married sex – shall take more than an amendment of what happens inside the bedroom and on the bed!

Suggested read: Signs he wants to make love to you tonight

The following are the most common barriers to married sex, along with the solutions you’d need to overcome these obstacles and re-establish a marriage that is brimming with LOVE and LOVE-ly instances of making love!

1. Lack of emotional intimacy

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

One of the primary causes of sexual distancing is a lack of emotional intimacy. A couple who feels connected vis-à-vis conversation, shared passions, interests, goals, and emotional investment in their marriages are less likely to spend all of their sexual quota than those who cannot seem to save any, for they have spent all their ‘connection’ to each other!

SOLUTION: For married sex to resume, it is important that you invest time and effort to connect with your partner on the mental and emotional levels to better forge a connection on the physical level.

2. Time management

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Married couples – married men and married women all seem to advance the excuse of the fast-ticking strokes of the clock that seems to be intent on taking away the sexual season of their lives! Wonky work hours, household responsibilities, and several other activities that eat away the time of couples seem legit excuses for depriving the marriage of one of the glues that binds it together. Only it isn’t!

SOLUTION: Do not allow anything to put sex on the backburner! Nobody HAS time, you have to MAKE time! We all have 24 hours in a day – and some of us use the same hours for having awesome married sex whilst juggling the very same busy lives!

3. The gender gap

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Women seem to have the home-court advantage and are very often seen as denying men their desired quota of sex citing several reasons. The problem here is that women do not understand that sex is one of the primary languages of men for ‘connection.’ And in denying them sex, they are harming their bond.

SOLUTION: I do not want to battle the minefield of a woman’s emotional complex with the simplistic desire-model of a man’s perspective on intimacy – but I am trying to explain that if every time you’d wanted to talk, he’d say ‘oh, so you want to talk again, we just talked yesterday’ isn’t acceptable – your ever-increasing train of ‘how you feel reasons’ to not have sex is unacceptable too – to him! Men want and need sex! Get used to it. Give it – freely! And enjoy it!

4. The (m)engagement factor

Image source: Shutterstock

And before all the women readers blast me in the comments section for this lopsided view, while men smile their goofy victory grin – let me clarify this. Men, you aren’t off the hook. While women do need to understand that a certain dose is crucial for you, you need to know that women, too, have a ticking device that you need to understand. So, if she is going the extra mile to give you what you want, you need to pull up your socks and give her hers too! And it isn’t as simple as carnal delight!

SOLUTION: Women think about you more often than you think about sex! TRUE STORY! So, if you’d make her feel loved and cherished, she’d open up hithertofore unavailable avenues of intimacy – and needless to say, the sex that follows would be awesome! Just take care of her needs – call, text, help out with the kids, pick up groceries – tell her you love her – and show it too!

5. Parenting responsibilities

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

So many mommies and daddies feel that children are a reason their sex life has gone bland. The reality is well, far from it! Excuses are for people who do not really want it! However, this isn’t to say that these are just excuses. Parenthood, as exciting, exhilarating, and wonderful it is, can be equally exhausting, exasperating, and worrisome!

SOLUTION: Labor, being a new parent, postpartum concerns, and thereafter are all stages that need not affect your sex life. If you always choose your partner first (and I do not mean that you love your children any less or be a bad parent), you will start seeing the difference yourself! Use the novelty of the emotion of having birthed a new life together to fuel your romance – you will love it when he kisses the marks that are a proud nominal of bearing his own flesh and blood! Just make love, people – you already got something so beautiful out of it! Also, share the parenting responsibilities!

6. Physiological struggles

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Sometimes, the realities of disability, aging, postpartum issues, hormonal imbalances, physical illness, menopause, sexual dysfunction, mental health issues and the like can be the cause behind the dry spell in your marriage!

SOLUTION: Therapy, counseling, and medication! Heal to savor the special sex!

7. Familiarity

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Many people claim it isn’t exciting with the same person anymore! How much NEW can you add!

SOLUTION: it is in your head! There are couples who rock it even after twenty years into their marriage and haven’t seem to have gotten enough of each other. If you have gotten bored of the familiar, you are doing it wrong! Try spicin’ it up!

Suggested read: Unsexy Kama Sutra for married couples

8. Inhibitions and performance anxiety

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Many couples claim that being pressured into rendering alive the sexual expectations (that they had never openly discussed but assumed) made them feel anxious and pressured to perform like a porn star. As such, they averaged lesser and lesser sex every month and even so, it felt clumsy, cluttered, and inadequate.

SOLUTION: Communicate your needs and expectations. Remember, you do not have to match up. Great sex comes with practice, and for that, you’d need to indulge in more and more of it. Melt away with daily sex or have it frequently – so you learn the language of each other’s bodies, hold out an advanced degree in it, and can simultaneously get more playful, raunchy, and perhaps, kinky!

That’s all for all you married couples today! Good luck!