Gone are the days when marriages that were forged over ‘arranged’ meetings made partners feel comfortable about nodding in agreement to the most important decision of their lives they had minimal say in. Gone are the days when families thought it alright to give the to-be-(possibly)-bride and groom a chance to bond over coffee and immediately give the affirmative nod whilst the pressure of having a Mr-I-Just-Met-You and Ms-I-Just-Met-You as someone who’d forever carry the surname And-Married-You loomed large as an inexplicable force about to explode anytime. This was evinced in those drops of perspiration that lined the boy’s brow and those that dotted the nervous girl’s palms.
Suggested read: An arranged marriage is more likely to develop into lasting love
But now is the time of arranged dating. Families have no qualms allowing their sons and daughters (whom they have adjudged as being ideally suited for each other) to take a few months, a year or even more to either agree with their decision or dart off in another direction. It is this courtship period that helps the formerly Mr and Ms-I-Just-Met-You-s to decide if they’d like to adopt the And-Dated-You-Fell-In-Love-With-You-And-Married-You surname! This arranged dating setup is conducive to making an informed decision about an extremely important facet of life – marriage. Getting to know your arranged marriage partner is a process that cannot happen overnight. And the more time the families allow for an arranged dating process, the better it is for the couple who shall (most likely) be tied in wedlock in future. And we have a perfect list of reasons for you to nod your ‘yay’ to arranged dating before you either give a ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ response about getting married to the guy/girl.
Here are the NLT-picked reasons for you to know your arranged marriage partner better along with the choicest of arranged marriage dating tips that shall help you get your to-be-marriage boat set asail on clear waters:
1. Breaking the ice
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It takes no genius to figure that the rehearsed or prompted responses and introductions fail to break the ice between prospective arranged marriage partners. Not to speak of the consequent embarrassment and awkwardness that soon sets in. It is only when they meet ‘minus the horde’ that they are better able to open up and converse. The families must give the partners a chance to bond, outside of the ambit of the looming ‘familial’ shadow so as to share more of themselves and perhaps, even crack a joke or two at the expense of Aunt Anne’s overly dramatic pronouncement of her belief about their match being a heaven-sent.
Tip: This ‘eliminate to facilitate’ process is crucial to laying that first foundation stone for a friendship that can blossom into a companionate marriage. Use it.
2. Social behavior
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A chance to know your arranged marriage partner outside home shall enable you to observe his etiquette, manners, and social conduct. You’d be better placed to judge if his/her behavior with people of the opposite sex, people below his station in life, and even strangers is apt. While you have no reason to jump the gun and initiate a fight if you catch him leering at a pretty face or be rude to her when she yells at the waiter, you do find red flags staring in your face. On the other hand, if you find a man/woman who is respectful of all the ladies around, even gives a reason or two to the cab driver to smile after what must have been a tiring day and speaks in a gentle, warm, and cheerful tone to the waiter, you know the signal is green.
Tip: Observe the signs – believe what he/she ‘shows,’ instead of what he tells. This is indicative of the behavior he might extend toward you or other near and dear ones. Trust me, arrogance is not a plus nor is blowing his nose loudly or spilling the sauce while he eats, every time – just in case!
3. Insight into his/her life
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An arranged dating period is a period of courtship. You share dreams, taste hers, narrate your childhood anecdotes, get to know her pranks from school and college, tell her about your family, get to know about hers. The list is endless. If you people are up for it, you can even tread the precarious paths of the past. After all, our past has a role in shaping our present and a terrifying capacity to influence our future. No matter whether your life has been flooded with painful experiences or is painted in happy hues, it is important to share it with your to-be spouse. Getting real about oneself and one’s life helps the situation to be conducively appropriated to become an enabling force in moving forward.
Tip: Get to know your arranged marriage partner better – not just as a person and for who he/she is, but also for where he/she is coming from, what their lives have been like, where they are headed, and possibly, everything else you need to know before saying ‘yes.’
Suggested read: 6 reasons why an arranged marriage could be perfect for you
4. Ask me anything, or not
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Tying in closely with the last point, this opportunity to pop a question about any issue that has been vexing you or makes you apprehensive about the imminent future merits answers that shall help make the call. They may be the answers you were expecting or the ideal answer you wanted or even ones that you dreaded. It is here that you make a choice, kind of. Also, you should be wary of everything that you get served here – it might not all be palatable – ensure you check the recipe first. What I mean is, you must evince and cross-check facts before you believe someone or take their word for their medical fitness or financial standing.
Tip: Ask away – there’s no harm in that!
5. An awareness about your own feelings
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A chance to meet your arranged marriage partner outside the ambit of the familial influence shall help you gauge your true responses to being with him/her. You shall be better equipped to be self-aware about the feelings and responses that his/her presence elicits. Whether you feel comfortable or not, whether you feel happy or not, whether you feel free or constrained, restless or at ease, you will KNOW and for good.
Tip: Trust your gut instinct and go with your feelings – they shan’t lead you astray!
6. Relationship vision
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It is very important that you share the same relationship goals for the long haul. If what you want out of the relationship and how you imagine it is going to be is in stark contrast to the vision your arranged marriage partner has in mind, your boat is better off at the dock. If you try to make the ‘opposites’ work in conjunction, the coast guard might have to come and save you from drowning soon.
Tip: Know that you are both headed toward the same destination. If not so, you cannot make the journey together.
7. Communication of expectations
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Expectations from life, love, marriage are all part and parcel of the being you are going to spend your life with and the onus that you’d be consciously or not-so-much accepting to shoulder. The only thing to remember here is to be completely open and honest about your dreams and expectations so that your partner knows what he or she is getting into.
Tip: Be honest and forthright about your expectations. There is no reason to abandon your expectations – a person who truly wants to be with you will work toward fulfilling them. The important thing to remember, however, is to extend the same before you expect it.
8. Knowing his/her family and friends
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Getting to know the important people in your to-be partner’s life is not only crucial to understanding more of him/her as a person and how the interpersonal dynamic is, but also helps you get a glimpse of what he/she is likely to be when you start a family or have a common set of friends. Of course, not everybody might get along well and there are the hiccups encountered owing to differences in personalities and tastes, but as long as they help maintain a convivial surrounding and there is an element of warmth and cheer in the milieu, it’s good.
Tip: Get to know friends and folks – you’ll be surprised how much more there can be to know! Plus, you might end up hearing some hilarious childhood stories!
9. Gauging your compatibility level
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Of course, your families have done half the work here by reducing the incompatibilities on the levels of religion, caste, dietary preference, linguistic group, socioeconomic background, etc., but your heart needs more reasons. Once you know your arranged marriage partner, you will be in a better position to judge if your interests and passions, dreams and expectations, likes and dislikes, commonalities and differences, relationship goals and vision, and perspectives on the ingredients necessary to build, grow, and sustain a happy marriage are aligned to work together. If you feel that you are compatible on those grounds and can make it work, you are all set! If not – wait!
Tip: The Compatibility test is a surefire way of deciding – don’t skip it!
Suggested read: Don’t plan a wedding, plan a marriage
10. TIME is your best friend
Coz only TIME can answer the question – whether your arranged marriage partner is really the one you should say ‘YES’ to – plus, all of the above reasons need time – give yourself the gift of time. There’s no rush!
Say ‘Yes’ only when you are 200% sure!
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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