If you are lying in bed alone, your finger stiff and gnawing from swiping right on your phone, eyes shot from surfing NetFlix far longer than a sane person, and a crazy number of emptied beer bottles around you – chances are that you are a victim of the epidemic that’s claimed our entire generation!
I am talking of Anuptaphobia (you probably haven’t heard of it or know it by its name) – but you have definitely witnessed it around or worse, experienced its symptoms!
Anuptaphobia definition
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Defined as a morbid fear of staying or remaining single, this social phobia is spreading like wild fire! And it isn’t just the codependent populace or the seemingly ‘frail and weak’ section of society who are members of the fast-proliferating anuptaphobia club – accomplished men and women are also falling prey to the vicious clutches of this grotesque monster, and surprisingly, the stronger ones aren’t being spared either!
More and more people are IN A RELATIONSHIP with somebody just to avoid being single!!
The Paradox of Anuptaphobia
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In a world keen to overthrow traditional paradigms in every realm of life and slice through conventional rules to lay bare the fallacies inherent in the ideologies that have, since eons, established an unrelenting interpellative hold and hegemonic rule over us, it is ironic that we are still to rule out antiquated notions (read: expectations) of love and marriage. We’ve come a far way from times when marriages used to be the logical course for two people who were seen as ‘evincing interest in each other’ – and yet, for all the progress we’ve made, all our inflated assertions of ‘independence,’ ‘healthy interdependence,’ and a redefining of the dating scene where the ‘choice to date/be in a relationship’ is owned – in acceptance as much as in rejection, we haven’t been able to let go of archaic definitions of love. These fossilized notions of relationships are the ground on which we continue to sow our ‘seeming interest in radically different relationships,’ without realizing that growing a thing we want (?) in conditions not conducive to its growth is going to yield bad fruit!
Suggested read: How to love an emotionally unavailable woman
But it isn’t merely the external factors that contribute toward the paradox of anuptaphobia! Read on to find how.
Anuptaphobia – an explanation of the paradox
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When I say that what we want in our personal lives isn’t stemming from a healthy desire but a rather infertile fear – I am pointing to a rather fatal act of choosing the ‘big life’ – the deceptive world of complacent independence, smug self-sufficiency, and contrived comfort with the world and its ways whilst snuggling up with one’s urge to share this ‘life’ with someone constantly by our side in secret – for a validation of one’s worth – for the feeling of wholesomeness.
Only this refuge offers an equally deceptive and stifling safety!
What one needs to know about being a victim of anuptaphobia is that feeding your ‘desire’ to mingle on the stew of your secret shame/fear of being single or jumping on the ‘committed-wagon’ owing to your fear of the spaces where a never ending train of déjà vu of failed relationships and unlucky love stream in – is NOT going to fix your fear!
Suggested read: How to date a person with social anxiety
Being in a relationship because you are deathly terrified of being on your own shall never give you the healthy, fulfilling relationship that you (and all humans), by nature, crave. In fact, it is highly likely the relationship will come apart.
So, what will? How does one overcome anuptaphobia and open the wide vistas of REAL possibilities of life-affirming love?
By breaking free of the reign of anuptaphobia and understanding our conscious/unconscious complicity in sustaining its potent grip over us. And that is possible by..
Anuptaphobia – diagnosis
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We know that anuptaphobia is a morbid fear of staying single but how does one know – when such a fear is, at some point or the other, a normal transitionary phase in one’s personal growth and journey of self-actualization?
By answering the following questions:
- Do I have feelings of discomfort, sweating or fear at the thought of being single?
- Do I usually have thoughts or dreams where nobody wants to marry me or take me out?
- Do I tend to cancel my activities for fear of losing my partner or staying single?
If the answer to all of the above questions is in the affirmative, you may have anuptaphobia. Confirm the same by looking out for the symptoms.
Anuptaphobia – symptoms and solutions
1. Low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy
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If you feel painfully incomplete and feel that someone else can heal the gaping wound with which you walk about, you are a victim of anuptaphobia. If you feel that your self-worth is defined by whether or not someone chooses you and live in constant dread of your self – feeling worthless, empty, and defeated, you have been taken to the anuptaphobic world.
SOLUTION: What you do not realize is that you have built this paranoid delusion in your head and are thriving on it. If only you could let go of your need to find validation as a consequence of someone else’s choice, you’d be able to appreciate your singlehood and live it to the fullest.
2. Inability to spend time alone
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You get worked up when you have to spend time by yourself. You are at a loss for things to do when you need to fill idle hours on your own, and thereby, fill your company with friends you don’t even like, or worse, hop into the sack with someone who doesn’t even remotely qualify for a ‘fling’ too!
SOLUTION: The fact that you never allow yourself to be in your own company deters you from fully enjoying it. Only when you learn to weed out the fear of loneliness and plant the lush, green saplings of solitude shall you begin to feel the joy you’d been denying yourself all the time!
3. An obsessive thought pattern for love, marriage, and future
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When your mind is constantly preoccupied in dreams of a ‘happily ever after,’ you forget to notice the REAL world at present for the happiness it has to give. You obsess over things you have no control over, thereby ruining what you have at hand.
SOLUTION: Take charge of your present for that’s the best present you can present yourself!
4. Obsession with impossible love
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You shall idealize the man who does not choose you, fret and lust after the one who is in a committed relationship with the blonde you hate, and imagine a rosy future with someone who just said ‘Hi’ to you! Learn to set the rules of the game right! Coz life won’t happen to you if you are constantly taking the road of delusional death! Seriously!
SOLUTION: Rule out cognitive dissonance (i.e., convincing oneself of positive outcomes to justify engaging in a challenging relationship type) or idealization (i.e., focusing on positive relationship traits while ignoring negative traits) as ways of coping with your phobia of being single.
Suggested read: Setting boundaries in a codependent relationship
5. Justifying everything in love
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When you are still betting on the relationship when the other person refuses to have any stakes or put up with some serious s**t in the relationship in the name of love (which, FYI, for you is an avenue to abet anuptaphobia), it is time you put your s**t together!
SOLUTION: Stop doing this to yourself – you are a complete being in yourself worthy of true love!
6. Denial of relationship problems
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When you refuse to confront the challenges implicit in your relationship or fail to see the irresolvable differences (read: live in denial of them), you are driving down the path of deluding yourself of a perfect relationship and its perfectly happy outcome at a deadly speed. You shall crash – coz your destination does not exist!
SOLUTION: Jam hard on the brakes – NOW!
7. Idyllic dreams and false hopes
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If any promise, a ‘perhaps’ uttered under pressure or even a hint of flirtation are all taken as positive signals for a relationship that is ‘meant to be,’ you, my friend, need help!
SOLUTION: Kindly opt for therapy, including NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and ontological coaching.
8. Smothering your beloved
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You don’t give your partner his/her own space or time and with that, you cancel the possibility of being missed or wanted, but proactively create the foundation for rejection instead.
SOLUTION: Learn to enjoy your own company or create room for friends, family, hobbies, and interests. Let your partner indulge in the same. You will be surprised with how much more you’d have to offer each other when you meet again.
9. You’d settle rather than strive
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When you are possessed by self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, you’d settle for the next person who’d care to encourage you – even if you do not even like them! This is because you’d rather allay your fears of being single than rationally assess the even more harmful effects of being in a relationship that is based on the foundation of fear!
SOLUTION: Know your self-worth and stop handing discounts. Embrace yourself, in all your uniqueness, and enjoy singlehood. There are people out there who envy you for it – so live it whilst you can and love will come to you, when it has to – when you least expect it!
10. A pattern of over-analyzing
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A text, a chance encounter or even a pocket dialing instance has you analyzing the hidden meaning within these!
SOLUTION: STOP – seriously!
Suggested read: Why letting go of a relationship isn’t as simple as it seems
Overcoming anuptaphobia
Remember that your anuptaphobic condition may be anywhere between mild and severe. Whilst a mild condition can be helped vis-à-vis proper introspection and proactive steps (as outlined above) toward a journey of self-discovery, a severe condition calls for therapy.
You shall be able to rid yourself of the phobia, by and by, once you seek therapeutic accompaniment, some psychological therapies or techniques including NLP and ontological coaching. It is necessary to see a specialist who can change your mood and convince you that being single is not a bad thing. Self-confidence therapy is required to raise your self-esteem and friends and family can also play a crucial role in bolstering your morale and loosening out the knotted threads of your fear!
Remember, we humans aren’t Tinder-esque imitations – so do not fall prey to the fatal trap of hopping from one relationship to another – only coz you are a part of the single community!
Plus, the single community is awesome! 😉
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