Everybody warned me this would happen.
Did I expect this? Was I hoping for it? I am not sure. But it has happened, just like the last time, with a simple text.
You sent the text last evening, “Pumpkin, I miss you. I want to start over again.” And then you called me repeatedly. I answered after twenty calls were ‘missed’ and you said the same thing again, “Don’t disconnect. Meet me. I miss you.” I had nothing to say and I did hang up, just because you hate people hanging up on you. I did it because you hate it and I would love to do it again, because I hate you.
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Do you know what was wrong, why I was so rude to you? Well, without digging into our history, let me just focus on this! Do you not see how incredibly selfish this is- “I miss you,” “I want to start over again,” “Meet me,” “Don’t cut the call” – or anything else you want to dictate to me? Ever heard of a simple word, ‘Sorry?’ I bet you have not!
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You have always been this way, haven’t you, getting your way around things, being the macho guy in the room. I used to think it was incredibly cute- the way you used to push me around, I mistook it for your affection! How naïve I was!
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When you instantly wrapped your strong arm around my waist while shopping in the mall as a bunch of guys would walk towards us, I thought you were proud of me and were just showing some affection. All you wanted to prove was I was your possession! I never thought twice when you made me bail out on all my outings with friends, because you said you wanted to spend time with me. And I used to think how lucky I was; I had girlfriends who complained that their boyfriends didn’t spend enough time with them.
You made me believe that I wanted things to be the way they were, even when I didn’t want to. Oh god, how you manipulated me! I stopped wearing what I wanted, we ate at all the places you liked, we went to all the movies you wanted to watch, everything was about you! And I just let it happen- I thought this was the best way to have a successful relationship. Keep your man happy and he will be there – no matter what. I had heard my mother say it so many times that I think I started believing it, women are supposed to keep their men happy. But you didn’t stay, did you?
When she came along, things started to change. You had to attend more meetings with her because after all, work is work and commands attention, and it was not like you wanted to get away from me. I believed that and fooled myself for a long while. When you came to meet me after meeting her, I knew something was amiss but I dared not ask you about it. I was so scared of you. Slowly, the number of times you refused to meet me just started shooting up. My friends told me they saw you with her outside, just having a good time. But I still trusted you, I had invested so much in you, I couldn’t get away, could I? And you knew that.
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You knew that when I snuggled beside you with my head pressed against your chest, taking in your scent and feeling cozy, I trusted you more than anyone else. Why, I had even told you that in so many words! And yet, you left me there on that same bed crying my eyes out, to see you walk out of our four-year relationship without any remorse.
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Everybody told me that you would come back to me. Your friends said that it was only a matter of time before you realized your mistake, that you were just distracted, that you would come back. My friends said the same. But I don’t know if I can get over your ‘mistake.’ Those flashes of seeing you f*ck her on the bed where we once lay, making promises of forever to each other don’t fade away.
It’s been five months, since that day you walked out. I have pulled myself together, I am a better person now. I no longer bail on the few friends I have, I enjoy working, I have gone back to reading, and I do not spend my nights crying myself to sleep. I have begun to let life seep in slowly, and as much as I remember the comfort of your arms, I am finally inching closer to being at peace with myself. My life, today, has no place for someone who never let me be.
You want me back? I don’t need you back.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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