Marriage is not a joke. It might be predictable at times, it might be boring at times, it might even be tedious, but it is most definitely not something to be taken lightly. And it takes work from both partners to make it work. Whether you’re happy or unhappy in your marriage is not something you can hide or lie to yourself about. Even if you do, you can only keep up the façade for so long. Eventually, the truth of the matter will come out, and more often than not, it might shock and surprise you. However, in your heart of hearts, you’d have known that it just wasn’t working.
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There isn’t one reason for a marriage to fall apart. There are a multitude of reasons that would have contributed to your unhappiness in the marriage. And it’s up to you to read these signs and red flags, rather than to turn a blind eye to them and ignore them. Yes, it’s easy to ignore something unpleasant, but you can bury your head in the sand for only so long. There will come a time when you will have to acknowledge the fact that you’re in an unhappy marriage.
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One side effect of this realization is that you tend to become cynical, instead of trying to figure out if your current relationship is salvageable or not. It’s very easy to see the signs of an unhealthy, loveless, unhappy marriage when you’re staring at other couples. But when it comes to introspecting and contemplating if your own marriage has gone the same route, you’re like that horse with its blinders on. You can’t and/or won’t acknowledge that your relationship isn’t what it’s all cut out to be.
Pain, hurt, bitterness, resentment, annoyances, ego clashes, miscommunication, lack of communication – all play a role in the demise of a marriage. In hindsight, you might be able to see all of these signs, but the important thing is to be aware of them at the right time, not in hindsight, when it’s all over and done. When things come to a head, it’s easy to just throw up your hands and give up and walk away. But picking up the pieces, trying to work on the marriage takes courage and conviction to make it work. Not many people are willing to put in the effort it takes to take the latter route.
If you think your marriage might be an unhappy one, then be on the lookout for these sad yet actual signs of an unhappy marriage. These have the potential to tear your marriage apart, if you’re not careful.
1. You both lead separate lives.
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You two have different lives, that, more often than not, doesn’t coincide at all. In a healthy, happy marriage, the distance doesn’t matter, as long as you both understand each other and are willing to be there for each other. Many people don’t even make the slightest effort to get to know their partner’s work life or even ask them about how their day was. If your partner doesn’t receive the emotional support that they’re looking for, they will definitely look elsewhere where they might get it.
Granted that a healthy relationship does need you both to have your own hobbies, interests and the like. But you also need to understand that there need to be other things that you both can pursue together, as a couple. If you both live under the same roof, but don’t share anything else besides mundane talk, then you’re nothing more than roommates.
2. You have different life directions.
When you’re in an unhappy marriage, your life path rarely aligns with your partner’s. You both have very different perspectives towards life and your goals for the future. A healthy, happy marriage is possible when there are certain compromises and adjustments, that both of you need to make. When you’re both stubborn about your life choices and have no intention of ever finding a middle ground, then you’re both parallel lines of a railway track, never meeting in the middle. What’s the point of such a life?
3. You compare your partner to others.
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This simply will spell the doom of your relationship in no time at all. You, your partner, and your marriage are all unique. Your marriage is made unique by the fact that you and your partner share a unique rapport with each other that is equal to none and is incomparable to another. If you constantly compare your marriage or your partner to others, you’ll make them feel like they’re just not good enough for you. And believe me, nobody wants to feel like that.
4. You indulge in emotional infidelity.
Many people don’t believe cheating emotionally isn’t really cheating, per se. But it’s more serious than a physical affair. Emotional infidelity holds a mirror to the trust deficit in your relationship. This means that your partner isn’t your friend, your confidant, your go-to person anymore. If you feel comfortable talking and confiding in another person than your partner, then you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. It might start out as a mere emotional release, an ear open to listen to your problems. But if this gets out of hand, it could eventually become a major point of contention in your marriage.
Communication is one of the foundations of a healthy, happy marriage, along with trust. If both of these are lacking in your marriage, because you feel comfortable spilling your guts and ‘communicating’ with a third person who isn’t your spouse, then it’s an obvious sign that you’ve crossed that line between a friend who listens to you to an emotional affair.
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5. You have unmet needs.
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Whether emotional or physical or intellectual, your needs aren’t being met by your partner. You find ways to satisfy your needs by looking for other avenues outside your marriage. But at the same time, you might be frustrated about the fact that your partner isn’t able to satisfy these needs. It’s bound to make you resentful towards your partner.
6. You have too different needs.
Sometimes you and your partner have different needs as a couple. You might want to cuddle after sex, and your partner might want to sleep it off. You might like the dishwasher handled a certain way, but your partner isn’t bothered about such a trivial thing. You might like to just laze around the house doing nothing on a weekend, but your partner might want to go clubbing or hang out with friends.
So what do you do? Do you compromise on every little thing for the sake of your marriage or do you walk away? What is the breaking point? What is the level of compromise you both need to make for your marriage to work? That is something you both need to hash out, because there’s a very thin line between expectations and reality. This is where communication comes into play. If you have open, honest communication channels in your relationship, then you might be able to find a middle ground that you both can live with.
7. You don’t complain about your partner – at all. Not anymore.
You and your partner come from disparate backgrounds, and this means you both have different points of view, that will mean conflicts and complaints. A good marriage is where you both are free to air your complaints about the other and find a middle ground both of you can live with. This might sometimes lead to conflicting ideas and thoughts, but that’s okay, because these lead to you both coming to a consensus that works for both of you.
However, a situation where you have issues with your partner’s behavior, ideas, thoughts, or ideologies, but you don’t bother talking about them or even bringing them up, is problematic. That means you think it’s just not worth the effort to hash it out. It might start off as a small matter, but as time goes by, you tend to take the same approach to every issue that crops up between you two. These little annoyances eventually become huge frustrations that might threaten to end your marriage.
8. You play the blame game.
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Yes, your partner made a mistake. Yes, it might be hard to stomach it and forgive them. But you have to, in most circumstances. You can’t hold a grudge against your partner and bring their mistake up in at the drop of a hat. The same goes for your partner too. An unhappy marriage is a breeding ground for arguments that leave you feeling bitter, wounded, nursing your fallen pride. That’s exactly how an unhappy marriage works. Arguments and fights become tools to inflict as much pain as possible on your partner.
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9. You both have ego clashes – often.
The ego doesn’t always rear its head, but when it does, it changes the dynamic of the marriage. If you start to think you’re better than your partner, and that they just don’t measure up to you, then you’ve got a big problem on your hands. In a marriage, you and your spouse form a team, a unit. You both play a near-equal part in holding it together, making it work. However, once the ego comes into play, it’s hard to respect your partner, or even be civil with them. That’sone of the sad but inevitable signs of an unhappy marriage.
If you see these signs in your own marriage, then know that you have two options – get up off your behind and do something about it to fix it, if you think it’s worth it; or, give up and walk away. Frankly speaking, experiencing a loveless, unhappy marriage is not cakewalk. It can ruin your self-esteem, self-confidence, and could very possibly make you cynical.
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