The social structure of the present times has forced a lot of people to suffer from psychological illnesses including depression. It is assumed that one in 100 people suffer from depression, which makes for very alarming statistics. This means that the probability of you loving someone with depression increases manifold. It is likely that you will interact with someone who is suffering from depression at one point of time in your life, but if you find yourself in love with someone who is a victim of depression, then there are a number of things that you need to keep in mind.
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There is no denying that loving someone with depression is difficult. It is more challenging than loving other people, and you have to be extra careful and extra patient with them. You feel a host of emotions that would not otherwise have felt, and it can sometimes feel very overwhelming to be with someone like that.
Suggested read: How To Talk To Someone With Depression: Things You Should Say And Things You Should NOT
However, when you are equipped with a list of things that you should keep in mind when you love someone who is suffering from depression, the act becomes much simpler. You understand your partner better, and you can handle them at their worst, without feeling inadequate yourself.
Here are some of the things that you need to keep in mind, when you love someone who is suffering from depression.
1. Depression doesn’t constitute your partner’s entire identity
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Even though depression has become a dangerously common condition, it is something that the society still has trouble coming to terms with and accepting as a problem which needs to be categorically solved. People who suffer from depression are still compelled to hide their condition, as mental illness and mental health is still a taboo subject amongst the majority of the population.
When you love someone who is suffering from depression, it is important to look beyond what they are suffering from, and focus more on who they actually are. Sometimes it may happen that when you see the person, you only see that they are depressed, which instead of helping them, reinforces the condition with even more gusto. It is essential that you look beyond it and treat them like you would any other person that you loved.
2. No one chooses to be depressed
Just like people are not responsible for their illnesses and cannot help it when they become ridden with sickness, similarly, depression is something that people cannot help. It is not a conscious decision they take, to be depressed and anxious. Depression can be a paralyzing and debilitating force which can make the person feel all kinds of negative things about themselves and the people around them.
If you feel exasperated with you partner, remember that asking them to get over it or blaming them for their constant “bad mood” is not something that is going to help. In fact, it is going to make them feel much worse. You have to know that it is a condition, which requires patient treatment, and you have to be with them throughout the process without expressing impatience.
3. It is not your responsibility to save them or make them happy
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When you love someone, and that someone is suffering from a mental illness, you may either feel like it is your fault something like this is happening, or you may feel the obligation to help them and save them from their current state. You have to remember that almost all mental illnesses are internalized, and there is very little you can do to help the person, if they are already getting medical and professional help.
Do not beat yourself up if they are having an episode or a bad day, because it is not your fault, and it is not something you can change dramatically. If the person loves you back, then your presence and your support is enough to make them feel loved and wanted. However, going out of your way to make them “happy” is going to make you and the person more upset when you don’t get the desired results.
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4. They will always appreciate a show of love and support
People who are depressed often think of themselves as a burden to the people around them. They feel like they are constantly inconveniencing everyone with their presence and everyone would rather do without them. This also forces them to express emotions that they don’t feel genuinely, which only worsens their condition.
When you show them your love and support without making it too obvious, then they are bound to feel better. There is nothing wrong with bringing joy and laughter into their lives, and if you can show them that you are there for them unconditionally in any way that you deem fit, then there is nothing wrong with that.
5. You have every right to feel needy or get frustrated
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Loving someone is a mutually giving relationship, where being there for each other is a two-way street. However, if the person you love is suffering from depression, then getting love back in return for the love you get can be difficult, because sometimes, they can get too preoccupied with their own conditions, inside their own heads.
If you feel guilty for getting frustrated and asking for love and attention, then don’t, because it is totally natural to feel that way. You have to remember that making the other person feel loved and important and wanted is great, but never at the cost of your own mental peace and happiness, so make sure you find a middle path, without compromising on your own feelings.
6. Do your research
Knowing about the condition, what triggers it, what are the causes and symptoms and possible cures of depression can help you deal with the person you love better. Instead of feeling your way through the dark, know as much as you can from the doctors and the internet about depression, so that you can talk to your partner, and do your bit to make them feel better.
Learning about what they are going through will also help you understand them better and reduce the misunderstandings which might be occurring because you are getting impatient with their behavior. Make sure you do your research before interacti9ng with someone who has depression, especially if you are on very intimate terms with them.
7. Do not force them to do things
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When you are constantly dealing with someone who has depression, you might feel like doing some things which you think will make them feel better. You might want to go out with them, or take them to the movies, or want to have sex. In case they say they are not in the mood for any of that, and if that is the response in most of the cases, then you might easily get frustrated.
Here is the thing- depressed people find it very difficult to get out of bed and actively participate in things unless they want to. There is no scope for trial and error in their case. Just like a person with very high fever simply would not be able to get out of bed and go have fun in an amusement park, a person with depression won’t be able to either. So make sure you don’t force them to do anything, and if they refuse your offer, they aren’t being rude or unsporting, it is simply their mind refusing to cooperative with them.
8. They will have commitment issues
When you love someone, it is natural to expect a future with them, and it is also natural to expect them to participate in that discussion about your future together. If they do not engage as enthusiastically in such conversations, then the normal conclusion would be that they don’t love you enough.
Before you jump to that conclusion, remember that just because they aren’t talking about a happily ever after with you, doesn’t mean they love you. Always keep in mind that they are suffering from a condition, where they are completely caught up inside their minds with pessimism and negativity and to even think about a happy, peaceful, loving future is impossible for them. It has nothing to do with you, and you simply have to wait till they get better.
Suggested read: Difference Between Anxiety And Depression And How They Manifest For Someone
9. This is not your fault
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When you are on very intimate terms with a person, and you love them and they love you back, it is natural to expect that you have a great influence on their lives, just as they have on yours. Therefore, when the person you love suffers from depression, it can be depressing for you as well, because on some level, you might feel responsible for their current state of mind.
You have to remember that the reason they are feeling depressed is because of certain chemicals in their brain, and not because of something you did. Just like everything else, it is a medical condition that can be treated, and just like everyone else, they have the ability to love you feel things as strongly for you as you feel for them. Tell yourself constantly that you are not responsible for their depression.
Loving someone with depression is not easy. But once you are equipped with these cardinal rules that you must remember, the process becomes not only easier for you, but also helps the person you love recuperate faster.
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