“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.” – Mark Twain.
The man just nailed it!
How else does someone lose respect, I wonder. If one hasn’t learnt to love and respect oneself, he couldn’t possibly expect that from some other person. I’m forced to think that just like charity, respect also begins at home. That said, the terminology is tricky when it comes to relationships.
There aren’t perfect relationships. Period.
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The rapport among couples is determined by the amount of love and respect they have for each other. If not, there will be signs of constant power struggle between the two. I often come across couples who are at each other’s throats publicly, trying to prove a point. Trying very hard to put the other down, ridicule them, and dismiss them at the drop of a hat. It’s like they own the other person and could make them dance to their own tunes.
Suggested read: 15 simple tips on how to respect yourself in a relationship
Sound familiar? For your sake, I hope it’s not!
When respect in a relationship is lost, it raises a red flag. It’s probably one of the early signs you would see. Slowly, it creeps into your relationship like venom spreading the toxin all over, until it leaves you both frustrated or either of you feeling belittled.
In modern times, women are not necessarily the ones that are submissive. With all the girl power entering the society, I have seen a good number of men face the brunt too. So it swings both ways and with both genders.
The shift in power is caused mainly due to these reasons:
- Higher income/Wealthy family background
- Overall personality (good looks, popularity, status, etc.,)
- Guilt (either due to cheating, over-done sacrifices, etc.,)
However, lack of respect could collapse your very basic foundation to a healthy relationship. There’s no debating about whether respect in a relationship is something that can be ignored. Because it can’t. It’s the very essence of what makes two different individuals compatible with each other. It defines love between two people and the ability to coexist in harmony.
That said, it’s not alien to most of us to deal with humiliation caused by our own partners in our daily personal life, or at times, in public. So, if you are someone who has been quietly putting up with this for a while now, it’s time you stand up for yourself and gain more respect in your relationship.
Here are a few things you need to consider:
1. Keeping quiet never helps
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This is the father of all rules! I say that because, it applies to everything in life. No one achieved anything by simply keeping quiet about things they disliked. If you face a problem, open up and speak about it. Sometimes, the offender may be unaware that they are hurting you if you keep mum about something you don’t like. Similarly, when your partner has, or is in any way, making you feel uncomfortable, it’s time you let them know how you feel. Talk it out, you don’t have to necessarily fight but explain to the other person that you don’t like being treated that way. That you are hurt and it’s not a good thing to do. By simply remaining silent, you would be giving the other person more power to deliberate their wrongdoings.
2. Start with yourself first
How much do you really respect yourself? Are you always the needy one? Do you compromise too much without any expectation from your partner? Well, that sure is some unconditional loving – but it’s not needed, you know? So, begin with yourself. When you respect yourself, everything else will fall in place including the missing respect in relationships. You have to make it clear of how you’d like to be treated; every person must demand a certain degree of respect from their partner. The inability to convey this to your partner will only speak volumes of your low self-worth. Don’t let that happen!
3. Give and take policy
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Just like most other things in a relationship, respect too is a two-way street. When you give some, you’ll get some. It cannot be any other way; so if you practice showing some respect to your partner, your partner automatically is compelled to return the favor (unless they are a heartless dragon!). If you have been someone who is constantly battling power struggles and demeaning the other person, you cannot expect to be treated kindly.
Suggested read: Why respecting your man’s space is key to a successful relationship
4. Learn to say No. Politely, of course
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While you don’t want to sound like a two-year-old who just learnt to say ‘No,’ what you must do is use it when it’s apt. Saying No to someone is very difficult for most of us, but, by not doing this, you could land yourself in situations that don’t always make you happy. When I learnt to say a firm No, I figured it wasn’t that hard and all it took was some courage to be able to say it. But when I did, I found out that the word itself was a perfectly acceptable answer too! You have every right to use this magical word in your relationship. Also ensure that when you do use it, a No means a No and nothing else – every single time.
5. Mark your territory
I go by something I call my “safe zone,” a place where I could allow limited nonsense from anyone. It’s tolerable; I will keep quiet, but the minute someone crosses those boundaries, all hell would break loose. I’m very particular about it. A relationship advice that I found very useful was to set boundaries for everything – mark your territory. Don’t let someone crawl into your space of harmony and disrupt your peace. Even if they do, charge at them. You don’t have to accept bull from anyone – not even your partner.
6. Refuse to settle
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I have deep admiration for people who walk out of abusive relationships of any kind. That means they don’t settle for less. They have minimum expectations from their partner and the relationship, and it’s only fair. Why would you want to stay in a relationship that is void of respect, love, and kindness? You haven’t been crucified, so you don’t have to carry that cross along with you, for the rest of your life. When your partner sees your undying attitude, they will comprehend what it means for them without you having to threaten them. Often, a person gauges his opponent’s weakness in his inability to storm out of a situation. Don’t let your partner feed on that weakness of yours.
7. Let love conquer all
Maybe, you haven’t shown enough love to the other person. Maybe. In this case, it’s your fault. Saying that you love someone is proven only when you show it to them. Have you shown enough love to your partner to expect respect in a relationship? Ask yourselves that question until you get an answer in the affirmative. Many a time, people lose respect when they don’t feel loved by the other person. After all, respect is earned, it doesn’t come easy and cannot be demanded either. So pour some love and see the results.
Suggested read: Finding a new normal with the one you love
8. Keep your word
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Don’t hold me accountable for extreme cases, but if you have said something strong, make sure you follow through with your word. At least for the first time! For instance, if you have given your spouse a warning about something they did to upset you, make sure you stick to your word and let them face the repercussions you warned them about. If you fall through, they’ll know that they can get away with anything. So, remind yourself to be strict when the time arises.
When you’ve read this article, we hope you’ve mustered the courage to stand tall and command the respect you deserve. Don’t let anyone take you for granted, and above all, learn to love and respect yourself too. Don’t be susceptible to anything that doesn’t make you feel loved and cherished. A healthy and strong relationship is one that is built over the years with trust, understanding, patience, love, and respect.
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