Sometimes, it so happens that life presents you with certain situations which make you feel as if you are a piece in a really complicated game of chess. You don’t know which way to move and what to do in order to emerge victorious, and no matter what you do, there seems to be dire consequences either way. One of these situations is dating your ex’s friend.
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There is no denying that it is a complicated AF situation, where you have to be more careful than you would have been had you been dating any other casual person. When it comes to matters of the heart, emotions often take precedence over logical thinking, and before you know it, one thing leads to another and you are in love with your ex’s friend.
Dealing with a heartbreak is never easy. You are sad and upset and you are constantly searching for someone to fill up the ex sized hole in your life, or at least someone who can lend you their shoulder to cry on. Naturally, you would gravitate towards someone who knew your ex, which includes all of their friends, and in the process, it is completely possible that you might fall in love with one particularly empathetic friend.
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Whether this was the circumstance which brought you to this situation or some other conspiracy by the universe to complicate your life, there is nothing doing now that it has already happened. But like I said before, the rules of dating your ex’s friend are different from dating anyone else.
Here are the 8 rules you need to follow, if you don’t want your life to fall to pieces because of the complicated dynamics that you are involved in.
1. Be sensitive about when you start dating
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You need to be tact about this relationship, even before you get into a relationship with your ex. To do this, you have to be super aware of your timing and the extent of the relationship that your ex and his friend you are about to get involved with share. Here are some examples of scenarios where it is totally okay to go out with your ex’s friend:
- It has been almost or more than a year since you and your ex broke up and there is no hostility between the two of you
- The person you are about to date and your ex are friendly acquaintances
- They aren’t roommates
- You and your ex have no feelings (love or hate) towards each other anymore
- You did not break up with your ex 2 months ago
- They aren’t best friends
Make sure you are sensitive about the timing and the dynamics shard between your ex and their friend.
2. Do not make your current partner choose between you and your ex
Even if you and your ex have no contact whatsoever, it is totally possible that the person you are about to date is still very much in touch with your ex, because after all, they are friends. Things usually end in hostility between two ex-lovers, and when you are about to date someone your ex knows, you will also most likely be reminded of all the vices your ex supposedly possessed.
This might make you feel territorial about the person you are currently going out with, but it is highly advised that you refrain from feeling such things. Making them feel guilty for meeting your ex, being passive aggressive or telling them to choose between you or your ex is unfair on the person. You have to treat this like a new relationship, where your ex isn’t your ex, but just another friend of the person you are dating.
3. Make sure your ex knows about your actions
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Getting into a complicated relationship like this one can lead to a lot of repressed emotions and feelings being released, both on your part and on the part of your ex. If you start developing serious feelings for your ex’s friend, and you know for sure that you would like to pursue a romantic relationship with this person, then you should talk to your ex.
If you feel like he/she might react to this new development, then you should be the one to break the news to them, as a polite courtesy, which can let you avoid a lot of controversy in the future. It is also a nice gesture, which can soften some of the blow, if your ex still has feelings for you.
Suggested read: Is Being Friends With Your Ex A Really Good Idea, Or A Really Bad One?
4. Come to terms with the fact that they might talk about you
This is a task which you need to practise every day initially, when you start to date your ex’s friend. because you ex and the person you are dating now are friends, no matter how close or how distant, you are soon going to become the common factor between them, and there is bound to be some discussion about you.
Do not lose sleep over the fact that your date and your ex are comparing notes about you and might share secrets or the like. It is going to happen and there is nothing you can do about it, other than come to terms with it, and move on, because you know you would do the same if you were in their place.
5. Do not allow your ex to be the third-wheel on your dates
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Going on dates with friends is a normal phenomenon, and being a third-wheel is soon going to emerge as an honourable profession. However, when you are in a relationship with your ex’s friend, make sure there never arrives a situation where you are on a date with your ex’s friend, and the former is third-wheeling.
This might lead to awkward situations, painful silences, jealousy, complication, broken friendships, reminiscing about your ex’s relationship with you and a host of other unpleasant things which can be avoided entirely.
6. Don’t compare your ex with their friend
When they are friends, it is almost instinctive to compare your current relationship to your past one, more than usual. This is because the two other people involved know each other and a mental comparison automatically comes into existence.
However, make sure that this comparison between your ex and his friend as lovers, remains inside your head, and you never express it openly, because it can hurt a lot of people in the process. It might also seem like you haven’t really moved on from your past relationship and should you find something different in your current lover, you might start developing complicated feelings for your ex, which is basically unfair to everyone.
7. Be aware of your ex’s presence in social situations
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Because you are in a relationship with a person who is your ex’s friend, it is very likely that you will meet your ex in several social situations. You will find more and more common friends and it can be difficult for both your ex and his friend to see your interact with them in this new situation.
Do not put on a deliberate display of affection when your ex is around, and don’t constantly draw attention to the fact that you are in a relationship with their friend, simply to give them space and time to come to terms with your relationships. Even if your ex has no feelings for you whatsoever, watching you with someone else, more so someone they are friends with, can be difficult.
Suggested read: The 10 Types Of Love You’re Sure To Experience In Your Life
8. Be open to advice from friends
When you are caught in a situation like this, you can’t help getting too involved. You are constantly thinking about the pros and cons and possible future scenarios, which can make you lose sight of practical reality sometimes. When you are in a relationship with your ex’s friend, don’t be afraid of talking to your friends about this.
If you had mutual friends, then go ahead and talk to them as well, because they can offer some much needed perspective on the situation, and give you some new insight into the way your ex might take the news. Even when you are talking and interacting with the person you are dating now, you have to be tactful, and sometimes, you might end up sounding like a jealous ex, and a tad bit tactless. To get an outsiders opinion, make sure your friends know about the situation, and always take their objective advice into consideration.
There is no denying that dating your ex’s friend is a tricky case. You have to know when to say what and how to behave in certain situations. However, most importantly, you know to do what you honestly want to do, from the heart, because feelings can often be misleading, especially when you are getting involved with someone who is bound to come bearing your past with them. once you can master the art of managing awkward situations and sensitive conversations, you might have a shot at a happy, fulfilling relationship.
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