It’s easier to judge and say things about cheating in a relationship; one could easily put their foot down and say they wouldn’t take back a cheating partner, no matter what.
Cheating definitely is inexcusable, and is a deal breaker for most people. But, in reality, how practical is it to simply walk out of a relationship once your partner has cheated on you?
What would you do, if your partner cheated on you? Would you simply leave everything and go away? Or, would you give your partner another chance?
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What if there are kids involved and you have to ‘make-do’ for their sake? What if you aren’t independent enough and need to take back your cheating partner?
Taking back a cheater is probably the hardest thing to do. I mean, imagine sleeping on a bed with them, knowing what they did to you? Their sight could probably tear you apart and make you want to scratch their face. But, if under any circumstance you have to take them back into your life, what are your options then?
Suggested read: 10 crucial questions to ask before breaking up with your cheating partner
While in some situations, you don’t have a choice but to simply put the past behind you and move on, there are some questions you need to ask yourself and your partner before you take them back. You can’t simply let them back in your life and pretend that nothing happened. Of course something happened – something major. Moreover, they can’t expect the relationship to be the same after they did what they did. They broke your trust, disrespected you and your relationship, not to mention, put you in a position where what happens next is entirely up to you. This isn’t fair, now, is it?
So, here are 8 questions to ask yourself before you consider taking back a cheater.
1. Is there enough guilt and remorse?
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When someone breaks your trust, they leave you shattered and devastated. There isn’t anything in the world that can reverse that damage caused by cheating. None. So, for a mistake so grave and emotionally destructive in nature, what are the repercussions? How is this even forgivable? It’s probably not. You could try real hard to forgive, but there is something that doesn’t let you. Something that tells you that they don’t deserve it.
However, if your cheating partner is showing signs of guilt and remorse, what do you do? Well, for starters, they better show signs of both guilt and remorse, but then again, are these signs simply a way to get back with you? Are they fooling you again? How can you tell that their remorse is genuine? Now that they’ve broken your trust, how can you know what is their real persona and what isn’t?
When a cheating partner is truly sorry about their actions, they would probably show it to you. But then again, how much of that is enough for you to take them back? You would be a better judge of that. So, make sure you see that there is enough guilt in them and enough remorse to make them feel miserable about what they did. Unless they have paid this price, it may not be ideal to take them back.
2. Would this repeat?
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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Or so the saying goes. That’s hard to erase from your memory, isn’t it? How will your partner assure you that this won’t happen again? Even if they do, would you be able to trust them again. Would you believe that they won’t repeat it all over again? These are tough questions, but the sooner you find answers to them, the better it is. Trusting a cheating partner is taxing, knowing that they have already played around with your feelings is not going to make anything better. So, taking back a cheater becomes all the more harder.
3. Is it over yet?
Can you take a cheater’s word and believe that it is over for them with the person they cheated with? Sometimes, your cheating partner simply wants to make things right temporarily, and saying that they have nothing to do with the other person seems like a good way to get back with their spouse/partner. But, is it really over for them? Was the cheating a one-night stand or a long affair they carried on behind your back? Not that one of them is better than the other, because both are equally horrible things to do after a commitment, but, knowing exactly what is going in their mind becomes imperative.
Suggested read: Once a cheater always a cheater: Is it possible to forgive and forget?
4. What is their explanation, and is it valid?
Cheaters will always find a lot of reasons to pin the blame on several other things. One of them could be you. Blaming you for the faults in a relationship that “led” them to cheat may seem like an easy way out. Often, people blame their partners for the lack of love, or simply fights that apparently made them cheat! You need to ask them why they did it and assess how valid are their reasons. Did they blame you at all? If yes, then you need to be careful, because they could do it again and blame you for it.
5. Is it possible to re-build the relationship or is it beyond repair?
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Depending on what your tolerance threshold is for a relationship, you can either make it work, or simply leave it ruined. Sometimes it’s not possible to rebuild a broken relationship or fix a broken heart, no matter how much you want it to work. Both are impossible, but then again, if you think that your cheating partner deserves another chance, then you have to make things work for your own sake.
6. Does the family have a history?
Trust us, we’re not being judgmental here, but sometimes when you grow up seeing deceit, unfaithfulness, and infidelity, it sort of rubs off on you. If you have grown up witnessing it all in your own family, most likely you would think that it’s not such a big problem to cheat on your spouse/partner. So, even when the time comes and you philander, in your mind it’s not such big a deal.
So, perhaps one of the things to consider before taking back a cheater is to look into the family’s history. Was there infidelity surrounding your partner while growing up? If that has been the case, then it’s highly unlikely that your partner would feel any remorse at all. They’d probably think it’s alright to walk all over you and then expect that you’d take them back.
7. Are you their last option?
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If things got really complicated and they have no other way out, you may be their last resort. Perhaps they can’t go to whoever they cheated with for various reasons, or they simply can’t survive alone (after you dumped them for cheating!), and they would do anything to get back with you only because they have nowhere else to go. So, maybe you aren’t their first choice and they would leave you again, if something more interesting came up in the future. So, be careful.
8. How are they willing to work on the relationship?
Simply apologizing and begging for forgiveness don’t help in rebuilding a broken relationship. A cheating partner needs to give more than that after doing what they did. They have to make amends, give their all to the relationship (if you plan to take them back that is), and work on it until it works for the both of you. Do you see that happening with them? Would they give their 100% to the relationship? You need to ask yourself this.
Suggested read: I was turned into a cheater without my consent
Taking back a cheater is obviously noble or downright foolish, depending on the nature of your relationship. But whatever may be the reason, you ought to be extremely careful and cautious when you are considering taking back a cheater. You may have suffered enough already and you don’t deserve another round. If you ever plan to take back your cheating partner, know these things:
- you are the bigger person
- you are not helpless or weak
- it’s NOT your fault
- it could very well happen again
- you will take time before you begin to trust again, and that’s alright
- you are going through a lot – so it’s okay to act up
- you HAD a choice
- it’s your choice, and you can change it again
- cut yourself some slack and don’t beat yourself up for what your partner did
It’s definitely saddening when a partner cheats on you, for whatever reasons. Actually, no reason is good enough and justifiable for cheating. Cheating is definitely ‘the end’ in most relationships. But sometimes, we have to let go of a little and perhaps we find it hard to look for another way out – when there is none, we are left with no other choice than to take them back. Or perhaps that may seem like the right thing to do, and in those times, you may have several questions in your head. Sort each of them out, ask yourself each of the above things, and answer them for yourself. You’ll know what to do next.
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