At some point or other, we’ve all dated that one person who was deathly afraid to commit. Or who simply wouldn’t, consciously. Despite all your efforts to make them feel loved and on top of the world, this person would sabotage everything and simply avoid doing anything to give your relationship a status or even a name!
Sometimes, that person was you! Maybe you didn’t recognize it then, and merely chalked it up to so many other irrelevant reasons why you didn’t want to commit. But somewhere, your actions hurt another person for no fault of theirs. The issue wasn’t them; the issue lies with you – you had, rather have, abandonment issues. I know you’re still shaking your head in denial. But it’s true.
Suggested read: 12 ways your abandonment issues affect your love life
What is this abandonment issue?
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The inability to attach yourself to another person, either romantically or emotionally, for fear of being abandoned. The lack of commitment for the fear of being rejected or getting dumped, is what an abandonment issue is. Sometimes, you’d be too scared to give your all to the relationship, doubting if the other person will commit with the same kind of intensity and commitment too. That’s because when you commit, you expect that the other person gives in equally, if not more, into something you are putting your heart and soul into. So you see, when you’re not certain about this, you refrain from relationships altogether. You simply avoid them and all the chaos it can bring to your life. Maybe you are too cynical and don’t want to get hurt, or you’re unable to face your fears. Your worst fear being, being dumped by the other person. So you think the best way to avoid heartache is to breakup with them yourself or avoid commitment of any kind. But is this the solution?
Abandonment issues are common with people who’ve had bad relationships in the past, or who have witnessed it happening to someone close to them (parents, siblings, close friends, etc.,). They develop a wall or a boundary around them so that they cannot cross it and fall in love easily. This wall works both ways – it doesn’t allow anyone else to breach it and form a connection with them either.
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Their fear is greater than their willingness to experience or experiment. It’s quite regular for even children to suffer from these anxieties, especially when they begin school. The thought of being alone and away from their parents is traumatizing for them. As for adults, it’s similar, but slightly different. Because in an adult relationship, people suffering from abandonment issues distance themselves from other people so as to not get overly attached to them (in case they leave them later on). So, the fear is purely built on a hypothetical ‘what if’ rather than any present issues.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is afraid to commit and is giving you mixed signals, or if you are the one who cannot see yourself committing to another person, then you may want to go through this list of signs of abandonment issues. It might give you a clearer picture of where you are.
Signs of abandonment issues
1. Attaching too quickly
It may seem contrary to the fact that most people who suffer from abandonment issues are the ones who don’t want to commit. But we are speaking of people who get attached to new people quickly. Their attraction to one partner is short lived, and sooner than later, they often ‘fall out of love’ from that partner. Or they could also be excessively clingy to a partner, making them over-protective, possessive, and controlling. Their fear overtakes their thinking, and they could go all out and either be too clingy or simply discount their partner’s feelings easily by developing feelings for newer people.
2. Detaching too quickly
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One of the signs of abandonment issues is that people suffering from it can detach themselves just as quickly as they get attached to a mate. They don’t grieve the separation and can move on almost immediately. It’s strange how quickly they can get over a breakup, it’s as if they were never really attached to the person, as if they flipped a switch and turned off their feelings. It’s quite scary. People with severe abandonment issues can show that they never really cared for a person too soon. This quality makes them feel like they could be less hurt. You have to understand one thing about them – their ulterior fears of being abandoned forces them to keep their distance from people. They want to show the world that nothing can hurt or affect them too strongly, and that they can simply move on with ease.
Suggested read: This is how you love a woman dealing with abandonment issues
3. Making sex the only good thing
The closest they can come to being attached to someone is probably in a physical way. While they find it hard to emote and understand their partner’s emotions, sex is relatively easier for them to handle. It’s purely physical, and it doesn’t mean too much to them. So emotional intimacy is surely out of the window; maybe that could be a reason why the sex is so unbelievably great! There are no strings attached whatsoever.
4. Sabotaging the good stuff
When things go smoothly and when it seems like everything is perfect, this person will find a way to disrupt the peace in the relationship. Trying to find reasons to fight and make you reconsider their presence in the relationship. They’re often the cynical critics, finding faults in everything you do. It may seem like they’re happiness ninjas, and are waiting for every opportunity to strike. Such killjoys!
5. Self-doubt and doubting partners
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Another thing about people who have abandonment issues is that they are always doubting themselves. More importantly, they are doubting of their partners too. Because they know that they cannot be trusted, they find it equally hard to trust anyone else. Their fears supersede any feelings they might have for anyone, making it extremely difficult for them to trust – both, themselves and the other person.
6. Overly controlling behavior
These people constantly feel a need to be in charge of everything. They hate being told what to do and will never listen. They are control freaks and have a plan and course of action for each of their ideas. They regulate everything in their relationship, leaving no breathing space for their partners. It could become suffocating pretty fast. Often, people with abandonment issues like to exercise their authority over their partners, and want to feel important and have an upper hand in the relationship. They don’t care for anything else and wouldn’t listen to anything their partner has to say. All they want is to feel in control – of the situation as well as the relationship.
Suggested read: 12 tips on how to cope with abandonment issues in relationships
7. Wallowing in insecurities
Because of their past bad experiences, a person who has abandonment issues will show signs of insecurity. They’re certain that they will get dumped, and therefore, they want to be safe. Their insecurities cause them severe anxiety, and they are often in self-doubt, leading to a lot of trouble in their relationships. An insecure person is always bad news; they can’t handle anything that would make them think that they’re not good enough. They don’t get jokes, they don’t like it if their partner has too many friends, or too many friends of the opposite sex, or even if their partner has a life of their own apart from the relationship. They’re simply insecure, making it quite difficult on both themselves and their partners.
People with abandonment issues seem like they don’t care about the world, they come off as rash individuals, trying too hard to be bad, trying to stay away from feelings and other attachments. They want to be able to enjoy a relationship but are too paranoid to even give it a shot. Their paranoia drives them insane at times, makes them distance themselves from anything that remotely means love and affection. The thing is, they are too non-trusting, and that works against them. It surely appears that they are complacent, but it’s a precarious situation. Because, if one were to sympathize with them, they’d simply be risking a lot of heartache, time wasted, and pain. Whereas the person giving them grief will simply walk away like nothing happened. Making it all the more difficult for the person suffering at the hands of this person with abandonment issues!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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